home?

I just made it to another home of mine. I've noticed that lately i've been hiding out at friends houses, dorm rooms, not wanting to go home. Its really sad, i need to get my own life and stop hiding from my own.

Today my mother and I drove to LA. Its a trip ive made many time over the years, traveling through the windmills, the golden mountains, along the coast. I was headed to yet another home, the home i had from when I was 2-7 years old, before i moved to cold cold boston. My memories of LA are happy, I lived wiht my grandparents, they took care of everything i needed. I would come home in my blue and white uniform, roller skate in the street, get my hair washed and pressed on saturdays and sit through long boring sermons on sunday. Then on monday it began again. I was a happy child-good memories from this house. I never really had many friends-i was kinda strange and ackward. Especially for a black girl. But this house seemed stable, maybe the only time in my life where my life seemed stable...and now this house is starting to shift.

My grandmother is sick. I think shes dying. Its hard to type that but its what i feel. She had surgery last week-i didnt realize how severly ill she was- no one wanted to tell me. I walked into the house today- excited to see her, expecting her to seem somewhat happy to see me. (Is that being selfish?). the same woman who used to open the door with a smile and greet me with a hug, just sat in her chair, didnt even acknowledge me. I wanted to run out of the room- go back outside and reopen the door and try again.

Its so different now- its so different and I'm scared.

Strung out on painkillers she can barely walk. She isnt who she used to be. I don't like this woman- but i know she cant help it. I just want her to get out the house- i want my old grandmother back. but i dont think shes coming back. and i guess im supposed to live with that.

Theres no where to go here- I feel trapped for the next few days. I cant drive, cant even really go outside. The neighborhood belongs to the Crips, kids dont play outside anymore. Even the grass is afraid to grow. we used to play helicopters when we were kids. Swinging a rope around and jumping over it. Back then it was a game...

And in the end- its all about me, and i feel im selfish for not wanting to be here, Not wanting to be with this woman masquerading as grandmother. I'm not the only one that misses her, and i know this. No one talks about it. I asked my aunt how long she was going to be on this medication...she replied "Hows Spelman?".

My mother and I are sharing a room. I'm scared shell hear me cry- even more scared that ill hear her cry.

I just want to go back home???