January 30, 2006

So today I turned 23

God is Good
(all the time)

on menstruating on a tampon string budget *tmi*

So during one of my trips to Charis books in Atlanta, the feminist book store which is one of the few times i come in contact with white lesbians in atlanta (I have lived in Atlanta one year and I know the name of one whole white lesbian-she goes to Agnes Scott)

Amongst the books about pussy liberation and lesbian sex guides, there is a little corner devoted to eco-friendly menstruation...

WHAT!!!

So some of the appeal is that it is enviromentally friendly, no bleaching, cost effective blah blah blah. But somehow the sound of a reusable pad or a reusable tampon simply aren't appealing to me. I'm just saying.

And then of course my inital shock turned into curiosity. Well maybe its not such a bad idea. Maybe it would be cheaper. I mean- I started when I was 11.

So that was almost 12 years ago.

Quick calculations
12 years -2 years that i was running and severly underweight =10 years.
10 years x 12 periods a year =120 periods
120 x $4 dollars =$ 480


So in the last 12 years- ive spent almost $500.00 well that is minus the ones i stole out of our gym 'red box', from friends, from the store(okay i shoplifted them a few times), school nurse, overzealous period activists who shall not be named but somehow intergrate their cycles into random conversations and love their womenhood.

(Okay maybe i've spent about 100 dollars. But still, you get the point.)

So among these eco-friendly products there is the Diva Cup and the Keeper. They look like little pocket-size bathroom plungers. They are supposed to be like tampons but im a little scared. I'm sure they work wonderful- and perhaps i'll spend the 35.00 dollars to purchase one

...maybe not.





Then theres a sea sponge. I first heard about this from one of my overly feminist friends back in berkeley who swore by them. She would buy them from the Berkeley Bowl and go right home and adjust it a bit. She said they workied like a charm- as she offered me one. I said hell no. Yes its natural, yes the salt content of the ocean is the same as your body, yes the ocean is pulled by the moon which has a 28 day cycle just like your period. Yes I see how metaphysically this shit is supposed to be deep. Yet everytime i tried to picture it, all i could imagine were barnicles and seahorses growing inside the uterus.

Which brings me to the moon inspired Luna Pads. These are re-usable pads that come in packs of 5-7. They're supposed to be made of flannel which sounds a little like vagina pajamas. These are a bit expensive retailing at about 85.00 dollars. They sound a little extra- but i perhaps in the long run- i could save some money.



In other words- im sure these products are wonderful. I'm sure that they even work better than other products. I'm sure i shouldnt be supporting Tampax. Im sure of a lot of things- yet very unsure about these.

I'm feelin a bit...

SCARED

So if youve tried some of these products, or your best friend has tried them, let a sista know. Anonymous responses are completely fine...

I understand

I Spy

Secret Toni Cade Planning Meeting

on socializing(and other shit im bad at)

"What was your first impression of me?" I ask

"Um, you were kinda standoffish",
"i didnt think you liked me",
"There was like this wall..."
"I just thought you didn't like people..."

You get the point.

I'm socially awkward.

Last night:
SCENE
Friend's 28th birthday party. Cakesbycoko and champaign and chocolate covered strawberries served on clear plastic plates. Beautiful home complete with a dog and plenty of baby pictures to swoon at.
THE CROWD
age: 21-35?
race: All black except 2 or 3 white women
sexuality: 75%-90% were les/bi/queer/not quite straight(this is an approximation based on my gaydar and subsequent friendster visit for follow up)
hair: 60%had locs, if not more, mostly natural.
mixed education varying from never been to college to grad students

Translation- these people were more or less like me and theres nothing to be afraid of

so what happened was. I got to the party and i immediately was drawn to the fireplace. I called myself keeping warm when in fact i was scared to go talk to anyone. I'm the partygoer who is likely to find a seat somewhere and keep myself busy with food, only occasionally leaving my nesting area to get more food. If theres no food- then i am just as likely to find a magazine, look at family pictures or go outside and talk on my cell phone until my required stay at party time has elapsed. Usually 1.5 hours. You see, i've got it down to a science.

Well everything was going according to plan until that social butterfly moya caught wind of my plan. Outraged and insensitive to my social disorder, she made up a game. She challenged me to rack up as many 'social points' as i could.

0.5 for saying 'hello'
2.0 for an introduction lasting longer than 10 seconds
4.0 points for a conversation lasting longer than 2 minutes
1.0 point per minute of additional conversation

simple enough right?

Well no. You see when i'm nervous, i start blushing and laugh. My first attempts of trying to be social resulted in me stumbling around the party laughing and scaring/concerning the surrounding party members.

second attempt- i very awkwardly and conspicuously joined a conversation about holistic spas on the couch. I didnt have a clue what they were talking about, i tried to seem engaged but it didnt work. 2 minutes later, I realized i was probably giving off eerie stalker vibes so i abruptly got up and returned to the chocolate covered strawberries.

Third attempt- moya confirmed that chocolate covered strawberries did not count as party guests.

Fourth attempt- I sat back on the couch directly across from a young black woman who looked interesting. I introduced myself. She said her name was Alexis, she was a grad student at Duke, she studied english, it was her second year, she went to columbia undergrad, she loved new york but was ready to leave, that conversation lasted an entire 4 minutes. It wasn't so bad.

After that- i talked to a few other people, i eased up. I didnt drink ( i had to drive)

I hope i get better at this soon. Its the only way ill meet people. I've been fortunate to have people who gave me a second chance(ie everyone i have met in atlanta) after my notoriously awkward first impressions. I am thankful and blessed for them.

on grad school

I'm having one of those "what shall i do with my life days?"

be forewarned.

Most of my good friends have graduated, a few are in grad school. Thats great, its beautiful, its nice seeing the young black ladies getting the education.

Do i want to go to grad school?

I'm not in love with academia. I dont worship scholars. i dont speak jargon. I don't like arguing with people, because i generaly don't care and dont expect them to change their mind. Im wondering when all this work by scholars will actually fall out of the ivory towers and land in the ghettos that these large universities reside in. Not in a symbolic way, but in a very real way thats meaningful to the people who are studied/examined and interoggated for their experieces for the sake of being a case study in someones book. Books are nice(espcially since i want to work in the library/archive field), largely inaccesible but nice. I'm tired of books/papers/works with two titles that include'examining the role of'', 'redefining','reexamining','looking at','interrogating', the discourse' etc etc. Perhaps the most salient reason would be that i hate writing papers.

Disclaimer: now im not trying to suggest that grad students worship scholar dieties, speak jargon or that their work is insignificant- i think the opposite. I like grad students, in fact, i think women in grad school are sexy.

now the flip side of this is that i actually enjoy school and i love learning . Unfortunately for me, one might not be able to tell that by my transcripts. Grad school sounds appetizing, like a sizzling plate of shrimps. It sounds prestigous, smart, intelligent all that shit. It makes me sound as if im living up to my academic potential. It kinda looks like fun. Like on some ' all- my-cool-friends-are- in-grad-school-so-i-wanna-go too' type shit. I want to talk about how much my cohort sucks, how much i love Dr. so&so's work, how i'm a grad student becaue i suck at life. I want to laugh at professors(like corny white people humor), go to conferences and be affiliated with a school. I want that shit on my resume. I pretty much want to go for all the wrong reasons.

And then theres the allusion that it may somehow open up better job opportunites in my (insert yet-to-be-determined profession here) future. Lately i've been reading some books(yeah- the ones i said earlier were useless) about black people and the climate for jobs. The raging black middle class that i not-so-secretly want to be part of and despise for making me feel like i want to be part of it . Oh how the real world sucks. I've been working since i was 14-i love getting that paycheck and im off topic.

But in conclusion,i want to go to grad school for shallow reasons; i doubt my grades will allow me to do that; i need to find a job that i love(thats another blog entry);It will help my self-esteem to appear smart because I'm scared and insecure; I might feel naked without a post grad degree; trying to improve society outside of the academy, with the academy's help and most importantly, grad school nerds are hot and i want to holla at them and sound intelligent..

So yeah, this is me thinking aloud again. This ain't anything new, or unique.. just ones of those days
(uh oh- sounds like im apologizing *sisterfire leaders begin to beat me on the head with candles*). In the meantime i need to focus on part 1 of grad school-

graduating from Spelman.

(p.s. the reasons i wanted to go to Spelman is a far bigger farce, so embarrising that even shamless alii will not publish them)

on roommates

Its wierd to live with someone, you dont know. Our house is a two bedroom- we have betrween us, one tv, half a radio and share pretty much everything else. I got lucky this time- while surfing through craigslist, i stumbled across a posting from a young woman looking for a roommate in the West End area of Atlanta. It seemed like a good match, and her name sounded familiar, i asked my friends. Turns out she was Spelman alumna-
But its still wierd. Our honeymooney period is over, youre roomate is always great the first two weeks. Its not wierd because we dont get along, far from it, its wierd how our lives are so intergrated in a way thats hard to put into words. We cook for each other, clean each others messes,share the one bathroom, shop for food, talk about our days, see each others 'friends' then go to sleep. We dont hang out, she teahes second grade while i'm at school. We share the living space, occasionally bump into each other and cry over the latest 320.00 gas bill. But the best part is- shes not crazy, she doesnt steal my stuff, shes not a neat freak or a slob, shes respectful and occasionally gives me rides. But its still strange to live with someone you dont really know...ya know?

My last roomate in room 205 Laura Spelman Hall, she was cool too.. We shared a room, it was small but not tiny. Our beds were lofted over our desks, She was a sophmore glee club fanatic from Fairview, Ill who loved computers and fixing things. She was thoughtful- showed me around, attempted to try to teach me some spelman traditions, like the song and the history of some of the buildings. She was the gayest muthafucka on that campus, and the fact that we were roomates was a bigger joke.

no complaints with that roomie.

At UC Santa Cruz i was living in the substance free hall of porter building. I had a roomate who seemed normal on the surface but was psychotic. Often she would wake me with her piercing screams. Twice, in the middle of the night she threw a pillow at me while i was sleeping. At over 5'9 and 300lbs, she was a force to be reckoned, i wasnt exactly trying to fight her. She would hang up on people who tried to call me, including my mother(cell phones do not work on that campus so we shared a room phone). After her antics became more and more bizarre,( like when she would follow me around the room whispering stuuff under her breath), i made an appointment with housing who relocated me upstairs. It was a beautiful room but one night i learned i had another roomate, a bat.

Before that i had a roomate for 16 years. My sister. We shared bunkbeds, read each other stories, talked ourselves to sleep.

so my point is, though it may be strange living with someone you found on craigslist, sometimes it actually works.

i can't wait to get my own place.

I dedicate this year to

fuckin the bullshit.

Last year- was great- a learning experience. I moved here exactly one year ago. Ain't it something.

I'm not overly concerned with what people think of me. I wore pajamas and slippers to the last queer girls party. People whispering'oh she's gay' in the Giles elevator, as if i cant hear them. Or in the cafeteria lunch line, or on founders day when i finally wore a dress. IIts cool- no hard feelings, i have a few friends, thats all i really need.

Most people are beautiful to me. The word ugly has never been iin my vocabulary. My mom told me early on that ugly doesnt describe someone, it describes their actions. I am grateful for this.

But last year i found myself slipping, becoming sensitive to what other people thought, And (gasp) gossip. On a few occasions, my lips went a little loose, i made fun of people, talked shit about people, smiled when i saw them. ITs not that big a deal, but its a big deal too me. I sometimes looked in the mirror, ashamed of what i saw. or more saddened that i had resorted to such low measures to justify my jealousy, insecurity blah blah blah.

So in 2006 im going back to the middle. To the self confident alison that i was before. Nurture myself in a way that can benefit me and the people around me. I want friendships with clarity, honest ones, and if it isnt there- oh well.
Everything will be okay.

Alii

The big 23 (or) * thinking aloud*

So im turning 23 at the end of the month. I'm slightly excited, a little wore out. I feel like i need to be doing more with my life. Etc Etc.(ie i feel like i should be graduating at some point soon)

ANYWAY

But back to the good stuff.
I want to have a birthday party. Since my roommate and I are a day apart, im figuring we should have a joint party. I told her about it and she seemed slightly excited, slighty irritated and partly amused. She said she would show up, and hopefully i can get some of her friends to show up as well. So in other words, i get to plan it. I'm still happy from the new years party. Though i dont want my party to be like that, a little more subdued. With my not-so-queer Spelman friends and my roomies friends there, it will be a different crowd all together.

So i have my tentitive plans laid out

It will be on Jan 28, at my house, somewhere in the evening time.
There will be drinks and some real food, maybe it can be a buffet, but thats too much effort. (Actually thats just an excuse to get Jocelyn and Ndelea to cook)

I'm still stuck on the theme- i suggested that we have a pajama party-mainly because i am too lazy to put on any real clothes. Moya is going to deal with the music. I'm expecting maybe 20 people between my roomate and I, so it will be nice and small...

I'm not good at party planning or anything of that sort. I don't care how many people show up, but i want the ones that do show up, enjoy themselves.

So i just borrowed 'the joy of cooking' from the library, So ill be in the kitchen for the next few hours, 'experimenting'.

Its like

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I'm like:

Uh-huh
Okay
Wassup
Shut-up

(one of those days where i cant think of shit)

resolutions

1. Manage my money better(ie get to know my savings account)
2. Manage my school work better
3. Keep moving toward my career
4. Eat better-less meat more vegetables
5.Actually eat at home instead of eating out
6. Learn how to dress professionally
7. Do more quilting/crafts

Pretty generic but what can i say..

New years

i had a party for new years

It was a lot of fun

I'm so glad people came.

Ive never had a party before.

Somebody bought fireworks and we set them off on my front lawn and in the middle of my street at midnight. My neighbors came out and set theirs off too. We had our own mini show. My house sits high on a triangle so you could see all the fireworks popping off at once,

I don't know how many came- off the top of my head, i knew at least 40 people by name, and a few people i had never met before. The music was cool and though my house is small(2 bedrooms and office) there was enough space that people could dance all up on each other...or not. Smokers had the front porch, we didnt end up using the big back porch. The people in charge of throwing the parties did what they needed to do and helped clean up the house afterwards. I barely had to do a thing. The food was fine and there was plenty of free alcohol (maybe too much). The parking situation was cool-peop;le came and left so there werent major parking issues-. Pretty much everything went off as planned. I'm really surprised people could find the house because i suck at directions.

Before the party- it was bought to my attention that there was concern over my neghborhood being too hood.

There were no shootings, muggings, cars stolen, cars broken into, car accidents, fights, spontaneous fires, complaints to the police, broken windows, busted walls, (or one of my biggst fears, my very old toilet clogging up). Our biggest problem was a very drunk and very underage girl who threw up all over my house and porch. I'm glad shes okay but helll naw. I wont get into it but i was pissed as hell. And i dont get angry very easily. Luckily she has friends who were helping take care of her because i was straight about to drive her ass right back to her mama.

New years is my favorite holiday for sentimental reasons and being able to spend it with some of the coolest people in atlanta, many who i met almost exactly a year ago, just made everything so special.

Happy New Years.