i find it hard to say

Christmas was lovely- enjoyed spending time with my family. My family flew me out here for the holidays (and the warm weather). I made it up to the bay to see my dad, aunt, cousins and sisters. I saw some old friends, hung out- etc. Didnt get enough time, but i saw everybody, including christine who just came back from brazil. Greyhounded back to LA at 4am Christmas morning...

Ive been talking to a lot of my friends lately.. They tell me things and im not entirely sure how to respond. People tell me i'm a good listener but i wonder whether its because i dont know what to say back. Pregnancy, rape, a friends brother just committed suicide. What the hell am i 'supposed to say to that? Sorry? Hope things get better? I'm here for you?

Its been bothering me a lot lately. Frustrated that i can't find anything decent to say. Sure they say' oh listening helps' but do they really mean it? Does me sitting on the other end of the phone line with an occasional 'uh huh' really help? I don't offer advice, my cynicism doesnt exactly drip with optimism and then theres silence..

"Alii what should i do??"

I don't know what you should do. I don't know what i should do. I have never been pregnant, my brother has never commited suicide, hell- ive never even had a brother. Since i believe that everything works in relativity, i try to relate, but im still coming up short here... Ive never been one to talk about my own problems-my blog just covers the surface. I cant understand how telling someone what im dealing with would potentially help me feel better. Maybe its becausei dont really try. I just assume no one would understand- so why bother?

And then its back to the phone. I offer hugs and kisses and a sarcastic remark to ease the tension a little. But i just dont think its enough. So perhaps in this new year i can become a better listener and perhaps a better responder. Really speak from my heart. I dont have the answers but im trying my best...

alii