Silent Night

So im an insomniac. There are nights that i just stare at the ceiling wishing some sleep goddess would just whisk me away. There are medicines i see advertised but i dont want some drug induced sleep, or a tranquilizer, i want to just be able to close my eyes and sleep.

Is that too much to ask?

Sure drinking helps, but i dont want to turn into an alcoholic in the name of sleep. Because first it will be sleep, then it will be drinking to numb other areas of life. So i stay away from the bottle at night time.

My house is really quiet at night- i hate quiet nights. I need noise to distract me from my thoughts. Otherwise ill think about things i dont want to think about. Or maybe reality sets in. And with reality comes frustration, fear and stress about circumstances im tired of dealing with.

Theres got to be a way to deal with it, i havnt figured it out yet but im trying.

-alii

Blues for an Alabama Sky*

So for about a month now- I've been bouncing around waiting to go to Alabama. My friend Dorothella invited me(well i sorta invited myself). So curious was i about the state next door to Georgia. And besides a trip to Louisiana for a family reunion and LaGrange Georgia, I have never seen much of the South.
I told people I was going to Alabama-was met by a lot of confused faces'why would you want to go there?" they asked' ain't nothing there'. Well everything is something, especially if its something i've never seen before.. Besides, cities kinda look monotamous after awhile.
We paacked in the car and drove along the tennessee border until we reached Madison county. A few hours and a bunch of cotton fields later, we reached Dorothella's beautiful country home sitting on 5 acres of land. She has a beautiful family that kept me cozy and laughing at the same time. My only wish was that it wasnt so cold out...I took a few pictures- took eeven more in my head. I wonder if i could live somewhere that rural-it was so peaceful.
I ate well- the dogs cheered me up with their energetic selves. Spent an hour trying to get them to learn how to play catch, even though whenever i'd attempt to throw something, they usually just watched me with that 'why-the-hell-does-she-keep-throwing-that-damn-stick-in-the-air' look. They did give me a tour of the yard though...



Now im back to atlanta, that big Alabama sky is just a faint memory, back to the West End and Spelman...



*play by Pearle Cleage

stretch

right now i just want to soak in a warm spring. relax my crippled knees. dream about running-

who knew that i would miss it so much...

"fake meat is like tofu in blackface"
thats what i told moya as she scooped me up a delicious heap of fake meat sloppy joe. Earlier she had sent me to the publix to buy some hamburger buns and by the time i returned to her house, my cynical tummy was eagerly anticipating a meal...even with fake meat. Lately i have begun to notice that my carniverous friends are few and far between and by hanging around so many vegetarians- i have begun cohorting with the enemy.

OK- so perhaps im being dramatic. I just had a conversation with summer where i found myself sounding like a 12 year old unable to rationalize what the hell i was trying to say. And when i did finally say something- i think it left her puzzled over my maturity....i dont blame her

Yesterday was Harry Potter. I confess i have never read any of the books and have only seen one of the movies. Out of a need to lighten my usually pessimistic disposition, i magic markered a lightning bolt on my forehead and wore it to the theatre. Is this denial that i am turning 23 in January...?


Went to CVS, yearned for Xmas- i guess having a house makes me want to decorate for a holiday i usually despise. Never mind that its been 15 years since my mother put a christmas tree in our house,, never mind that my roomate is muslim and is somewhat indifferent to the idea of having a wreath hanging on our west end glass door. I think my house is just asking to be decorated in gawdy green and red, i have some notion that it might make me feel better. Or the reality that i probably wont be able to go home for xmas.

I have put away my passions for quilts-i miss making them from the first one i made in home ec in the 7th grade. I remember trudging through the boston snow to buy fabrics in our town square, picking fanciful designs and mixing snow flakes with desert motifs. I don't have as much time as i used to, i miss making them. When im cold, i want to reach for a blanket i have created from my own imagination. The weather is cold and the chilly air and smell of chimney smoke in my neighborhood reminds me that i have not reutned home to boston in years. I keep saying i'll go back- but when i do-what will i remember of who i am?

Quilts, Quilts- i shall make a quilt for winter- and shall make it for someone i love or someone who needs some warmth in this sometimes cold cold world...

-alii

So u try to hate people

and the world

but then someone turns around and does something nice...

like yesterday- unable to see and end to my money situation, i tried to drop out of school. Unfortunately- my job is right across from the womens center which holds a panoramic view of the archives. During class- she sees me go in there , comes running out the class she was teaching and comes into the archives asking why im not in class. Well Dr. Kuumba, i had to drop out...
Dr K: um no you arent- ,we'll work something out- your supposed to be in class

My boss just laughed as i hung my head and headed back to class...

cant say i didnt try

Ndelea and Jocelyn had me over and cooked a fabulous dinner last night. Have you ever thought you knew how to cook until someone cooks for you?Then youre embarrassed to have them over to eat? I would like to revisit that menu
It was a 4 piece dinner served restaurant style

starting with:
a sweet potatoe& curry soup that included cocunut milk and spinach
a tomato sliced with fresh mozzerella sprinkled with balsamic vinegretta(i think)
warm sourdough bread with butter and/or olive oil
main entree was shrimp pasta...
Oh and if that wasnt enough- key lime pie for dinner

There was wine and white zinfindel but i cant drink wine...long story. So i had mango and orange juice.

So u know i went there expecting spaghetti and maybe some salad- i was not expecting this treat. I mean goddamn- do people really cook like this? IT WAS SO GODDAMN GOOD- i think i was in a state of shock...

I think i need to purchase some more cook books

alii

sure ive been told

but sometimes you just gotta believe it for yourself.

After a rough day of yelling and running into brick walls, i had a near break down in the middle of the cosby building. Just when i though i couldnt take it anymore-out of nowhere A little 4'11 locked angel named Dr. McFadden popped up and demanded that i join her for lunch.
Walking back to her visitors suite on campus in the bottom of johnnetta b. cole, we talked about a son she had lost last year in Boston Childrens hospital- the same hospital i stayed in and spent time playing with my recovering sister. We talked about Zimbabwe, a political system that i have yet to understand. Battery chickens and the west end goodwill

Sure i hate tofu and i hate salads, but i cleaned my plate, and it was good. Made me a believer in veganism. and fresh green tea.

I left there with a smile on my face and a new peace that helped me get through the rest of the days as a sane woman.

I stopped back in yvonnes office(another aquarian) and smiled at the little token of love she had left me-a free lunch ticket.

Sure ive been told the womens center is spelmans best dept.- but now i believe it way down in my heart. Didnt know i had an extra family looking out for me..
alii

walking on broken glass

it sucks being poor-

I tapped all my wells dry and my money(3 paychecks) is tied up at spelman.

yesterday i decided to do something ive never done before-apply for food stamps.

And there i was- yesterday in the bankhead welfare office- knocking on the glass window to protect the social workers from the vicious poor people. I had eveerything- my rent, electric bill, gas bill- and thats not even covering my phone bill. She looked at me and wrote- FS and shouted through the window- "how much is your rent baby?". Sent me to another room across the hall where i nervously twitched my feet. 45 minutes later- sitting across a big blue sign that said "all work is honorable, work first" i was called back up- she looked at me and told me to come back wednesday at 10:30.

Ive been in places like that. Planned parenthood,Dept. human services to get my shots. medicaid office when i was younger. Ive been to much better places. My life is some schizophrenic mix of being dirt poor but upper middle class. I think im supposed to be learning something from this.and i am.

The good news though is that my boss is back so my money can finally come back-
the bad news is that it will be awhile before i will get paid- another 15 days or so.
And i got another little side gig at spelman- working for one of the Cosby chairs that should give me something extra- hopefully enough to fly home to cali for christmas- or at least to boston.

in the meantime- back on the grind. But no worries- everything will be okay.

"how i learned gymnastics" or 'I finally got a bed'

Thanks to alysia and amber who have finally bought my bed saga to an end.




I love it- its perfect- even if i dont have a frame for it

Thanks you, thank you, thank you

Sock it to me

GODDAMN ITS COLD OUT HERE!!!!

I just bought 12 pairs of socks for 5.00 from the sock truck on Lee St. I was later informed that there was a sock truck on Lowery Blvd. that were selling 30 pairs for 10 dollars. I feel a little jipped. I have yet to master the art of washing my socks and them making it out of the washer in pairs. Anyone who knows me knows that i generally wear two different socks at once anyway. I like to think of my socks as polyamorous, they don't like staying in the same relationship so they mate with others. Sound familiar???

So i tried to counter this problem by buying 6 pairs of whites and 6 pairs of black socks. Today my socks are in an interracial relationship
sound familiar??

They also sale drawes, hats , ''A' shirts, White Tee, boxers for real cheap too, $.75 a pop.

...can you tell i'm bored??

i cant wait for friday, when ill be leaving for my little mini vacation to Virginia. I'll take plenty o'pictures so that you can have another boring photo blog entry with no words.

take care,
alii

That Time of Year again

Anyway please excuse the pictures, my camera was cuttin up...

A ball of positivity rolled our way when they indomitable teresa made a comeback.


My boy(middle) from the boston days (and part of the reason i came to spelman )who will graduate in a month...tear.


Back to back negroes- as far as the eye could see.


A whole lotta dancing by the young


and old


line for the step show was completely insane



but it was a beautiful step show none the less.




The Deltas won the stepshow, the Sigmas should have won. AKA's got second with all their stomping and hair tossing. Watching boys put on wigs and dance to golddigger and kryptonite doing the laffy taffy dance was too much for me to handle.

All in all it was cool.Im glad i went

peace.

All Gods Creatures Great and Small

Wednesday i came home, there was only one dog. And when hafeeza walked in, the look on her face said it all. It wasnt a surprise, after 15 years of life complicated by arthritis, cancer and glaucoma, it was perhaps his time to go..

Oh but how ill miss him.

He was a big dog- weighed about 130lbs. Gentle giant Rottweiler with a low rumbling old-dog bark that would shake the house. A grandfather dog, his arthritis limited his movement but he tried his best to be the dog he once was. Days in the house it was just me and the dog. He sat and watched as i read 'for colored girls' aloud, first watching intently, then yawning, and by the time i proclaimed "I found God in myself and I loved her-- I loved her fiercely", i turned around and he was asleep.

When i screamed bloody murder as a giant flying cockroach flew through the window, he slowly hobbled to my defense, barking at the bug but unable to chase it. But he tried, and thats all that mattered.

I'm going to miss big blackie. Sliding acroos the floor to rest his huge self on my feet. Watching through my door as i tried on different outfits before i finally settled on the same jeans and tshirt i usually wear. Watching as i danced around my room to 'laffy-taffy'. Watching and waiting for me to wake up, watching and waiting for me to go to sleep.

A tear rolling down my cheek as i walk past his favorite part of the room, between our two doors. The silence that his tail hitting the floor used to fill.

All Dogs go to heaven
and like we used to end funerals at my old church
'and so it is'.

Things haven't changed much

Im still that black girl who picks up catepillars on the side of the road. But this catepillar was huge-my camera be my witness...So beautiful-pre butterfly, before it has wings. But it was cute, bright green, minding its own business...

A few hours later we walked past it, someone had squashed it. Made me kinda sad.

In an unrelated moment

this morning i woke up:


This is what i look like pre-actually getting ready for school. This picture made me laugh because i realized for the first time that i have my mommas short legs. long torso-short legs.hehehehe. Now im starting to know what they mean when they say 'getting your mommas body'.

and i wouldnt change it for the world.

a day in the life of alii

Just though id share a few random pics with yall.

Starting off with my beautiful dogs- who push open my door every morning and wait for me to get up





Next is class(fem. qualitative research methods) in the women's center


The West End "Mall"


Wrist Band after Afrekete's first field trip to the club(and yes my walls are bright yellow and theres a fireplace in my room)


Me doing some early morning reading on my porch


waiting for the bus on a rainy day


I would post more but its time to go get some sushi...

later.

screeeeeeeam!

This shit is too much to deal with

and i dont want to drop out. Gotta work something out...

-alii

Afrekete (Spelmans GSA) was very interesting. We had an interesting meeting with a relatively high turnout. Tuesday were going to the club to celebrate national coming out day. It should be fun. I am becomin increasingly aware that there is an entirely new gneneration of people at spelman. This years freshman class was born in 1987. Or in other words, i feel old. I might try to excape to Boston this weekend. or maybe dc. Doing the xfare thing- 40 dollar ticket.

Im keeping up with my schoolwork. A's allover the place.

Had a wonderful weekend. Im about to braid Moyas hair-maybe ill give her a braided mohawk...hehehehe. Then i have to do something to my own hair which needs to be washed. I need to buy a blowdryer.

Well bye for now
thanks for reading

-alii

pics are worth a thousand

One morning- i sat on my porch to enjoy the sun. A beauiful black butterfly landed on my porch...this is her

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The Good
*I actually got paid on time from Spelman.
*I found a second job. So now im working two jobs and school full time...
*So theres this boy(Im reallly not as gay as people seem to think), he goes to morehouse. He called and we talked...thats all ill say about that...giggle, giggle
*My roomate can cook from scratch. We've been having depression era food like meat and potatoes, corn and grits while reading Zane novels ( as required for summers ghetto lit course) at the table. But since we both got paid, maybe the food might improve.
*This party might actually work out. Target time-Halloween. Still deciding about whether its a queer girls party or not.
*ive started walking to school-its 2 miles down Abernathy which is an adventure in itself. I leave in late morning- just in time to encounter the all the 10am drunks in the West End.
*Moya is letting me drive her car, so im getting road experience.
*School is going well
*All my bills are paid
*Im learning to type- im at 12wpm
*I have half a bed together- i just need to figure out how to get it out to my house

The Bad
*i just paid my rent and i have like 30 dollars for food left.
*At nearly 50 dollars a month- i wont be getting internet...at least not for awhile.
*Now that i have two jobs and school full time, time will be of the essence.
*I need someone to dj the party cheaply
*its getting cold outside-this is my first southern fall

The Ugly
*Ive lost about 8 lbs due to an erractic one meal a day eating schedule. Hopefully this second job will help that situation. Lightheaded and goosebumps during class is not cute.
*Its getting cold and dark early which is begging to impede my travel
*Sprint pcs is getting on my goddamn nerves
*I miss people in my life (family, friends and sisters)
*My tuition is still not paid

Man now im all sad-but the good outweighs the bad and thats all that matters

Have a blessed weekend

random

My roomate wakes up obscenely early- like 6:30 am, which is like 2 hours after i go to bed. Through the thin partition between our rooms, i can see her lights go on around the same time i hear kids gathering outside at the bus stop outside our house. Living in a family neighborhood can be so startling...the sounds of buses criss crossing the intersection in front of our houses never fails to make me smile.
As my roomie leaves, i hear the bouncy steps of the dogs following her out the house.

Good morning.

So two hours later i actually wake up. The dogs are usually sleep outside my door and when i open it, they look up at me like its play time or something.

They follow me like some bodyguards, watching my every step and falling sleeping at feet. Queen for a day. I give them each a pat on the head before i head out the door. I look back as i see yellows face watching me as i walk down the street- until i disappear.

They're growing on me. I like that there are moving things in the house, the constant pit patter breaks the silence. Its nice to come home and have something jump up to you- happy as hell that you are home.

i dont know why im typing this- they just really warmed my heart this morning...

"A" is for Alii

So i got my first paper back... an "A-" written in Dr. Kuumba's purple pen. when i got mu paper back, i da,mn near crip walked across the womens cenger.

cant nobody steal my joy.

except maybe my job which took a sudden turn fpr the worse. I came into work ready to start on toni cades papers and ended up being assigned to copy 50 pages word for word.

So to amuse myself, i figured i would teach myself to type without looking.I had keyboarding in elementary school, after we finsihed with the oregon trail computer lesson, we were supposed to learn how to type. this meant sitting at the computer with this horrible game where yuor supposed to kill turtles with specific keys. Our teacher tried to make it sound fun"How many of you guys like Soper Mario bros?" we all raised our hands, well except me, i was fond of 'Zelda' myself...

Instead of learning how to type, i mastered an equally great skill, how to look through the bottom of my blindfolds during the tests... this skill landed me with an "A" but also made me completely inept when it came to typing...

So in two hours of working, i made it through one and a half pages....its ghoing to bne a loooong job. hopefully by the end ill be typing like a court stenographer during a 'twista' trial....

Perhaps, perhaps perhaps.

So top model started- i have a new addiction. The models seem extra skinny this time around. Their bathing suit bottoms cutting ackwardly into hips that arent there...skinny rib cages...

Or maybe its just that i generally dont find white women attractive...Maybe thats mean but its true.

But i still like the show. I hope a black girl wins(brie or ebony)...thats always my wish. Like when i used to watch miss america pagents.

I am busy trying to convince my roomate to go to the casting call next time around. At 5'10, lean and linear, incredible dark skin and a perfect smile, im sure she would make it kinda far.

She just looked at me like i was crazy...

That same day i lost her dog...again. That yellow bitch ran off to go hump some white dog down the street. Shes gay. That makes two of us in the house. she came back an hour later...

Keeping up with my assignments- im really working hard this semester. So far so good. Didnt have to work this week- but i still get paid.

Anyway- i have pics on my comp that i have been sending to people. Mostly from graduation time. Hopefully they'll all be sent by the weekend.

well thats all for now...later