TGI Fridays

TriniTracy and I enjoy the sun

I got that sleep. Today I woke up and went to the Auburn Avenue Research Library on a behind-the-scenes-tour of the Archives. Perhaps i'm the only one who would prolly get geeked about some mess like that but still, I was excited.

I came back on the MARTA to find that they had replaced those old machines with these new-easy-breezy machines. My mood was elevated. Feeling blessed, I put on a hijab and went to jumu'ah with my friend. Havn't set foot in a mosque since i was 17.

Came back to Spelman. A bright sunny day. Music was playing, people were out. Saw some friends, danced a little. Well that was my day, here are some pictures.

Me and Moses IV

Some boy, Elisheba, Tracy, Sarah WooWoo and Josh Ty-SUN!

The beautiful Brittani and Sandile

Me and D

My sis Janelle and I

Still trying to catch that sleep

Sleep monsters came to visit me last night. I had to get up early this morning.
Last night i was shivering in the bed, last night i was so hot i was sweating. Cold sweat.
Anxiety kept me awake. I stared at the wall- trying to force myself to sleep but my body did not submit. House dead quiet with the sounds of early morning traffic. That shit almost drove me crazy. Woke up(except i wasnt really sleeping in the first place)- not quite functional as i slipped through the gates to get into the marta. THe machine wouldnt except my dollar. Standing in my finest business attire and boots, I told the machine to go fuck himself.

Long day- met with my team for work. Toured, talked, ate pizza. I forget how much i love libraries. Yeah the private sector pays and academic librarys can control the population it lets in. But theres nothing like the accessibilty of the public library. What other institution lets anybody just walk in? Not that thats always a good thing, but it makes for a colorful experience. And people in Atlanta never fail to make me smile-deep down in the usually stubburn part of my heart.

"What if we get shot"- said the white man

I want to take a nap but im scared. I'm tryin catch my sleepiness in my bones until tonight so I can release myself into a hard slumber. I want to sleep so hard my joints ache and my legs are cramped and theres an indent from the pillow on the side of my face in the morning. Like starving yourself before you go out to eat.

I want to be so sleepy that I stumble into the bed like an old drunk man on the lawn.

Ice Breaker

I'm supposed to be twisting my hair.

But my mind kept dreaming about Cold Stone Sweet Cream with strawberry and coconut mix-ins.


Yummmmmmmm.

Atlanta strippuh booty

Last night after a quick stop at D'jangos and a few U-turns on Ponce, we(as in me and the ubiquitous 'her') found ourselves at MJQs for a little 5 dolla fun.

(Un)lucky for us, Jeezy had similar plans.

Damn

So with Jeezy came in, a whole set of ATL 'lean wit it rock wit it' classics. Included in this set was Ms. New Booty by Bubba Spaaarrrxxxx. This song is a hot mess. There are so many things wrong with it that i rather not analyze it(I'm acting as though my blog ever examines serious issues). So of course its also my new favorite song.


boty booty booty...

(Dont mind the visual- just listen to the song. Thanks M, for letting me rip that link)

The song started and all of a sudden, every girl in hte club was shakin that ass. I turned around and looked helplessly at my ass wondering why it didnt bounce. My eyes looked back at the floor- all the black girrls with their tight jeans tucked into their boots, ass moving up and down- side to side. I was green with envy

Is it wrong to want an Atlantastripperbooty? I mean specifically Atlanta booty-because an atlanta booty moves like none other. When no ones looking, I practice in the mirror. I still aint got it yet. I have a few frineds who are strippers, I asked them how they did it. They told me it comes with time and to practice by holding on to something. Still no success.

sigh-

Oddly enough the video is about buying a stripper ass in a box.

Its like they can read my mind!

Abstracts from a free write

When I was younger I used to take gymnastics. Handstands . In high school my english teacher was the diving coach, he convinced me to come try out for the diving team. I couldnt swim. But i made the team. I didnt do it though- I had to run track. I miss Ice Hockey. I sometimes scan through it, remember what it was like to skate in my schools ice rink with a stick in my hand. Freshman year of H.S. i wanted to try out speed skating, but the skates were 2000 dollars. I couldnt afford it. So i tried out for field hockey. Made that team- got to wear a skirt, that i used to make shorter by rolling up the top. First hat trick, 3rd game. It happens in threes.

I cut my hair off to the song liberation. End of july in the time of leo. My half permed half natural hair fell toward the ground and i just stared at it. Considered saving it but didnt want to accumulate more junk. I stood looking at my hair- staring at the strange curls that i had not seen since middle school. They looked back at me kinda scared. I quickly cornrolled them to hide them but like they always had before, they climbed out the braids in defiance. I brough t my hair over too oh my nappy hair in Oakland, CA, right next to the lake. The woman looked at my hair and said its gonna take awhile.

Commitment. I have a hard time with commitment. I have a hard time understanding i cant be impulsive and do what i want to when i want to. I interviewed for a job. I think i may have gotten it. They want a one year commitment. I really want the job, I dont want the commitment. Taking the job will force me to stay in Atlanta for another year. keyword force. Since when can one dictate to you where you need to stay and what you need to do. I was not a defiant child-my mom let me do what i wanted. Commitment is like tying a ballon to a rock. its for the enjoyment/comfort of others.

I joined myspace today.
I read about Ilyasah Shabazz
i ate lunch with delaine
i walked the two miles to school and stopped at the library.
I talked to a few people at school.
I walked to the MARTA

I spy(with my own eyes)

Good morning west end- shot from my window at 7 am.



Shopping for my first suit- i did not end up buying this one...



Moya being a grad student


Fired up after an Ella Baker Lecture

Today my blog turned 1

The very beginning

Oh how so much has changed...

or not.

Random

I'm listening to songs from the Wiz. Can you /feel a/ Brand New Day??

Depending on who you were the party was either fun, or funny. or painful (LOL as i snicker). So sad was it that i spent half the time hiding in the kitchen. In the least, I was amused.

That must have been amoung the worst parties I have ever attended. I dont think party planning is anywhere in my future. People came sat down and then left. I think the fact that i looked scared everytime someone walked in should have said something. At some point I managed to get everyone out of the party only to be joined by a second wave of people.Dammit(why did they have to come?). Then i went in my room and talked on the phone while i forced the party guests to ackwardly mingle with each other.

(why do i find that so funny? I'm sure they werent laughing)

I was so happy when it was over(11pm).

I'm so glad my sister was at the party, I laughed until tears were coming out my eyes. I think if she wasnt there i would have cried for real. Her and Moya tried their best to help, theyre so great.

My tv strike is over- i finally got to watch project runway. I didnt watch the superbowl-im guessing that seattle didnt win, (my seattle born roommate seemed extra depressed).

But life goes on/and so do we/

my next party will be a barbque in the middle of the day. I think the people who suffered through my party will be scared to come.

LOL.

i'm so terrible.

1:45 am

it aint late. I want to be sleep already. My sisters plane comes in at 5:03 in the morning. I dont want to drive tired. WHY THE HELL IS SHE FLYING IN THIS DAMN EARLY? I'm too excited to go to sleep. I looked at some of the rum in the refridgerator but i decided not to drink it.

I got plenty planned for her this weekend. Toni Cade meeting, my birthday party, Body Positive, a movie, dinner and a second b-day party. She just turned 21 a few weeks ago so shes even legal too.

Well yesterday they switched my phone over to my t-mobile phone, which i dont have yet. I woke up, tried to use my old phone..didnt work. My t-mobile phone comes in later today. I spent the day being out of touch which wasnt nearly as bad as i had imagined. Except when my mom tried to call.

My sister emailed me and told me i needed to call my mom asap. But i didnt have a phone and my phonecard was acting up. Turns out that my sister friend from childhood delivered her baby. The baby is 1 pound. This same girl called me last night around 8pm and i didnt pick up. I feel guilty. I'm glad shes okay, but one pound? I'm worried about her, i cant really call her, but i wish i could be there to comfort her.

Beautiful took me out to eat on my birthday. What y'all know about that Atlanta Fish Market?

Damn- im still not tired?

DAMMIT!

Insomnias a bitch!

Woe is me, I have a penis

Peace be Still

For the rest of the week, I am not watching anymore TV. After watching the President's State of the Union address, Flava of Luv, 25 most #$^%&-&* moments in Black History (which i only watched 3 minutes of), CNN, C-Span, i think my senses have gone numb. I no longer respond to shit on tv, and i dont care. Cables nice- but is it really?

Sure im going to miss Idol, Project Runway, Daily Show and some of my other favorite shows but i think its a small sacrifice for my sanity.

Since i drive more now, I listen to the radio and hear the same 10 songs- Krypotnite, Golddigger, Shake that Laffy Taffy, Shake Skake, I'm in luv wit a strippuh, Here we go, Fresh Azimiz,Grillz, Yo(excuse me miss),Unpredictable....and i actually used to like a few of these songs. The radios going off too.

Delaine came back yesterday, gave me the daily report on the people she encountered on the MARTA, at her job. She told us about the store owners in Bankhead and how much they disliked black people. It ain't just George Bush. Yes I know people hate us. I know we are amoung the most hated group in the us and in the world. But sometimes being at Spelman in the womens center, youre sheltered from it, even if just for a few hours a day. At least you can trust the people there, and even more significant, they trust you back. Thats unusual.

Saturday is my birthday party- im really excited. I think it will be fun. My younger sister is coming early friday. I love her.

I thought about Alabama last night. Spending time with Dorothella's family in her quiet Alabama property. I began to miss it. And im not even from there.

Take a deep breath.

Todays my mother birthday. Today i switched from Sprint to T-Mobile, Today I have class. Today I walked 2 miles, Today I'm going to take the MARTA to school, Today I promise that ill take care of myself, Today i'll retun a few phone calls and plan for this party.

Today- is today-is today.

alii

January 30, 2006

So today I turned 23

God is Good
(all the time)

on menstruating on a tampon string budget *tmi*

So during one of my trips to Charis books in Atlanta, the feminist book store which is one of the few times i come in contact with white lesbians in atlanta (I have lived in Atlanta one year and I know the name of one whole white lesbian-she goes to Agnes Scott)

Amongst the books about pussy liberation and lesbian sex guides, there is a little corner devoted to eco-friendly menstruation...

WHAT!!!

So some of the appeal is that it is enviromentally friendly, no bleaching, cost effective blah blah blah. But somehow the sound of a reusable pad or a reusable tampon simply aren't appealing to me. I'm just saying.

And then of course my inital shock turned into curiosity. Well maybe its not such a bad idea. Maybe it would be cheaper. I mean- I started when I was 11.

So that was almost 12 years ago.

Quick calculations
12 years -2 years that i was running and severly underweight =10 years.
10 years x 12 periods a year =120 periods
120 x $4 dollars =$ 480


So in the last 12 years- ive spent almost $500.00 well that is minus the ones i stole out of our gym 'red box', from friends, from the store(okay i shoplifted them a few times), school nurse, overzealous period activists who shall not be named but somehow intergrate their cycles into random conversations and love their womenhood.

(Okay maybe i've spent about 100 dollars. But still, you get the point.)

So among these eco-friendly products there is the Diva Cup and the Keeper. They look like little pocket-size bathroom plungers. They are supposed to be like tampons but im a little scared. I'm sure they work wonderful- and perhaps i'll spend the 35.00 dollars to purchase one

...maybe not.





Then theres a sea sponge. I first heard about this from one of my overly feminist friends back in berkeley who swore by them. She would buy them from the Berkeley Bowl and go right home and adjust it a bit. She said they workied like a charm- as she offered me one. I said hell no. Yes its natural, yes the salt content of the ocean is the same as your body, yes the ocean is pulled by the moon which has a 28 day cycle just like your period. Yes I see how metaphysically this shit is supposed to be deep. Yet everytime i tried to picture it, all i could imagine were barnicles and seahorses growing inside the uterus.

Which brings me to the moon inspired Luna Pads. These are re-usable pads that come in packs of 5-7. They're supposed to be made of flannel which sounds a little like vagina pajamas. These are a bit expensive retailing at about 85.00 dollars. They sound a little extra- but i perhaps in the long run- i could save some money.



In other words- im sure these products are wonderful. I'm sure that they even work better than other products. I'm sure i shouldnt be supporting Tampax. Im sure of a lot of things- yet very unsure about these.

I'm feelin a bit...

SCARED

So if youve tried some of these products, or your best friend has tried them, let a sista know. Anonymous responses are completely fine...

I understand

I Spy

Secret Toni Cade Planning Meeting

on socializing(and other shit im bad at)

"What was your first impression of me?" I ask

"Um, you were kinda standoffish",
"i didnt think you liked me",
"There was like this wall..."
"I just thought you didn't like people..."

You get the point.

I'm socially awkward.

Last night:
SCENE
Friend's 28th birthday party. Cakesbycoko and champaign and chocolate covered strawberries served on clear plastic plates. Beautiful home complete with a dog and plenty of baby pictures to swoon at.
THE CROWD
age: 21-35?
race: All black except 2 or 3 white women
sexuality: 75%-90% were les/bi/queer/not quite straight(this is an approximation based on my gaydar and subsequent friendster visit for follow up)
hair: 60%had locs, if not more, mostly natural.
mixed education varying from never been to college to grad students

Translation- these people were more or less like me and theres nothing to be afraid of

so what happened was. I got to the party and i immediately was drawn to the fireplace. I called myself keeping warm when in fact i was scared to go talk to anyone. I'm the partygoer who is likely to find a seat somewhere and keep myself busy with food, only occasionally leaving my nesting area to get more food. If theres no food- then i am just as likely to find a magazine, look at family pictures or go outside and talk on my cell phone until my required stay at party time has elapsed. Usually 1.5 hours. You see, i've got it down to a science.

Well everything was going according to plan until that social butterfly moya caught wind of my plan. Outraged and insensitive to my social disorder, she made up a game. She challenged me to rack up as many 'social points' as i could.

0.5 for saying 'hello'
2.0 for an introduction lasting longer than 10 seconds
4.0 points for a conversation lasting longer than 2 minutes
1.0 point per minute of additional conversation

simple enough right?

Well no. You see when i'm nervous, i start blushing and laugh. My first attempts of trying to be social resulted in me stumbling around the party laughing and scaring/concerning the surrounding party members.

second attempt- i very awkwardly and conspicuously joined a conversation about holistic spas on the couch. I didnt have a clue what they were talking about, i tried to seem engaged but it didnt work. 2 minutes later, I realized i was probably giving off eerie stalker vibes so i abruptly got up and returned to the chocolate covered strawberries.

Third attempt- moya confirmed that chocolate covered strawberries did not count as party guests.

Fourth attempt- I sat back on the couch directly across from a young black woman who looked interesting. I introduced myself. She said her name was Alexis, she was a grad student at Duke, she studied english, it was her second year, she went to columbia undergrad, she loved new york but was ready to leave, that conversation lasted an entire 4 minutes. It wasn't so bad.

After that- i talked to a few other people, i eased up. I didnt drink ( i had to drive)

I hope i get better at this soon. Its the only way ill meet people. I've been fortunate to have people who gave me a second chance(ie everyone i have met in atlanta) after my notoriously awkward first impressions. I am thankful and blessed for them.

on grad school

I'm having one of those "what shall i do with my life days?"

be forewarned.

Most of my good friends have graduated, a few are in grad school. Thats great, its beautiful, its nice seeing the young black ladies getting the education.

Do i want to go to grad school?

I'm not in love with academia. I dont worship scholars. i dont speak jargon. I don't like arguing with people, because i generaly don't care and dont expect them to change their mind. Im wondering when all this work by scholars will actually fall out of the ivory towers and land in the ghettos that these large universities reside in. Not in a symbolic way, but in a very real way thats meaningful to the people who are studied/examined and interoggated for their experieces for the sake of being a case study in someones book. Books are nice(espcially since i want to work in the library/archive field), largely inaccesible but nice. I'm tired of books/papers/works with two titles that include'examining the role of'', 'redefining','reexamining','looking at','interrogating', the discourse' etc etc. Perhaps the most salient reason would be that i hate writing papers.

Disclaimer: now im not trying to suggest that grad students worship scholar dieties, speak jargon or that their work is insignificant- i think the opposite. I like grad students, in fact, i think women in grad school are sexy.

now the flip side of this is that i actually enjoy school and i love learning . Unfortunately for me, one might not be able to tell that by my transcripts. Grad school sounds appetizing, like a sizzling plate of shrimps. It sounds prestigous, smart, intelligent all that shit. It makes me sound as if im living up to my academic potential. It kinda looks like fun. Like on some ' all- my-cool-friends-are- in-grad-school-so-i-wanna-go too' type shit. I want to talk about how much my cohort sucks, how much i love Dr. so&so's work, how i'm a grad student becaue i suck at life. I want to laugh at professors(like corny white people humor), go to conferences and be affiliated with a school. I want that shit on my resume. I pretty much want to go for all the wrong reasons.

And then theres the allusion that it may somehow open up better job opportunites in my (insert yet-to-be-determined profession here) future. Lately i've been reading some books(yeah- the ones i said earlier were useless) about black people and the climate for jobs. The raging black middle class that i not-so-secretly want to be part of and despise for making me feel like i want to be part of it . Oh how the real world sucks. I've been working since i was 14-i love getting that paycheck and im off topic.

But in conclusion,i want to go to grad school for shallow reasons; i doubt my grades will allow me to do that; i need to find a job that i love(thats another blog entry);It will help my self-esteem to appear smart because I'm scared and insecure; I might feel naked without a post grad degree; trying to improve society outside of the academy, with the academy's help and most importantly, grad school nerds are hot and i want to holla at them and sound intelligent..

So yeah, this is me thinking aloud again. This ain't anything new, or unique.. just ones of those days
(uh oh- sounds like im apologizing *sisterfire leaders begin to beat me on the head with candles*). In the meantime i need to focus on part 1 of grad school-

graduating from Spelman.

(p.s. the reasons i wanted to go to Spelman is a far bigger farce, so embarrising that even shamless alii will not publish them)

on roommates

Its wierd to live with someone, you dont know. Our house is a two bedroom- we have betrween us, one tv, half a radio and share pretty much everything else. I got lucky this time- while surfing through craigslist, i stumbled across a posting from a young woman looking for a roommate in the West End area of Atlanta. It seemed like a good match, and her name sounded familiar, i asked my friends. Turns out she was Spelman alumna-
But its still wierd. Our honeymooney period is over, youre roomate is always great the first two weeks. Its not wierd because we dont get along, far from it, its wierd how our lives are so intergrated in a way thats hard to put into words. We cook for each other, clean each others messes,share the one bathroom, shop for food, talk about our days, see each others 'friends' then go to sleep. We dont hang out, she teahes second grade while i'm at school. We share the living space, occasionally bump into each other and cry over the latest 320.00 gas bill. But the best part is- shes not crazy, she doesnt steal my stuff, shes not a neat freak or a slob, shes respectful and occasionally gives me rides. But its still strange to live with someone you dont really know...ya know?

My last roomate in room 205 Laura Spelman Hall, she was cool too.. We shared a room, it was small but not tiny. Our beds were lofted over our desks, She was a sophmore glee club fanatic from Fairview, Ill who loved computers and fixing things. She was thoughtful- showed me around, attempted to try to teach me some spelman traditions, like the song and the history of some of the buildings. She was the gayest muthafucka on that campus, and the fact that we were roomates was a bigger joke.

no complaints with that roomie.

At UC Santa Cruz i was living in the substance free hall of porter building. I had a roomate who seemed normal on the surface but was psychotic. Often she would wake me with her piercing screams. Twice, in the middle of the night she threw a pillow at me while i was sleeping. At over 5'9 and 300lbs, she was a force to be reckoned, i wasnt exactly trying to fight her. She would hang up on people who tried to call me, including my mother(cell phones do not work on that campus so we shared a room phone). After her antics became more and more bizarre,( like when she would follow me around the room whispering stuuff under her breath), i made an appointment with housing who relocated me upstairs. It was a beautiful room but one night i learned i had another roomate, a bat.

Before that i had a roomate for 16 years. My sister. We shared bunkbeds, read each other stories, talked ourselves to sleep.

so my point is, though it may be strange living with someone you found on craigslist, sometimes it actually works.

i can't wait to get my own place.

I dedicate this year to

fuckin the bullshit.

Last year- was great- a learning experience. I moved here exactly one year ago. Ain't it something.

I'm not overly concerned with what people think of me. I wore pajamas and slippers to the last queer girls party. People whispering'oh she's gay' in the Giles elevator, as if i cant hear them. Or in the cafeteria lunch line, or on founders day when i finally wore a dress. IIts cool- no hard feelings, i have a few friends, thats all i really need.

Most people are beautiful to me. The word ugly has never been iin my vocabulary. My mom told me early on that ugly doesnt describe someone, it describes their actions. I am grateful for this.

But last year i found myself slipping, becoming sensitive to what other people thought, And (gasp) gossip. On a few occasions, my lips went a little loose, i made fun of people, talked shit about people, smiled when i saw them. ITs not that big a deal, but its a big deal too me. I sometimes looked in the mirror, ashamed of what i saw. or more saddened that i had resorted to such low measures to justify my jealousy, insecurity blah blah blah.

So in 2006 im going back to the middle. To the self confident alison that i was before. Nurture myself in a way that can benefit me and the people around me. I want friendships with clarity, honest ones, and if it isnt there- oh well.
Everything will be okay.

Alii

The big 23 (or) * thinking aloud*

So im turning 23 at the end of the month. I'm slightly excited, a little wore out. I feel like i need to be doing more with my life. Etc Etc.(ie i feel like i should be graduating at some point soon)

ANYWAY

But back to the good stuff.
I want to have a birthday party. Since my roommate and I are a day apart, im figuring we should have a joint party. I told her about it and she seemed slightly excited, slighty irritated and partly amused. She said she would show up, and hopefully i can get some of her friends to show up as well. So in other words, i get to plan it. I'm still happy from the new years party. Though i dont want my party to be like that, a little more subdued. With my not-so-queer Spelman friends and my roomies friends there, it will be a different crowd all together.

So i have my tentitive plans laid out

It will be on Jan 28, at my house, somewhere in the evening time.
There will be drinks and some real food, maybe it can be a buffet, but thats too much effort. (Actually thats just an excuse to get Jocelyn and Ndelea to cook)

I'm still stuck on the theme- i suggested that we have a pajama party-mainly because i am too lazy to put on any real clothes. Moya is going to deal with the music. I'm expecting maybe 20 people between my roomate and I, so it will be nice and small...

I'm not good at party planning or anything of that sort. I don't care how many people show up, but i want the ones that do show up, enjoy themselves.

So i just borrowed 'the joy of cooking' from the library, So ill be in the kitchen for the next few hours, 'experimenting'.

Its like

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I'm like:

Uh-huh
Okay
Wassup
Shut-up

(one of those days where i cant think of shit)

resolutions

1. Manage my money better(ie get to know my savings account)
2. Manage my school work better
3. Keep moving toward my career
4. Eat better-less meat more vegetables
5.Actually eat at home instead of eating out
6. Learn how to dress professionally
7. Do more quilting/crafts

Pretty generic but what can i say..

New years

i had a party for new years

It was a lot of fun

I'm so glad people came.

Ive never had a party before.

Somebody bought fireworks and we set them off on my front lawn and in the middle of my street at midnight. My neighbors came out and set theirs off too. We had our own mini show. My house sits high on a triangle so you could see all the fireworks popping off at once,

I don't know how many came- off the top of my head, i knew at least 40 people by name, and a few people i had never met before. The music was cool and though my house is small(2 bedrooms and office) there was enough space that people could dance all up on each other...or not. Smokers had the front porch, we didnt end up using the big back porch. The people in charge of throwing the parties did what they needed to do and helped clean up the house afterwards. I barely had to do a thing. The food was fine and there was plenty of free alcohol (maybe too much). The parking situation was cool-peop;le came and left so there werent major parking issues-. Pretty much everything went off as planned. I'm really surprised people could find the house because i suck at directions.

Before the party- it was bought to my attention that there was concern over my neghborhood being too hood.

There were no shootings, muggings, cars stolen, cars broken into, car accidents, fights, spontaneous fires, complaints to the police, broken windows, busted walls, (or one of my biggst fears, my very old toilet clogging up). Our biggest problem was a very drunk and very underage girl who threw up all over my house and porch. I'm glad shes okay but helll naw. I wont get into it but i was pissed as hell. And i dont get angry very easily. Luckily she has friends who were helping take care of her because i was straight about to drive her ass right back to her mama.

New years is my favorite holiday for sentimental reasons and being able to spend it with some of the coolest people in atlanta, many who i met almost exactly a year ago, just made everything so special.

Happy New Years.

Who I come from

Okay- i know my clothes look a mess, i told yall i coulnt match. But this is a pic of my family.


FAMILY

I dont take it lightly that i have 2 parents and a very closely knit family. Sure its small but i like it that way. They live in California, (my dads family lives in the San Francisco bay while my maternal family lives in Los angeles) 1800 miles away. When i called and told them that i couldnt afford to fly out for the holidays- they pitched in and saw to it that i would be able to make it out there.
I talk a lot about my friends- but here are some poeple i dont talk a lot about. The people who call me Alison. Because these are the people who really know me, who changed my diapers, who drove me to school, bought all my girl scout cookies, spanked me, fed me and took me fishing. They are my cheerleaders, my backbone and village. I could go on, but i wont. So here are some pics. I only wish my dad was actually in some of the pics instead of taking them...

My 4 sisters Kara(19), Maiya(13), Charlotte(5), Me(22), Jasmine(10)


My paternal grandmother Emma who is finally beginning to like my hair(not really)



My grandfather stepping out to church in his black leather coat


My youngest sister and I

My aunty V(my dads sister) and I


My sister Kara, me, and cousin Jessica


The sisters, everybody is standing with their hands on their sister. Top l-r (Tiffany(21), my mother(52), Aunt Karyn(50), me;(bottom row l-r) Tiffany(14), aunty eva (85 or something), my grandmother (80) and my younger sister Kara(20)

My childhood home in Carson, CA

i find it hard to say

Christmas was lovely- enjoyed spending time with my family. My family flew me out here for the holidays (and the warm weather). I made it up to the bay to see my dad, aunt, cousins and sisters. I saw some old friends, hung out- etc. Didnt get enough time, but i saw everybody, including christine who just came back from brazil. Greyhounded back to LA at 4am Christmas morning...

Ive been talking to a lot of my friends lately.. They tell me things and im not entirely sure how to respond. People tell me i'm a good listener but i wonder whether its because i dont know what to say back. Pregnancy, rape, a friends brother just committed suicide. What the hell am i 'supposed to say to that? Sorry? Hope things get better? I'm here for you?

Its been bothering me a lot lately. Frustrated that i can't find anything decent to say. Sure they say' oh listening helps' but do they really mean it? Does me sitting on the other end of the phone line with an occasional 'uh huh' really help? I don't offer advice, my cynicism doesnt exactly drip with optimism and then theres silence..

"Alii what should i do??"

I don't know what you should do. I don't know what i should do. I have never been pregnant, my brother has never commited suicide, hell- ive never even had a brother. Since i believe that everything works in relativity, i try to relate, but im still coming up short here... Ive never been one to talk about my own problems-my blog just covers the surface. I cant understand how telling someone what im dealing with would potentially help me feel better. Maybe its becausei dont really try. I just assume no one would understand- so why bother?

And then its back to the phone. I offer hugs and kisses and a sarcastic remark to ease the tension a little. But i just dont think its enough. So perhaps in this new year i can become a better listener and perhaps a better responder. Really speak from my heart. I dont have the answers but im trying my best...

alii

old friends

I've known this girl since i was 7 years old. The reason i joined YPD was because of her. I had a big crush on her, she was the pastors daughter. She never hung out with me- i was too wierd and i wasnt cool like the rest of the girls in Sunday School. So i just watched her from a far.

Shes pregnant now. We talk on the phone a lot. She called me yesterday and we talked for 2 hours. This morning i woke up and found this button of the two of us in elementary school.

Funny how things change over time. What happened to those two little girls?

California Dreaming

Its 78 degrees out.

oh im freezing

brrrr

te he he he

I got 5 on it

2000 five was an amazing year. Heres a recap

Biggest Things I did in 2005
1.Moved To Atlanta
2.Transferred to my third college
3.Made a few friends(thats a big deal- i usually dont make them very easily)
4. Moved into my first place in the West End
5. Got a tattoo

Five New places I went to in 2005
1.Chicago, Illinois
2.Huntsville, Alabama
3.Chattanooga, Tennessee
4. Richmond, Virginia
5. Bankhead

Five things I learned to Do
1. Drive(Thanks Shan, Angel and Moya)
2. Greyhound from Atlanta to Chicago
3. Twist my own hair
4. Shake my laffy taffy
5. Master the smarta marta

5 things I learned at Spelman
1. People watching at market fridays
2. The difference between the library and club woody
3. The first line of the school song
4. How to walk the strip(and slide between the holes in the fence to get to the library)
5. The Womens Center is the best place in the whole entire school

Five Things I love about the West End
1. Historic West End
2. West End Kroger/ Goodwill
3. "Hello my beautiful queen' when i walk to school
4. My neighbors who greet me
5. The little kids that call me ma'am

Five things I hate about the West End
1.Gentrification(i saw a white couple jogging with their golden retriever')
2. The West End Bank of America, Wachovia and SouthTrust
3.Too many fast food restuarants and they all sell chicken
4. Can't get food delivered
5. Poverty

Five favorite songs of 2005(okay some are a little problematic)
1. Some Cut
2.Touch
3.Gold digger
4.Kryptonite
5. La Tortura

Five most memorable events of 2005
1.Meeting Jocelyn and Angel in the middle of the night in Decatur
2. Hip Hop conference in Chicago
3. April 6th
4. Battle of the Bands
5. Summer in the Bay

Five things I love about Atlanta
1.All the beautiful black people
2. MJQ's
3.Driving through downtown and listening to Luda
4.Queergrrls
5.Everybody knows each other

It was a crazy year, im leaving hella shit out. It was amazing, better than i could have asked. I met the people i needed to meet, learned new things about myself. I didn't know what to expect but it was prolly one of the most interesting years of my life.

I'm leaving for Cali tomorrow. So i dont know when ill be back on.

For everyone who reads my blog have a blessed Holidays. And god bless
-alii

C(alii)

so i tried to stick it out here for xmas break, but i have just barely enough money to fly back to LA and the Bay. I'm elated. not because i love california(trust i dont) or that i hate atlanta, im just happy to be geting there.

After a long ordeal of trying to get this evil woman at the fulton county welfare office to give me food stamps, i finally got them. 270.00. It was followed by a trip to Whole Foods where i purchased organic fish, fruits and Bolthouse Green Juice. Now that i have mine- i have also convinced 6 other people to get them...

Went to see brokeback mountain. Didn't really want to go(i feel 8.50 is too much to see a movie that will eventually be on DVD for 3.75). The theatre was so packed we had to sit in the very front row-never again(unless you want to be dizzy with a neckache).

Nothing interesting- im supposed to be working on a paper.

be back later

papers

got some due, workin hard, workin hard

stuff. updates.

1. So BET did a special on hip hop. Like i said- im notlike a real hip hop head or nothing. I mean, i do care, understand that those images affect us all as black women,understand that its an artform we created thus we must ty to presearve it, understand its origins blah blah blah. Its hard to be optimistic, I'm not in love with hip hop. I don't have a running list of DJ's in my head, havn't been to most of the clubs in Atlanta or the Bay, don't go to underground music shops and ask the disc nigga about the latest this song or that. I can't freestyle, nor do i have any desire to. I own like 5 cd's most of the music i download. I falied at Hip Hop. like on some "F-" shit.
Yesterday one of my friends Malika had a warrior princess retreat. It was supposed to be a small spa retreat in her brand new apartment(its quite nice). aroiund 15 black women ranging from age 21-53 showed up, in interesting mix of people, A 21 year old who is putting out a new cd soon, a few activists, a young woman from Kenya who aspires to one day be the president of her country, a 51 year old spelman sophmore who writes naughty cards, a 24-y/o film producer, and emory grad student, a temple grad student, a harvard grad student graduate who is retuning to the A. a fellow classmate, some recent spelman, clark, clayton state grads, people/s cousins etc... My point is, it was quite a nice mix of people. or really my point is that i have met sooooo many black women since i got to Atlanta. I mean granted i go to aschool with 2000+ black women but damn.

THere is a queergrrls party at my house for new years. It sounds like it will be interesting, prolly a smaller turnout because of the number of new years parties going down. I'm excited, especially since i can drink as much as i want to because i dont have to drive home.hehhehe. (small pleasures)

i prolly wont make it back to cali this holiday season, im saving all my money toward january's rent and going back there will cost upwards of 500 dollars which is more than my rent)I'm a little saddened, i really wantewd to see my parents my aunts and my grandparents. THey really mean a lot to me and i know they'll be disappointed. Tierany and possibly amber and I may do something on christmas, or end up at one of our professors houses.

Okay thats enough of this..

So i'm not really into hip hop discourse.

BUT

Our dear friend Sienna Penderhughes(and i think some other students) will be on Cousin Jeff's Chronicle show talking about hip hop. So I think you should watch, even just to support her(them).

It comes on 7:30pm ET/PT(right after 106&Park) on our beloved network BET

hope you enjoy,
alii

I can't shop.*incriminating photo alert*

I used to have the luxury of sending my younger sister to the mall to buy me outfits, those days are long gone. Shopping with alii is a horrendous activity. I'm really, really bad at it. I am the person that mannequins are made for. I see absolutely nothing wrong with wearing exactly what the mannequin has on, then leaving the store. Shopping with me traumatized MB so much that she had to call Angel(all the way in california) for moral support.

So MB picked this number out(i think she just wanted to leave asap), i think it looked nice. and it fit, what more could i ask?

Here are some pictures from Cris's birthday party. They aren't that great because some people, (including the camera person) had a few too many drinks. I wore a dress as promised. Now I have two dresses (including my white founders day dress).


MB and I



Alysia and the birthday girl cris



Cris serronading(sp) a giggly alii



some of the more flamboyant attendees



Cris and I




One of my (fav) professors who I won't name(evidently my blog is searchable), the nameless professor's sister, Christine, Cris, M, Tierany, Alysia and Ambuh



Me enjoying the rest of the night.

*Please note that these pics may be taken down in a few days, so don't ask me where they went.

a very cliche post about changing the world

So everybody is saying its cold outside- i would like to chime in as well.

Its fucking cold!!!(and for people in states that are under 40 degrees out- i dont even want to hear the compariosn"its waaay colder out here than in atlanta" or "girl, you don't know what cold is". I lived in Boston for 11 years, and what did i do? move)

okay now that its out of my system

I'm almost finished with the semester. Hallelujah. Looks pretty goood. I just watched this movie called "born into brothels' , it made me think about traveling again. I'm wondering if i should stay in archiving or whether i should move into a more 'social work' type field. Its been on my mind for the last few monthes. I'm trying to figure out how to best combine some of my more artistic passions(ie quilting or photography)with something that can effect other peoples lives. maybe not in a political way, just perhaps in social way that people are able to tap into their own artistic passions and begin to create something. Archiving i love, but i can't quite figure out how thats contributing to others. I gain a lot from it, but i want others around me to gain something as well. Havn;t figured how i can work that out.

so i'm watching born into brothels, and the woman in the documentary taught some children how to use cameras in india. And it didn't create world peace or anything, but she was passionte about photogtaphy and she shared her gift with young children and it made a significant difference in a few kids lives.

so i used to want to go to grad school, im losing interest in it. I have the utmost respect for the people in in it-(ie half my friends) but im wondering if thats the route i want to take. Maybe later.

So my new years resolution this year was to allow myself to grow in my new home and get settled, maybe next year i set a little time out each month and work on combining my passions with some sort of social work maybe even teaching a little sewing course to younger girls in my neighborhood. THere are plenty of them, and they are great kids...

Well thats whats been on my mind lately.

Hope everyone is well during this decmeber..

alii

I'm a little hungry

What a difference a year makes

Wow,
i just want to point out that a year ago- i didnt know none of these people who are on the right side of my blog- now with the exception of unspoken_lyric and Entellektual Soul, i know all of yall- have seen all of you in person That to me is amazing.

Blogs are wierd like that you know- the internet is wierd like that.

(Just for the record, December is always a month of reflection for me and January is a month of birth(more specifically, MY birth). so there will be a lot of reminiscing on this blog.).


-alii

Well its 2am- so dont expect anything coherant

Early this morning during one of my insomiatic early morning internet trips, i recieved an email from a young lady in Michigan asking about a picture in Cosby(you know the one in the Toni Cade Display with Toni Cade, Gewndolyn Brooks,Pearl Cleage, Jo B. Cole, Nikki Giovanni, Sonia Sanchez etc) I couldnt be of much help so I forwarded it to Moya who of course knew more than I did. THe point is- she was a young woman writing her admissions essay due Dec 1st. Bless her heart. Exactly a year ago , i was in her shoes, writing and praying that Spelman would ignore my not so perfect GPA and give me a chance...and they did. It changed my life. Another milestone. Which brings me to hthis..

Do you remember?

Do you remeber writing your admissions essay to Spelman (or Purdue, UC Santa Cruz, Agnes Scott, Salem College, Georgia Southern, VCU, Tennessee State? Do you remeber what you wrote?

Do you remember trying out for a sport in high school and not knowing whether or not you made it? Obsessing and practicing until you got every move right, every play down... Do u remember riding on the team bus from a winning game or a losing game?

Do u remember the first time you drove a car? your driving instructor and the road test?(i failed my first one) Do you remeber the first time you drove alone or pulled up to pick up a friend. Do you remeber your first solo ride on public transportation?

Do you remember your first church solo, your first time having to read something in front of the church. The view from the choir stand to the audience or the view from the pulpit? Do you remember little sunday school pamphlets for the lessons or the childrens bible you had?

Do you remember your first bra? Do you still have it? Or your first period? Do you remember your school uniform, The first time you wore heels or the first time you wore slip-on shoes without a strap? Do you remember the first day of 5th grade and the last day of 6th?

Do you remeber the first time you got your hair pressed (then wrecked that shit thinking that wet hair with some gel would somehow make your hair slicker)? Do you remember the first time you got extensions? Your first trip to the beauty shop and the day you decided to lock your hair?

Do you remember McDonalds happy meals and double dutch or 4 squars after school? Do you remember extended care, after care or your babysitter when school let out? How about standing in the freezing boston winter waiting for the goddamn bus to come because it was 3 degrees outside? Do you remember memorizing your times tables and studying Egypt? Do you remember class pets, earthquake drills, fire drills, the pledge of alliegance or what to do when(not 'if') you heard gunshots(or was that because my school was in compton?)

Do you remeber going to work with your parents and coloring while waiting for them to finish? How you split chores and your al;pwance? When you still believed in Santa clause and took pictures on his lap. when you stayed up and waited for signs that he had come?

So many things to remember. And now im finally sleepy. 2:35 am-not bad...

Silent Night

So im an insomniac. There are nights that i just stare at the ceiling wishing some sleep goddess would just whisk me away. There are medicines i see advertised but i dont want some drug induced sleep, or a tranquilizer, i want to just be able to close my eyes and sleep.

Is that too much to ask?

Sure drinking helps, but i dont want to turn into an alcoholic in the name of sleep. Because first it will be sleep, then it will be drinking to numb other areas of life. So i stay away from the bottle at night time.

My house is really quiet at night- i hate quiet nights. I need noise to distract me from my thoughts. Otherwise ill think about things i dont want to think about. Or maybe reality sets in. And with reality comes frustration, fear and stress about circumstances im tired of dealing with.

Theres got to be a way to deal with it, i havnt figured it out yet but im trying.

-alii

Blues for an Alabama Sky*

So for about a month now- I've been bouncing around waiting to go to Alabama. My friend Dorothella invited me(well i sorta invited myself). So curious was i about the state next door to Georgia. And besides a trip to Louisiana for a family reunion and LaGrange Georgia, I have never seen much of the South.
I told people I was going to Alabama-was met by a lot of confused faces'why would you want to go there?" they asked' ain't nothing there'. Well everything is something, especially if its something i've never seen before.. Besides, cities kinda look monotamous after awhile.
We paacked in the car and drove along the tennessee border until we reached Madison county. A few hours and a bunch of cotton fields later, we reached Dorothella's beautiful country home sitting on 5 acres of land. She has a beautiful family that kept me cozy and laughing at the same time. My only wish was that it wasnt so cold out...I took a few pictures- took eeven more in my head. I wonder if i could live somewhere that rural-it was so peaceful.
I ate well- the dogs cheered me up with their energetic selves. Spent an hour trying to get them to learn how to play catch, even though whenever i'd attempt to throw something, they usually just watched me with that 'why-the-hell-does-she-keep-throwing-that-damn-stick-in-the-air' look. They did give me a tour of the yard though...



Now im back to atlanta, that big Alabama sky is just a faint memory, back to the West End and Spelman...



*play by Pearle Cleage

stretch

right now i just want to soak in a warm spring. relax my crippled knees. dream about running-

who knew that i would miss it so much...

"fake meat is like tofu in blackface"
thats what i told moya as she scooped me up a delicious heap of fake meat sloppy joe. Earlier she had sent me to the publix to buy some hamburger buns and by the time i returned to her house, my cynical tummy was eagerly anticipating a meal...even with fake meat. Lately i have begun to notice that my carniverous friends are few and far between and by hanging around so many vegetarians- i have begun cohorting with the enemy.

OK- so perhaps im being dramatic. I just had a conversation with summer where i found myself sounding like a 12 year old unable to rationalize what the hell i was trying to say. And when i did finally say something- i think it left her puzzled over my maturity....i dont blame her

Yesterday was Harry Potter. I confess i have never read any of the books and have only seen one of the movies. Out of a need to lighten my usually pessimistic disposition, i magic markered a lightning bolt on my forehead and wore it to the theatre. Is this denial that i am turning 23 in January...?


Went to CVS, yearned for Xmas- i guess having a house makes me want to decorate for a holiday i usually despise. Never mind that its been 15 years since my mother put a christmas tree in our house,, never mind that my roomate is muslim and is somewhat indifferent to the idea of having a wreath hanging on our west end glass door. I think my house is just asking to be decorated in gawdy green and red, i have some notion that it might make me feel better. Or the reality that i probably wont be able to go home for xmas.

I have put away my passions for quilts-i miss making them from the first one i made in home ec in the 7th grade. I remember trudging through the boston snow to buy fabrics in our town square, picking fanciful designs and mixing snow flakes with desert motifs. I don't have as much time as i used to, i miss making them. When im cold, i want to reach for a blanket i have created from my own imagination. The weather is cold and the chilly air and smell of chimney smoke in my neighborhood reminds me that i have not reutned home to boston in years. I keep saying i'll go back- but when i do-what will i remember of who i am?

Quilts, Quilts- i shall make a quilt for winter- and shall make it for someone i love or someone who needs some warmth in this sometimes cold cold world...

-alii

So u try to hate people

and the world

but then someone turns around and does something nice...

like yesterday- unable to see and end to my money situation, i tried to drop out of school. Unfortunately- my job is right across from the womens center which holds a panoramic view of the archives. During class- she sees me go in there , comes running out the class she was teaching and comes into the archives asking why im not in class. Well Dr. Kuumba, i had to drop out...
Dr K: um no you arent- ,we'll work something out- your supposed to be in class

My boss just laughed as i hung my head and headed back to class...

cant say i didnt try

Ndelea and Jocelyn had me over and cooked a fabulous dinner last night. Have you ever thought you knew how to cook until someone cooks for you?Then youre embarrassed to have them over to eat? I would like to revisit that menu
It was a 4 piece dinner served restaurant style

starting with:
a sweet potatoe& curry soup that included cocunut milk and spinach
a tomato sliced with fresh mozzerella sprinkled with balsamic vinegretta(i think)
warm sourdough bread with butter and/or olive oil
main entree was shrimp pasta...
Oh and if that wasnt enough- key lime pie for dinner

There was wine and white zinfindel but i cant drink wine...long story. So i had mango and orange juice.

So u know i went there expecting spaghetti and maybe some salad- i was not expecting this treat. I mean goddamn- do people really cook like this? IT WAS SO GODDAMN GOOD- i think i was in a state of shock...

I think i need to purchase some more cook books

alii

sure ive been told

but sometimes you just gotta believe it for yourself.

After a rough day of yelling and running into brick walls, i had a near break down in the middle of the cosby building. Just when i though i couldnt take it anymore-out of nowhere A little 4'11 locked angel named Dr. McFadden popped up and demanded that i join her for lunch.
Walking back to her visitors suite on campus in the bottom of johnnetta b. cole, we talked about a son she had lost last year in Boston Childrens hospital- the same hospital i stayed in and spent time playing with my recovering sister. We talked about Zimbabwe, a political system that i have yet to understand. Battery chickens and the west end goodwill

Sure i hate tofu and i hate salads, but i cleaned my plate, and it was good. Made me a believer in veganism. and fresh green tea.

I left there with a smile on my face and a new peace that helped me get through the rest of the days as a sane woman.

I stopped back in yvonnes office(another aquarian) and smiled at the little token of love she had left me-a free lunch ticket.

Sure ive been told the womens center is spelmans best dept.- but now i believe it way down in my heart. Didnt know i had an extra family looking out for me..
alii

walking on broken glass

it sucks being poor-

I tapped all my wells dry and my money(3 paychecks) is tied up at spelman.

yesterday i decided to do something ive never done before-apply for food stamps.

And there i was- yesterday in the bankhead welfare office- knocking on the glass window to protect the social workers from the vicious poor people. I had eveerything- my rent, electric bill, gas bill- and thats not even covering my phone bill. She looked at me and wrote- FS and shouted through the window- "how much is your rent baby?". Sent me to another room across the hall where i nervously twitched my feet. 45 minutes later- sitting across a big blue sign that said "all work is honorable, work first" i was called back up- she looked at me and told me to come back wednesday at 10:30.

Ive been in places like that. Planned parenthood,Dept. human services to get my shots. medicaid office when i was younger. Ive been to much better places. My life is some schizophrenic mix of being dirt poor but upper middle class. I think im supposed to be learning something from this.and i am.

The good news though is that my boss is back so my money can finally come back-
the bad news is that it will be awhile before i will get paid- another 15 days or so.
And i got another little side gig at spelman- working for one of the Cosby chairs that should give me something extra- hopefully enough to fly home to cali for christmas- or at least to boston.

in the meantime- back on the grind. But no worries- everything will be okay.

"how i learned gymnastics" or 'I finally got a bed'

Thanks to alysia and amber who have finally bought my bed saga to an end.




I love it- its perfect- even if i dont have a frame for it

Thanks you, thank you, thank you