The Story of my Life

Hard words came through my mail today...some of yall know- most of you don't. I was shaking, could barely walk, wanted to scream.

Dug myself into a hole again, too deep, too deep.

gripping the sides of sheer walls, im a master climber- my coach nicknamed me the comeback kid. I wonder if im strong enough to do it again.

Its time to take my shovel back out my closet. Do what i do best.

Down but not out.

Because pics are worth a thousand words

Papa and I went fishing yesterday. Actually my dad went fishing-i just posed with all the fish he caught). It was lovely, a day in the lake waiting for innocent fish to bite the rigged worm. I was hoping it would get hot out so that i could jump into the lake but the weather was breezy. No such luck.



When I was little, i asked my dad why he didnt go to church and he said that nature was his church. I didnt understand that until much later but it makes sense now.

Lets hear it for the boys!

The boys and I all hot and bothered after a long day of partying. See y'all- its their fault i dance like a gay dude! Damn i miss the old crew :( .

Sometimes I just like to watch-maybe we all do. sometimes I wish people could see what i saw, not necessarily the way i see it, but just some of the same things.

I'm sick of the dichotomy. The 'either or'. Making enemies of decent people for the sake of making yourself seem right or feel better. Demonizing others never worked for me- left me empty.

So many things make me feel empty but luckily small things seem to fill me up. smiles and hugs, oceans and puddles. Mountains and anthills. People who are trying there very best. Warmth. Its all so wholesome.

They say nothing matters to me, but they really do. Don't be fooled by my non chalantness. And true- most things dont phase me, i dont really notice somethings but i do pay attention.

I see what i want to see

The San Francisco Treat

Greetings from San Francisco (and no the Asian chick in the picture is not me)

So yesterday Sprint PCS decided that i had been using my phone entirely too much so they cut me off. There is nothing more embarrasing than having your phone cut off, and why im putting this on my blog- i have yet to figure out. (please note this blog will probably be deleted once i get my senses back). They sent me a text message that said something along the lines "Your service has been turned off until further payment" at 6:30 pm- long after i could get to a bank and withdraw some money to pay it off. In fact i was enjoying a nice trolly ride into fishermans wharf when i got that devil text.

So stuck without a phone i imagined evreyone and they're mama trying to call me. I mean people know better than to blow up my phone- and we've established a while ago in my old Xanga blog that i'm not a phone person. But still i was anxious that i would not have my service back until the next morning when my bank would be open. Then the thought of that message people get when they try to call your phone "The person you are trying to reach is unavailable" they cant even leave a message.

oh they joy.

This morning i woke up extra early , walked through the fog to my bank- paid my bill off and 20 minutes later i had service again.

I have never been so happy to hear my phone ring
-alii

There isnt much to say today

I guess i need some inspiration.

Maybe ill ride into the city and go to the highest hill to take pics. Get lost on purpose. I seem to be good at that.

I miss her/you/ smiles at 801

alii

I'm a tree!

(Because trees where blue jeans and white tank tops)

Yesterday I grudginly woke up and attended church. I love my church but sometimes the minister gets a little long winded and i usually depart long before church ends. (Yeah thats me- leaving right before the offering-2 fingers up like a playa).

blah blah blah- we did this and that

Then we drove to Muir Beach which is on the other side of the bay. I had never been there and neither did i know how to get there but it was okay. My lovely directions landed us atop the golden gate bridge overlooking the bay. Angel and L wanted to beat the shit out of me because this was not where we were supposed to be going and here i am whipping out camera and making them do absurd poses. Hehehehehehe. I don't believe in getting lost- just taking scenic routes nowhere near where were suppsoed to be going. (Remember guys- no power to coincidences?...How soon we forget.)

So once we re-oriented ourselves we first went to the beach. Wanted to go skinny dipping but there were too many people on the beach. Its been a while since i had been to the beach. So after napping, i ripped my clothes off (i had a bathing suit)and ran into the ocean like a 5 year old. I chased the waves, going deeper and deeper until the water was to my chest. IT FELT SO GOOD. The ocean moves-its alive, thats the best way i can explain it.

Afterwards we headed to the woods. Saw redwood trees that have been there since 800 A.D. Redwoods are amoung the oldest trees and redwood forests are unique in that their roots are interconnected. I can go into why that shit is deep but i wont...just contemplate it for a second and go read the rest of the blogs on your circuit.

Had an amazing day-went to bed.

I woke up- did some errands, hung out with ms. L- got some pizza. and now im here.

until later

alii

I like

I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE....

(just wanted to share that with y'all) ;-)

The man next to me in this computer lab cannot read

he keeps pretending that he can then he'll turn and whisper to me...exciuse me- but can u read this for me?" I feel for him- and hes looking for a job. Well at least hes trying- and like my mom says- "you dont have to be perfect as long as you keep trying". Peoples efforts impress me more than anything.

I miss working in the Public library, even the crazy people who would come in and tell me all about a book they read 30 years ago everytime they see me. I'm not a kid person, but i miss them too, the way they bring their books in and peep through the book drop.

There was something consitstant about the crazy personalities. They were the constant. I came back and a city bus driver said 'hey alii, havnt seen you in awhile'- i told him i was off in college and he said"oh you gettin all smart now?". I laughed and he let me ride for free. Homeless people remember me, flea market vendors remember me, and even old, old communty college classmates remember me.

They pop up in the middle of the day when im feeling the most unsociable and remind me that i used to live here, that i was temporarily a part of this city, even though i tend to bad mouth it.

But most of all they remind me that i matter, and as different as i may think i am, it may not be a bad thing...

So i got part 2/3 of my root canal done, im seriously contemplating getting a silver tooth, plus i htink theyre cheaper.

I wrote one of my friends today, i hope we'll still be friends later

I really want to get back to Atlanta, or do something.

I'm seriously about to go broke- to the point where i wont be eating for a few weeks.

I think im going to run lake merritt today- to pretend like i actually stay in shape...Okay okay, i just like looknig at the girls running around the lake.

Maybe i might naswer my pohne before *gasp* my free minutes kick in

Can u tell i have nothing to do?

?

Alii

Alii was not born to fly!

I HATE PLANES.

Few things scare the shit out of me but a plane will do it. They say that planes are safer than cars but ive been in a car accident-a real serious one at that. But im still alive. I don't believe in Plane 'accidents'-

First we arrive at long beach airports. The airport is like in themiddle of the street. The plane runaways/yard is surrounded by a chainlink fence thats was so tore up we could have just walked right through it. Clark Atlanta has a better gate, even with those huge gaping holes that we climb through to get to woodruff on the weekends. So this airport has all of like 4 airlines all crammed into one half terminal. The baggage claim is outside under this circus tent . To get to airline, you then walk outside then back inside to scan your stuff.

Usually before i fly- i get drunk as all hell to alleviate my anxienty. But no not here. They had a snack table- you know- like a friggin bake sale. Cookies in a basket kinda thing. I then waited for my plane to board. Not in one of those extendible corriders thing, but we walked halfway across the yard, following some cones and up the side of the plane.

I shoulda known the drama was over.

Why when we walked on the plane were thre no lights? Hellll no.

Meanwhile the lights started flikkering as he started up the engine. He announed that there were some mechanical errors that needed to be taken care of so there would be a slight delay. I'm like- well shit- i can go tomorrow. So a gang load of mechanics entered the plane and started
hammering. I'm about to pass out. Soon he starts the engine and were cleared for landing.

Of course the plane was making this strange noise as we were ascending. I'm looking at the flight attendants looking for some sign that that shit is normal because it didnt sound normal. We finally reached cruising altitude- 33000 feet. It wsa jetblue so we had some TV's to look at. And just as we get somewhat comfortable- a big news flash comes across the screen.

An altitude 7.2 Earthquake has just hit northern California- Tsunami warning set for the entire coast of california.

The woman next to me started screaming bloody murder. I put my arms on her an assured her it was going to be okay- despite the fact that i didnt think so. She started crying saying that when we landed -a big wave wwas going to sweep the plane into the water. I held her hand for 15 minutes as we landed. Its a sketchy landing- especially at night becuase its right above the water and you cant really see anything.

I love the ground. I love when the plane hits the ground. Its the most sturdy feeling in the world to me. some people are water people, some love to fly...but me?

I love the ground

A Picture Share!

A Picture Share!

Long beach airport. Most ghetto airport i have ever been to

Is it time to go already?

I feel like i just got here!!! Just yesterday i was typing and crying about my grandmother and now im going back north. Leaving her here. I feel a little selfish, not sure shes well enough to be independant quite yet. Shell have my mother and grandfather here but im still feel like i need to be here with her. I'm going to miss cooking and cleaning for her, spending time watching showtime at the apollo on TV one. But i have to go back and get the rest of this tooth taken care of.

Alysia left her cozy surroundings and drove 2 hours to see me. I feel really special, that same feeling that i get when im surprised people want to hang out with me or enjoy my company. I guess years of not having very many friends somehow convinced me that im too strange or too something to really be liked, or at least accepted. Part of the reason that im so antisocial, is i just assume from the jump that the other person wont want to have anything to do with me.

(I dont make good first impressions...but i usually get it together by the third or fourth...just ask tiona or better yet..angel)

i got to spelman and met all these other strange black women-i think were magnetic or something because two days into the school year, i got sucked into a table full of them.

or maybe game recognize game

but back to beautiful alysia(see pic) -my twin with everything in common yet nothing alike-she scooped me up, we ate at the del taco near my house, spent the day at her best friend from high school's apt. Watched michael and went back home.

late into the evening- after calling hours, my no-reception-havin phone decided to send my voicemail messages that it had been collecting during the day yet didnt bother to tell me. I missed like 8 calls and 6 messages.

But i got a lovely message from ms. KW. So nice that i actually saved it and listened to it again.

Time to pack..im missing people already...

AG

Straight Outta Compton!!!!!

A.A.B. and A.A.G. posing with a tree...clearly were happy because of michael...

How ya like me now?

If youre reading this- it means you found me---or at least are on friendster. Hopefully this will stop random family members from calling and telling me i need to keep my business to myself.

and maybe i do

but hopefully this will keep a few of them off.

thanks for finding me

alii

Maybe your grandmother is one

Sometimes its nice just being a fly on the wall. Live in other peoples worlds for a few moments. Let your own differences teach you a few lessons. Today I attended a senior citizen social event for my grandmother. I was the youngest person there by about 25 years feeling a litle out of place. It was a beautiful affair, older black women decked out in their purple and red. And the hats...the hats

Oh I love hats. Especially big church hats that look like plates. My fascination with hats began in church. Our sunday school teacher used to make them. Once in vacation bible school(yeah im taking yall back there and if you don't know about vacation bible school, dont ask) we made our own hats. I made a black hat with electri blue ribbon and some glitter(shut up i was 6) for my grandmother. she wore that tackiness on her head the next sunday and still has it ot this day. But those hats.

But today it was different. I appreciated being in these womens presence. The Compton chapter of the Red Hatters. Listening to speeches about getting old and maintaining integrity as grandparents, i learned a little about my own grandparents. It was just a different experience. Just watch and learn...

Black women are too beautiful

-alii

A Picture Share!

80 year old women doing the cha cha slide never gets old

Lost Angeles

If youre from the bay, you develop this absolute disgust of anything coming out of Los Angeles. Its strange sometimes to even remeber that were in the same state.I'm not a fan myself...too plastic, too fake, too big. The energy here is so off to me...cant quite connect with it. It makes me miss the bay even more...but im glad im here,

In my boston middle school, I took home economics. THough i thought the class was outdated as i was taking it, i wish i had paid better attention. In our home ec course, we learned how to cook easy meals, set tables, write proper etiquette cards. use a sewing machine...all this stuff is coming back in handy. I was not informed before my arrival here that i was going to be a nurse. That i would cook 3 square diabetic friendly meals, insulin shots, take blood pressure, bathe her and dish out roughly 10 different pills a day. Neither was i expecting to play secretary for the 15-20 people who call here everyday, giving updates on my grandmothers condition... Though its tiring, I'm glad im here.

So its just me and my grandmother, my grandfather is out running errands and who knows where my mother is...prolly out painting the town red...literally.

Through it all, i realize the many people who care. Old ladies in the neighborhood come by in their walkers and sit on the couch. They ask me about school, in the same way they asked me when i was in kindergarten. "You like school, what grade are you in?". "Boy you look so much like youre mother" "How do u like those morehouse guys?"... I like listening to their conversations about getting old and things not working right...comparing medications and tips for drawing blood for a diabetic reading or whats a good substitute for the foods she can no longer eat. Theres that old wisdom, the kind that only old people really have. Shameless advice, blunt and straight forward. Its a tough situation but the laughter keeps me going.

I'm missing people, my phone doesnt get good reception here so i can barely talk to people. But its okay- i still have my grandmother to keep me company. And im blessed.

well im off to think of another saltless, low fat, unprocessed meal that encompasses 4 food groups that has some taste to it...if you have any suggestions/recipes-let me know. I'm all ears...

-alii

After a long silent night . I woke up just in time to hear my grandmother at the kitchen table ask my mother"Wheres my granddaughter? Shes not going to eat with me?" Just hearing her say that made my day, knowing that she wanted me there. I rushed out my bed and bolted to the table.

Thiings are getting a little better. Today we clowned each other about everything. I told her about Spelman and its old fashioned visitation rules. Read get well cards and watched cosby and steve harvey.Talked about my new friends. Just being the all around sarcastic smart ass that i usually am. (Because shes the only one in the family who puts up with my mouth).

It was nice- shes coming back, my grandmother is coming back!!!

By the way i had part 1 of 3 of my root canal. Goodbye applesauce, hello steak :)

-alii

home?

I just made it to another home of mine. I've noticed that lately i've been hiding out at friends houses, dorm rooms, not wanting to go home. Its really sad, i need to get my own life and stop hiding from my own.

Today my mother and I drove to LA. Its a trip ive made many time over the years, traveling through the windmills, the golden mountains, along the coast. I was headed to yet another home, the home i had from when I was 2-7 years old, before i moved to cold cold boston. My memories of LA are happy, I lived wiht my grandparents, they took care of everything i needed. I would come home in my blue and white uniform, roller skate in the street, get my hair washed and pressed on saturdays and sit through long boring sermons on sunday. Then on monday it began again. I was a happy child-good memories from this house. I never really had many friends-i was kinda strange and ackward. Especially for a black girl. But this house seemed stable, maybe the only time in my life where my life seemed stable...and now this house is starting to shift.

My grandmother is sick. I think shes dying. Its hard to type that but its what i feel. She had surgery last week-i didnt realize how severly ill she was- no one wanted to tell me. I walked into the house today- excited to see her, expecting her to seem somewhat happy to see me. (Is that being selfish?). the same woman who used to open the door with a smile and greet me with a hug, just sat in her chair, didnt even acknowledge me. I wanted to run out of the room- go back outside and reopen the door and try again.

Its so different now- its so different and I'm scared.

Strung out on painkillers she can barely walk. She isnt who she used to be. I don't like this woman- but i know she cant help it. I just want her to get out the house- i want my old grandmother back. but i dont think shes coming back. and i guess im supposed to live with that.

Theres no where to go here- I feel trapped for the next few days. I cant drive, cant even really go outside. The neighborhood belongs to the Crips, kids dont play outside anymore. Even the grass is afraid to grow. we used to play helicopters when we were kids. Swinging a rope around and jumping over it. Back then it was a game...

And in the end- its all about me, and i feel im selfish for not wanting to be here, Not wanting to be with this woman masquerading as grandmother. I'm not the only one that misses her, and i know this. No one talks about it. I asked my aunt how long she was going to be on this medication...she replied "Hows Spelman?".

My mother and I are sharing a room. I'm scared shell hear me cry- even more scared that ill hear her cry.

I just want to go back home???

No power to coinkidinks

and im sure i just spelled that wrong but whateva.

Yesterday I went to church, i usually make it every 6 weeks or so but this time I was joined by L and Angel. It was nice and a little strange to sit in church with these two women by my side. I usually occupy the back seat, enjoying the anonimity and the convienceof leaving when the pastor starts talking...

Okay so i'm not exactly a holy roller, but being with these two- I realized thiswas the first time I've been to church with friends.

The sermon was particularly timing, basically she reminded us that there really arent coincidences in the creators divine order. And yes ive heard that sermon a million times but yesterday it particularly resonated with me.

Lately I have been trying to be a little more social. I've been called out rather frequently on my antisocial behavior so im trying to change it. Its a slow process but its coming together. After church yesterday, as I was wating for my friend, I met a young woman named Savannah who was visiting the church for the first time. After talking for 15 minutes we decided to meet up in Berkeley at a Thai Buddhist Temple for brunch. About an hour later, we all set on the lawn of the South Branch Library. Angel, L and Nicole; Christine and Alex(my friends from the bay) and Savannah, Isadora and Mike, who I didnt know. It was a strange feeling, I felt like Atlanta, Spelman, Merritt college, the Bay Area, my old friends, meeting my new friends in the comapny of 3 people we had just met. It worked out, everyone enjoyed themselves and afterwards most of us went to the flea market.

The intensity of the day, it was strong. Angel and I retreated to the top of Berkeley to see the view of the bay. It was peaceful and quiet, we both just sat and listened to the wind. Afterwards we drove some more around the bay, giving angel a tour of the bay, we went all to east oakland before turning around and going to a jazz concert. We left that and made the trip to Santa clara.

This weekend has been interesting. Taking Angel around the Bay and San Francisco has reminded me of how beautiful this area is. In a way i feel like a tourist in my own backyard. ITs been very surreal.

well ill end it at that- this weekend has proved to be a welcome break from my routine of laying in my bed.

alii

Another mobile shot for your amusement

Me at a beach in santa cruz. And yes those are clips in my hair (shutup and quit laughing)...

By the way

Angel came up with the two I's in my name...(or so she thinks)

To be Young, Gifted and Black

I'm realizing the reality of my life anf the life of my friends and the countless other blackwomen who i would probasbly be friends with if i met them. And i guess with some of the black women whom i probably not associate with all.

Beautiful black women- the reason i came to Spelman despite my coaches trying to convince me to go to s Div 1 or Div 2 and continue running. I needed more black women in my life. Figured Spelman would be a goodstart.

Moving to Atlanta i have met some of the most beautiful, talented, wonderful 'I'm-at-a-loss-for-words- to describe them. There are 11 people on this blog, all black women. Students, grad students(yeah yall are seperate), artists, filmakers, activists, wordsmiths; most have more than one title. And though some of them don't live in Atlanta i.e summer, they are still much a part of my life. The subtle ways in which things dont have to be explained, frustrations are understood, in certain spaces, your true self can really emerge. And we are all more powerful than we imagine ourselves to be.

People are moving, most recently my friend took the dive and decided to drive out here to the East bay. Knowing two people, myself and her cousin, she drove 3000 miles out here on talent, belief in her own ability and a lot of faith. As much as i love my home in the bay, I worried about her coming out here. Its a beautiful area but not one thats always welcoming to black women. And after she called me to tell me that she had made it here, I found myself praying(something i dont often do), God will take care of her. After all, this same girl proved to be a godsend in her own right when i moved to atlanta knowing all of two people.

We made it to San Francisco, sight of her new job. her enthusiasm of the city took me back to a place where going to a big city was exciting. I've been to San francisco many times, i forget thesheer beauty of the first time you see the golden gate bridge. I smiled inisde, slowed down and just watched. Still a part of me was sad, resisting the urge to be a kill joy that i sometimes am. After being in Atlanta, you become accustomed to black people everwhere, all day every day. Going to San franciscco, my people were noticable absent.

And just as soon as I began to believe things might be okay, we walked into a store. My friend impeccably dressed and me- (well i cant dress, but thats another issue.) A store of old white men and barely full. We both walked in, got that ackward feeling of "clearly yall arent goin to buy anything so we'll go ahead and say hello, so there wont be any racist lawsuits against this store" kinda vibe. Except my friend worked at this store before, knows it through and through. She talked to someone working in the store, he fell in love with my friend. Kept trying to get her to work there, saw talent before his eyes. As quickly as he was excited, madam cockblock regional manager walked in, took a look at my friend and all of a sudden- the job just went away. Just like that- it turned into some" we'll put your application here on file, and let you know when something is available".

Nothing brings you to reality like being judged on some shit like your skin color, gender, etc.. To be told directly or indirectly that your incapable of doing something thatsomeone else(ie, a white male) can do, even if he hasnt been trained in that posititon. I tried to picture this same friend, white and middle aged not dressed nearly half as well as my friend(because face it, few people can wear a brooks brothers tie quite like my friend) and quite possibly leaving with a job.

I know we already know this. THIS SHIT IS FUCKED UP. And its not just my friend, its my friends all over the place that i see working sooo hard just to get the respect they deserve. Its aggravating and just so difficult.

As for my friend...I still have hope. I know she can do it, its all there inside of her. Its a matter of forcing people to give her a chance. And her work has to be real loud, you know. Shes going to have to be bullheaded. But i know she can do it. Who said that the bay area reality had to be her reality. she can make it what she wants...but damn, why does it have to be so difficult?

Such incedible friends, sometimes i forget how talented my friends are. Too busy being friends and i realize that they have this other magic life doing sometihing, making waves, its so crazy.

Geminis

I love geminis...though there are entirely too many as evident by the 10 cupcakes lines up beneath my friends profiles on friendster. Or maybe because i'm an aquarian that supposedly we get along.

And though im a skeptic when it comes to horoscopes, it doesnt stop me from yelling 'read my horoscope" as soon as someone picks up a news paper.

I have one friend in particular- shes turning 22 today. Shes probably the best friend someone could ever ask for. And though we are nothing alike,

at all

and sometimes i'm not entirely sure why were friends.
I'm glad we are. Because its good to have people in your life who you can be yourself around, even when you don't even know who you are. Its good to have friends that pretend you make sense- even when you don't.

I'm blessed and lucky to have her as a friend...

So happy birthday girl..Even if youre a shifty ass gemini(i know you cant help it :))

-alii

A Picture Share!

Angel in the City

Over the river and through the woods

Despite my constant belittling of my locks, most people like to lie and tell me that theyre nice.


Everybody, that is, except my grandmother who likens my hair to a rat picked grass field.

Of course after a semester away at spelman and coming into myself, I visited this woman to catch up and get the advice only an 81 year old New Orleans bred grandmother can give.

Here are a few highlights from our conversation

"damn you got some skinny legs, just like me"
"you stillll havnt cut that mess out your hair? Oh i dont like dread locks, whats wrong with braids"
"You walk like a duck- just like your father"
"Why don't you have a boyfriend? I bet if you cut that mess out your hair you'd be married"
"You always have so much clothes on, show a little skin"
"I cant stand loud choirs at church, thats why i have these (pulls out earplus)"
"Oh I don't go to that church anymore- the pastor- i think he's fruity"
"What do they feed you over there at that college you go to? Air?"
"I should call over there and tell them to put some extra food on your plate because youre so skinny the teacher probably mark you as absent"

She then gave me some advice about sex
"Get some b4 you lose it"
"Sex calms people down"
"Some girls are just hot in the ass- they need some"
"I hope you arent still a virgin"

After a 3 hour beat down of all my dreams and aspirations she turns and asks

"Why dont you ever call me?"

I love my grandmother

lol

I love her so much

-alii

Dr. Desoto

"Do you remeber that childhood book about the dentist mouse that operated on foxes-I think it was called Dr. Desoto but i dont remember"

Nothing makes you lose weight faster than not being able to eat. After someone commented on my last blogged i weighed myself and realized i have dropped like 7 lbs. I finally made it to the dentist this morning(thanks to Moya who called at 8 am to remind me) and heard those fatal two words...

Root Canal.

I always heard that the root canal is like the holy grail of painful dentistry. Whenever someone is trying to calm me down they usually say something like "well its not like a root canal or anything", which is akin to "This isn't brain surgery". But now im going to have one on my top left tooth number 14 (the wannabe molar tooth right before your real molars start). I'm happy that i can finally be able to eat somewhat normally. Though this is keeping me in the bay an extra two weeks...

That 'procedure' will be going down tuesday at 8am. Send your good energy and thoughts....

Speaking of maladies. While peacefully sleeping in my bed, I was malaciously attacked by some bug that has left about 10 bites on my stomach. they itch like a mothafucka. And i plan an all out raid in my room to bring this bug to justice.

Other annoyances in my life besides root canals and mosquito bites?

That friggin R. Kelly song thats like an hour long and keeps getting longer....


the closet, the closet, the closet

--alii

A Picture Share!

Oakland fox theatre

A Picture Share!

Me at my old college that overlooks the bay