Dont judge a library by its book drop

So I've been working at this library for almost 8 months nw. Oh how time flies. The library I work in is patronized by mostly white seniors (60 plus) and white Children under 12 (said white children are often accompanied by a person of a darker hue whom they simply refer to as 'help'). It is classic southern atlanta where house parties are staffed by valets and children wear white linen in the summer. It is a branch where people are eager to pay their 15 cent fine to 'clear their name' and books generally come back on time. The seniors appreciate the relative simplicity of the library, doesnt involve a lot of technology (in fact i never see them even touch the computer catalog to look up a book, they much prefer I tell them where to find it which i gladly do). ITs a realtively uneventful library branch with a high circulation and low computer use.

Well after 7 monthes of getting used to my cozy branch, my manager sends me down to provide coverage for a library on the other side of atlanta (i.e. the colored section). And as my friend Alysia says 'I wasnt ready'.
I pull up to this library, which is surrounded by-and i am not exaggerating- a ms. winners chicken and bisquit, mcdonalds, happy's package store, and some corner mart where I have gone in to buy the exact same minute maid 100% orange and pineapple juice and have been quoted 3 different prices. (For the record, I dont like 'barganing' over some damn orange juice especially 10 cents, but i don play that shit).

But back to the library, I near the entrance and as i turn the corner i see a man getting arrested right in front of the library. Man what a great start. Now when i went into the library, it was quiet, actually quieter than my own branch. I was pleasently surprised. Id never heard 'my people' so quiet...even if half of them were updating myspace pages and watching you tube withheadphones. The rest of the day was wonderful. Its a great branch, truly diverse. Times is rough for everybody but its a branch that really serves the community. I helped people with resumes, line margins up for people writing letters to their civic leaders, showed someone how to cut and paste text from an email onto word. I felt very accomplished.

So just like you cant judge a book by its ocver, i suppose you cant judge a library by its book drop...

I'm fucking hilarious...

Pressure

Ive been feeling a lot of pressure lately to read a certain series of books. Everyday I process holds and inevitable I will see one of Alexander McCall- Smiths No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency books slip through. Now this isnt new. In fact, one of my old roomates told me once to read the series. Now I'm not a lover of fiction so I didnt read them at the time but now Im curious...

Supposedly there is a BBC series featuring Jill Scott playing the title character. I was kinda hoping I could wait until the series moved across the ocean and hit the US. That way I didnt have to use my rusty imagination to picture the characters. I could just rely on some one elses...

I guess a little excersie of my imagination wouldnt kill me...

Strawberry fields forever (or a six inch pot for a field)

I've caught a minor case of green thumb so i decided to grow up some fruit. This is my strawberry plant. The pot is probably too small but im hoping that my little foray into the farming industry will be...well "fruitful"

Boston

I made it to Boston to see lil sis graduate with a masters in education/ Im so so proud of her.

Every year boston seemes more and more like a mythical place i used to live. Its not real. Every year i know fewer and fewer people from there. Sometimes i forget i used to live there...

But alas i got to see some people. My friend from church who now has a daughter and another good friend from high school who is moving further south. I spent most of m time with my family, went tofilenes basement and it was closed! so much for that little excursion. but i was able to get to macy's and score a pair of shorts that fit me.
So i call this trip rather successful.

Life is good, my hours at work have been reduced, but im not trippin. More freetime for my little secret project...

And i iwll be back with more pictures....

The View from here

Aww libraries, the one place i could stay for hours, reading shit i probably shouldnt have been reading. Checking out newspapers from all over the country. I used to read chicagos paper every week while i was in the 7th grade, imagined i was living there, though i had never set foot in htes state. I was also a big fan of the microfiches/ microfilms that were housed in the basement of the Boston Public Library. I knew every corner of that library and half the staff. I miss that library, it was my second home, my teacher and my friend...

Well time to do my job, ill finish this later...

I just found out that there are news librarians

This has been the highlight of my day. I mean ive heard of news archivists but i can do my job in a newsroom. Of course im sure this makes absolutely no one excited but myself but what the hell its worth mentioning...

Good weather, i'm less stressed

Rode my bike to job two, though my dad would have been very disappointed at me for not wearing a helmet... Its a nice 12 minute ride on what i call the bike expressway, a little trail that runs underneath the marta tracks...

I want to make some new friends this summer. Still have yet to figure out how to make that happen. I am so very antisocial, its painful. I dont think i realate to people well. I want friends- no actually i want some one to go with me on my off the wall adventures. People saaay they'll go, yet when i call them they're not as interested. Or the thought of spending alone time with someone scares the shit out of me.

I guess i just want company. Someone interesting who listens to me. I get so lonely. I wonder if loners ever get lonely.

Aww but i wont dwell on that. Friends do show up in the most random of ways. Usually when you least expect it... I hope that happens.

Oh yeah,- the secret plan is back in action YAY!

Being ahead of your time is overrated

People say that shit like its a compliment. Whenever i read about someone being ahead of their time all i feel is sadness Because what their really saying is that- you have great ideas but were just gonna stay comfortable and lazy. The world isnt ready for you. But if the world isnt ready for you, who is? Who can youre friends be? Who would take you seriously? Someone you dont know 10 or 15 years after you are dead. Who is there to validate you or let you try out your new ideas. I wonder if its like being in a stalled car knowing the gas station is a mile away and closed.

If only, if only people cooperated.

I wonder if its comforting writing something and knowing that in the future, youre work will be celebrated or referred to as classic or genius? I would think not. But perhaps it is...

INTP do you know what i mean

So MB has a shirt with 4 letters on it which she later explained were her myers briggs letter. She then promptly sat me down and made me take the test. I took it, was puzzled with the intp result- didnt know what that meant...

So mostly i relied on my astrological sign, Aquarius, to describe my personality but recently i have been reintroduced to my 4 letters which happen to be intp. Basically i am an introvert who analyzes everything and feels very little.

http://www.intp.org/intprofile.html

http://www.personalitypage.com/INTP_rel.html

um yeah, explains a lot.

Went to California last week, saw old freinds, Alex and Christine,Angel, Ajani Jssica. My parents, sisters, grandmother and popo aunts. IT was filling. Lke a good meal. ALmost as though i had never left. rented a car, drove through berkeley for the first time. Saw the routes i used to walk, the whole tamale. Oh yeah, had tamales.

It as nice to go back. My weeks before I worked 58 hour weeks just to cushion the financial blow the week ould take, but it was well worth it. Drove to Big Sur, tasted the salty ocean, ate clam chowda in bread bowls in fishermans wharf, had crepes in the castro. Ate on Monterey's cannery row and watch the seals swim onto the docks. Took a trolley and chased the sunset... California showed off its best weather...

My sisters how they have grown. Im the oldest yet my sisters seem to keep outgrowing me...Its getting a little old.

ITs really late, having one of these night time insomniac attacks I thought i had it cured with my job and stability but something else is troubling me. So many things seem so hard to verbalize, cant seem to find the words. I guess ill just have to work through it.

Not much to report today, just trying to get some sleep

The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind

Something thats been on my mind lately. how can everyone fit in?

I recently went to another branch of the system. THis one was in a more um 'urban area'. Now I oft compalin that we have too many damn books (this is usually when im the one having to reshelve them all) . I usually have to spend a few hours pushing books aside and squeezng in the newest bestsellers. THen i have to try and convince someone to weed some of these book...

But back to what i was saying. I was in another library and they seem to have the opposite problem. Too many shelves too few books. THe books on the shelves were generally unread, i could tell by the sound they made when i opened them.

Libraries and Journalism are two of my favorite instituions, both are threatened and i think some creative thinking can help navigate around that. Ive seen some cities (Seattle, San Francisco who have actually inncreased the numbers of patrons by offering innovative programs and cafes and all that shit) Unfortunately I dont think Atlanta is particularly innovative. (In fact most shit is reactive)

Im not sure i want to be a librarian. Sometimes Im geeked about the profession and other times Im hesistant...

Guess I just have to wait and see.

THings are looking up-I think its a direct corrolation with the weather

But i dont want to jinx anything. My secret project was stalled by yet another mishap but i havnt given up yet.

But on a nicer note- i got a new place. ITs cozy and seriously lacking in some areas but its also cozy and utilites are included so i wont complain. The job thing is starting to work out though. more hours, more responsibilty. Sure my co workers drive me nuts but its something to do. And if there is one place i can stand being in for hours its in a library. ALA conference coming up.

The weather is getting better which hopefully means my mood will improve. In two weeks ill be headed back to Berkeley. See family, friends and water. But until then ill be hustling these hours and working 50 hour weeks until i cant stand.

The secret project

That im too embarrassed to really reveal right now but its in the works. i'm signed up and everything. Hopefully this will distract me for awhile.

curiosity killed the cat (but satisfaction bought him back)

But im never really satisfied. Cant seem to follow through on things. In the midst of one thing im doing, i get bored and want to leave and start on something new. What about seeing things through or commitment?

I thought curiosity was a childish trait, I thought id grow out of it. Buit im realizing that perhaps I wont? In fact it seems to be getting worse.

Freeze

Sometimes I stop in the middle of something and i think

Where am I. Today it happened while I was closing the gym. I'm in Atlanta. At work. Cleaning. Working a double shift. Its cold.

Today I went to work at the library, got my eyebrows done, ate indian buffet, drove around, wroked a grueling night shift at the gym, took marta home.

Life can be so elusive at times, like just when you reach out and grab it, it slips through your fingers like quicksand.

Its funny like that..

What am i doing with my life?

I feel a bit aimless. I made some bad decisions that i rpobably wont recover from. Makes me depressed, keeps me up at night. Not sure how to fix that.


A gulty conscience needs no accuser

The day started so well

Sometimes im ioverwhelemd, espcially financally. Sure no one can make it on their own but i hate relying on people, asking people for money. I live in Atlanta partly because of the freedom i have here. I dont have a family member for miles. I like that space.

I got paid two days ago, add to that a hefty commission check and my tax return came back. Plis my birthday is coming up so that usually yields an extre spending change. so for while i was in the clear. finally, 2008 of to a new start.

Well just when i was riding igh. My cars transmission stated acting up. I took it by the shop, he put some new transmission fluid in it and for a day it drove like a dream. But then it reverted back to its old ways again and the problem came back with a vengence. I dont know how much its going to cost to repair it.

So i set aside some time this week to take it by the shop.

Tpday i went to piedmont park because the weather was nice. Walked some dogs, did that whole thing. Afterwards we decided to go to Six Feet Under. I bit into an oyster and wouldnt you know, it had sand in it which caused my teeth to crack and crumble out my mouth. AGHHHH!

Oh and did i mention that rent is due Friday?

I have alternating paudays so trouble dont last always. With this new job i had visions of moving into a studio of my own, have my own space, but i think i may still have to be with a roomate. Man we havnt made it past January and shit already falling apart.

Mardi Gras is next week, im excited about stumbling through the french quarter drunk, hearing music and partying. Hopefully itll be a good endcap for this misdirected month...



So now it looks as though i

They wear fur coats to the library

Because its buckhead. They talk with long southern drawls that sound straight out of Driving Ms. daisy . There is even a booster club to raise money for the library.
Its another world.

When i interviewed for positionsin the Atlanta Fulton Public Library system, it was my last choice. so confident and cocky i was certain i would get my top choice, that i didnt even feel the need to go to the last library. But i did...for 'practice'. (Dont you love being slapped back down?).

I wante something more 'urban', something where i could 'work with' people. I had a demographic in mind. Something more diverse. (and not to mention MARTA accessible). It takes an hour to get there on the train as opposed to the 20 minute commutes in the other libraries i interviewed at.
But the Lord works in mysterious ways. THey called 3 weeks after my interview. 'Which library I asked excitedly...

Oh...

Well. I needed a job asap. The money/hours were cool. And there was a bus that went there...

Those were pretty much the reasons i decided to take the job. I agreed over the phone and called the branch manager to confirm. "oh girl im so excited! you were my first choice! I was hpoing and holdong my breath that you take the posotion"

Well at least someone was excited. But i mean, how can you be disappointed when shes so happy youre coming?

I'm wondering what the lesson is here. Of the 30 branches of the Atlanta library system,, why this one? I think its partly karma for my cockiness and my issues with AmeriCorps. But most of all i think of it as a kind of resume rehab. THe last year has been filled with a string of short term stints and i need to show hat i can commit to a job. I mean what kind of trouble could i possibly get myself in in checking out books to socialites and their children? Especially when i have a manager ho believes in me. I need to do the best i can. At least for 6 monthes(after 6 monthes you are eligible to transfer)

Im starting to warm up to the quirkiness of the 60 something white librarians. In circulation class, i even had a little 'branch pride' moment surrounded by people from other branches.

I guess u cant judge a book by its cover

hard day

Everything was going well. Well actually it wasnt, Ive been fighting off debt and just when i got back on my two feet, my car decides to start acting up. Now ive had this car for a month and its been real good too me, in fact so good i named her lucky. She has her problems shes a maure woman but i like mature women.

Well im going from 285 to I-20 east to 75/85 North and shes sailing, keeping a good 70 mph. I get off Freedom at freedom parkway and the car starts thumping. I had about 4 more miles to go so i prayed the car wouldnt give out in the one lane surrounding the carter Library. I made it home, thank God.

I hope hope hope i dont need a new transmission.

Little bites

I'm not a meal person. I'm a nibbler. I like to take a portion of a meal, take it back and work on it then return back to the pot and take another scoop. If there is an entire meal put on my plate, i get overwhelmed. Its too much food at one time. Sometimes ill spread out one meal over a 4 hour time, keeps it eaiser for me to eat.
I have realized that this minute detail translates into other pieces in my life. Like college, work and lceaning my slovenly abode. In projects, i like to do little pieces of the project and return to the group. So with this bit of new found self knowledge, i wonder if i can conquer a few things that i have deemed to overwhelmong to deal with in 2008. We shall see.

what does this have to do with thoreau?

"I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he will. Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows. The really diligent student in one of the crowded hives of Cambridge College is as solitary as a dervish in the desert. The farmer can work alone in the field or the woods all day, hoeing or chopping, and not feel lonesome, because he is employed; but when he comes home at night he cannot sit down in a room alone, at the mercy of his thoughts, but must be where he can "see the folks," and recreate, and as he thinks remunerate himself for his day's solitude; and hence he wonders how the student can sit alone in the house all night and most of the day without ennui and "the blues"; but he does not realize that the student, though in the house, is still at work in his field, and chopping in his woods, as the farmer in his, and in turn seeks the same recreation and society that the latter does, though it may be a more condensed form of it. "

I read Walden my junior year in high school. My teacher, Ms. Carp, introduced the book as either you love it or hate it. I had grown eary of the obooks. Junior year english was full of literature. THeir eyes were watching God, The Scarlet Letter, The sun also rises, Huckleberry Finn. I dont like literature. As I dont like most fiction. Even movies, i generally prefer a good documentary over a heartwarming tale. In2nd grade in our trip to the library, I found it helpful to remember fiction vs. non fiction by pairing fiction with 'fake'. I wonder if that colored my later experieneces with it.

But THoreau and the rest of the trancedentalists caught me. It wasnt fake. It was something real. It was observational. Nothing intrigues me more than someones observations. But it turns out i was the only one who 'loved it'. Class after class, my peers lambasted the book, calling him cynical and a loser who had no friends. But what i saw in his work reflected my own experiences. Like literally sitting in a room full of people and not feeling in any way connected to another person. It was such a common feeling for me, i had grown accustomed to being the only one, loniliness was my steady companion. It was in this class that i realized that being alone was second nature to me.

I was talking to a friend. She asked me why i had built up so much resentment toward people with money. I told her that evryone around me had more money than me, it always seemed like they 'could' and i 'couldnt'. They got things, I wanted things. To try to even the playing field I worked at the local star market for a year bagging groceries. In my blue shirts and khaki pants i scanned groceries for 5.50/hr, but even that never reallly got me past first base. The resentment, i tell her, was the only way i could be jealous and still like the people around me. If i didnt hold the jealosy inside, i wouldnt be able to talk to anyone around me. It was a functional jealosy.

It hurt. I felt disconnected. Lost a lot of confidence. And it wasnt that i wanted there to be people poorer than me because i get nothing from feeling better than someone else. I just wanted to be able to relate to someone. The median household income in my town was 85,000. Our household income was not even a quarter of that. I wanted there to be another Black girl in Belmont, who lived with her single mother and shared a room with her sister. Or something even remotely similar. Never happened. Oddly enough, people i went to HS with complain about not having any rent money, or money for utilities, now as adults they can relate, but that was my entire childhood.

And sometimes that feeling of not being able to realte still haunts me. I still dont have a lot of friends that i feel close too.I fucked up the friendship i had with my best friend and now i feel even more alone than i ever have.

And what does this have to do with thoreau, well everything and nothing. he was just on my mind today. I needed to read that passage again and feel the way i did in that Junior year class...

Luck be a lady tonight

My new car, her name is lucky. Her rear defrost doesnt work. Its dangerous to drive when you cant see behind you. When things are obscured by shifting weather and cold mornings.

Got a napkin, reached backed and wiped it down.