"What was your first impression of me?" I ask
"Um, you were kinda standoffish",
"i didnt think you liked me",
"There was like this wall..."
"I just thought you didn't like people..."
You get the point.
I'm socially awkward.
Last night:
SCENE
Friend's 28th birthday party. Cakesbycoko and champaign and chocolate covered strawberries served on clear plastic plates. Beautiful home complete with a dog and plenty of baby pictures to swoon at.
THE CROWD
age: 21-35?
race: All black except 2 or 3 white women
sexuality: 75%-90% were les/bi/queer/not quite straight(this is an approximation based on my gaydar and subsequent friendster visit for follow up)
hair: 60%had locs, if not more, mostly natural.
mixed education varying from never been to college to grad students
Translation- these people were more or less like me and theres nothing to be afraid of
so what happened was. I got to the party and i immediately was drawn to the fireplace. I called myself keeping warm when in fact i was scared to go talk to anyone. I'm the partygoer who is likely to find a seat somewhere and keep myself busy with food, only occasionally leaving my nesting area to get more food. If theres no food- then i am just as likely to find a magazine, look at family pictures or go outside and talk on my cell phone until my required stay at party time has elapsed. Usually 1.5 hours. You see, i've got it down to a science.
Well everything was going according to plan until that social butterfly moya caught wind of my plan. Outraged and insensitive to my social disorder, she made up a game. She challenged me to rack up as many 'social points' as i could.
0.5 for saying 'hello'
2.0 for an introduction lasting longer than 10 seconds
4.0 points for a conversation lasting longer than 2 minutes
1.0 point per minute of additional conversation
simple enough right?
Well no. You see when i'm nervous, i start blushing and laugh. My first attempts of trying to be social resulted in me stumbling around the party laughing and scaring/concerning the surrounding party members.
second attempt- i very awkwardly and conspicuously joined a conversation about holistic spas on the couch. I didnt have a clue what they were talking about, i tried to seem engaged but it didnt work. 2 minutes later, I realized i was probably giving off eerie stalker vibes so i abruptly got up and returned to the chocolate covered strawberries.
Third attempt- moya confirmed that chocolate covered strawberries did not count as party guests.
Fourth attempt- I sat back on the couch directly across from a young black woman who looked interesting. I introduced myself. She said her name was Alexis, she was a grad student at Duke, she studied english, it was her second year, she went to columbia undergrad, she loved new york but was ready to leave, that conversation lasted an entire 4 minutes. It wasn't so bad.
After that- i talked to a few other people, i eased up. I didnt drink ( i had to drive)
I hope i get better at this soon. Its the only way ill meet people. I've been fortunate to have people who gave me a second chance(ie everyone i have met in atlanta) after my notoriously awkward first impressions. I am thankful and blessed for them.
13 comments:
you are so funny alison. LOL! the only time i'm not an awkward bunny is when I am dancing. other than that, it's pretty much a rap. most of the girls in atl are so damn hawt, i get nervous as soon as the music stops and don't let someone *attempt* some convo. o'lordy. but when i met you, i didn't think you were socially awkward or inept--you had me fool gal---i was wondering how your little, short legs could walk so fast!!!!
okay...that synopsis was cute. i thought u won the damn game. i saw u speaking with others, and we spoke for quite a while (thank you by the way, i enjoyed the conversation). i dunno, i guess that i am technically very much like u at parties...i just try to gravitate to what i am comfortable with...happened to be you and moya.
that's funny cuz you made me feel so bad about my anti-social-shyness syndrome....
:-)
being anti-social is the shit.
let them haters hate.
don't encourage her- summer
i think strawberries count ;+). seriously, homie, it's a dance that we all learn at our own pace. and we party in different ways. some communicate more dancing than they ever would speaking.
all love...
@kili-yes they are hot. The difference with when i met you was that i knew you were coming so i could prepare myself and it was only you. If i was at a party, and i didnt know you, and had never spoken to you on the phone,i prolly wouldn't have said anything. trust me.
@wild cowgirl- i heard you got that email.heheheeh. I enjoyed the conversation as well. Feels like its been so long."Lookin at that gucci its about that time'- had me laughing all night.
@nubian- i just tease you because you are just like me. Remember how long we went that summer in that class without saying a thing to each other?
@summerm-Thank you. Next time i come to chicago, im just gonna stare at you and not say anything.
@m'i wanna talk to everybody in the room' bailey-Silence is golden and im tryna live my life like its golden.
@Fruitfly4-Thank you. Strawberries are Gods creatures too. I communicate through eating food in the corner. Thank you T for giving me words through which to express this phenomenom.
i get the same thing but i figure there are two choices. liquor makes us all friendly! or, fuck em! since when did shy become standoffish??
*yeah, what fruitfly4 had said. cuz i for true didn't think you liked me...(sometimes i'm still not so sure)...i'm patient though. i know we all unfold in our own time.
*I LOVE ALEXIS!!! That womyn is the brightest star! I'm glad that you two had an opportunity to connect.
*That sounds like my kinda party. Damn! How lovely it woulda been to be in attendance!
(i guess that's what happens when one lives 3k miles away, huh?)
I feel you on the shy thing. I have little tricks to getting around my social anxiety, but it only works if I know a majority of the folks in attendance. I was hella awkward that night, cuz I was exhausted and didn't feel much like hosting.
You know what (pondering look on my face)...
I've found that the more I forgive myself for being shy, the more I don't really give a damn about how awkward I may seem, and the less awkward people actually think I am. Weird...
@silverfish-thanks
@thisbrowngirl- i like your blog- i might just have to add you.
@pheonix-i'm going to hire fruitfly as my personal spokesperson. It just sounds better coming from her. As socially ackward as i am in atlanta- when i leave atl-i know already im going to miss those atl gettogethers. Even on a small level.
@Gmpoet-I think i scared Ndelea. If you were ackward, i couldnt tell. And though i prolly didnt say too much to anybody- i had a great time.
I'm thankful that you gave me a second chance because i think you were one of the people i gave a horrible first impression. In fact- i think you were the first.
your post made me giggle :).
i'm somewhat antisocial but i have figured out a way to look like i'm not in social gatherings. my secret is to help the hostess as much as possible. i keep myself busy making others feel comfortable so they won't notice that i'm uncomfortable. oy! maybe i gave up on therapy too soon LOL.
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