i find it hard to say

Christmas was lovely- enjoyed spending time with my family. My family flew me out here for the holidays (and the warm weather). I made it up to the bay to see my dad, aunt, cousins and sisters. I saw some old friends, hung out- etc. Didnt get enough time, but i saw everybody, including christine who just came back from brazil. Greyhounded back to LA at 4am Christmas morning...

Ive been talking to a lot of my friends lately.. They tell me things and im not entirely sure how to respond. People tell me i'm a good listener but i wonder whether its because i dont know what to say back. Pregnancy, rape, a friends brother just committed suicide. What the hell am i 'supposed to say to that? Sorry? Hope things get better? I'm here for you?

Its been bothering me a lot lately. Frustrated that i can't find anything decent to say. Sure they say' oh listening helps' but do they really mean it? Does me sitting on the other end of the phone line with an occasional 'uh huh' really help? I don't offer advice, my cynicism doesnt exactly drip with optimism and then theres silence..

"Alii what should i do??"

I don't know what you should do. I don't know what i should do. I have never been pregnant, my brother has never commited suicide, hell- ive never even had a brother. Since i believe that everything works in relativity, i try to relate, but im still coming up short here... Ive never been one to talk about my own problems-my blog just covers the surface. I cant understand how telling someone what im dealing with would potentially help me feel better. Maybe its becausei dont really try. I just assume no one would understand- so why bother?

And then its back to the phone. I offer hugs and kisses and a sarcastic remark to ease the tension a little. But i just dont think its enough. So perhaps in this new year i can become a better listener and perhaps a better responder. Really speak from my heart. I dont have the answers but im trying my best...

alii

old friends

I've known this girl since i was 7 years old. The reason i joined YPD was because of her. I had a big crush on her, she was the pastors daughter. She never hung out with me- i was too wierd and i wasnt cool like the rest of the girls in Sunday School. So i just watched her from a far.

Shes pregnant now. We talk on the phone a lot. She called me yesterday and we talked for 2 hours. This morning i woke up and found this button of the two of us in elementary school.

Funny how things change over time. What happened to those two little girls?

California Dreaming

Its 78 degrees out.

oh im freezing

brrrr

te he he he

I got 5 on it

2000 five was an amazing year. Heres a recap

Biggest Things I did in 2005
1.Moved To Atlanta
2.Transferred to my third college
3.Made a few friends(thats a big deal- i usually dont make them very easily)
4. Moved into my first place in the West End
5. Got a tattoo

Five New places I went to in 2005
1.Chicago, Illinois
2.Huntsville, Alabama
3.Chattanooga, Tennessee
4. Richmond, Virginia
5. Bankhead

Five things I learned to Do
1. Drive(Thanks Shan, Angel and Moya)
2. Greyhound from Atlanta to Chicago
3. Twist my own hair
4. Shake my laffy taffy
5. Master the smarta marta

5 things I learned at Spelman
1. People watching at market fridays
2. The difference between the library and club woody
3. The first line of the school song
4. How to walk the strip(and slide between the holes in the fence to get to the library)
5. The Womens Center is the best place in the whole entire school

Five Things I love about the West End
1. Historic West End
2. West End Kroger/ Goodwill
3. "Hello my beautiful queen' when i walk to school
4. My neighbors who greet me
5. The little kids that call me ma'am

Five things I hate about the West End
1.Gentrification(i saw a white couple jogging with their golden retriever')
2. The West End Bank of America, Wachovia and SouthTrust
3.Too many fast food restuarants and they all sell chicken
4. Can't get food delivered
5. Poverty

Five favorite songs of 2005(okay some are a little problematic)
1. Some Cut
2.Touch
3.Gold digger
4.Kryptonite
5. La Tortura

Five most memorable events of 2005
1.Meeting Jocelyn and Angel in the middle of the night in Decatur
2. Hip Hop conference in Chicago
3. April 6th
4. Battle of the Bands
5. Summer in the Bay

Five things I love about Atlanta
1.All the beautiful black people
2. MJQ's
3.Driving through downtown and listening to Luda
4.Queergrrls
5.Everybody knows each other

It was a crazy year, im leaving hella shit out. It was amazing, better than i could have asked. I met the people i needed to meet, learned new things about myself. I didn't know what to expect but it was prolly one of the most interesting years of my life.

I'm leaving for Cali tomorrow. So i dont know when ill be back on.

For everyone who reads my blog have a blessed Holidays. And god bless
-alii

C(alii)

so i tried to stick it out here for xmas break, but i have just barely enough money to fly back to LA and the Bay. I'm elated. not because i love california(trust i dont) or that i hate atlanta, im just happy to be geting there.

After a long ordeal of trying to get this evil woman at the fulton county welfare office to give me food stamps, i finally got them. 270.00. It was followed by a trip to Whole Foods where i purchased organic fish, fruits and Bolthouse Green Juice. Now that i have mine- i have also convinced 6 other people to get them...

Went to see brokeback mountain. Didn't really want to go(i feel 8.50 is too much to see a movie that will eventually be on DVD for 3.75). The theatre was so packed we had to sit in the very front row-never again(unless you want to be dizzy with a neckache).

Nothing interesting- im supposed to be working on a paper.

be back later

papers

got some due, workin hard, workin hard

stuff. updates.

1. So BET did a special on hip hop. Like i said- im notlike a real hip hop head or nothing. I mean, i do care, understand that those images affect us all as black women,understand that its an artform we created thus we must ty to presearve it, understand its origins blah blah blah. Its hard to be optimistic, I'm not in love with hip hop. I don't have a running list of DJ's in my head, havn't been to most of the clubs in Atlanta or the Bay, don't go to underground music shops and ask the disc nigga about the latest this song or that. I can't freestyle, nor do i have any desire to. I own like 5 cd's most of the music i download. I falied at Hip Hop. like on some "F-" shit.
Yesterday one of my friends Malika had a warrior princess retreat. It was supposed to be a small spa retreat in her brand new apartment(its quite nice). aroiund 15 black women ranging from age 21-53 showed up, in interesting mix of people, A 21 year old who is putting out a new cd soon, a few activists, a young woman from Kenya who aspires to one day be the president of her country, a 51 year old spelman sophmore who writes naughty cards, a 24-y/o film producer, and emory grad student, a temple grad student, a harvard grad student graduate who is retuning to the A. a fellow classmate, some recent spelman, clark, clayton state grads, people/s cousins etc... My point is, it was quite a nice mix of people. or really my point is that i have met sooooo many black women since i got to Atlanta. I mean granted i go to aschool with 2000+ black women but damn.

THere is a queergrrls party at my house for new years. It sounds like it will be interesting, prolly a smaller turnout because of the number of new years parties going down. I'm excited, especially since i can drink as much as i want to because i dont have to drive home.hehhehe. (small pleasures)

i prolly wont make it back to cali this holiday season, im saving all my money toward january's rent and going back there will cost upwards of 500 dollars which is more than my rent)I'm a little saddened, i really wantewd to see my parents my aunts and my grandparents. THey really mean a lot to me and i know they'll be disappointed. Tierany and possibly amber and I may do something on christmas, or end up at one of our professors houses.

Okay thats enough of this..

So i'm not really into hip hop discourse.

BUT

Our dear friend Sienna Penderhughes(and i think some other students) will be on Cousin Jeff's Chronicle show talking about hip hop. So I think you should watch, even just to support her(them).

It comes on 7:30pm ET/PT(right after 106&Park) on our beloved network BET

hope you enjoy,
alii

I can't shop.*incriminating photo alert*

I used to have the luxury of sending my younger sister to the mall to buy me outfits, those days are long gone. Shopping with alii is a horrendous activity. I'm really, really bad at it. I am the person that mannequins are made for. I see absolutely nothing wrong with wearing exactly what the mannequin has on, then leaving the store. Shopping with me traumatized MB so much that she had to call Angel(all the way in california) for moral support.

So MB picked this number out(i think she just wanted to leave asap), i think it looked nice. and it fit, what more could i ask?

Here are some pictures from Cris's birthday party. They aren't that great because some people, (including the camera person) had a few too many drinks. I wore a dress as promised. Now I have two dresses (including my white founders day dress).


MB and I



Alysia and the birthday girl cris



Cris serronading(sp) a giggly alii



some of the more flamboyant attendees



Cris and I




One of my (fav) professors who I won't name(evidently my blog is searchable), the nameless professor's sister, Christine, Cris, M, Tierany, Alysia and Ambuh



Me enjoying the rest of the night.

*Please note that these pics may be taken down in a few days, so don't ask me where they went.

a very cliche post about changing the world

So everybody is saying its cold outside- i would like to chime in as well.

Its fucking cold!!!(and for people in states that are under 40 degrees out- i dont even want to hear the compariosn"its waaay colder out here than in atlanta" or "girl, you don't know what cold is". I lived in Boston for 11 years, and what did i do? move)

okay now that its out of my system

I'm almost finished with the semester. Hallelujah. Looks pretty goood. I just watched this movie called "born into brothels' , it made me think about traveling again. I'm wondering if i should stay in archiving or whether i should move into a more 'social work' type field. Its been on my mind for the last few monthes. I'm trying to figure out how to best combine some of my more artistic passions(ie quilting or photography)with something that can effect other peoples lives. maybe not in a political way, just perhaps in social way that people are able to tap into their own artistic passions and begin to create something. Archiving i love, but i can't quite figure out how thats contributing to others. I gain a lot from it, but i want others around me to gain something as well. Havn;t figured how i can work that out.

so i'm watching born into brothels, and the woman in the documentary taught some children how to use cameras in india. And it didn't create world peace or anything, but she was passionte about photogtaphy and she shared her gift with young children and it made a significant difference in a few kids lives.

so i used to want to go to grad school, im losing interest in it. I have the utmost respect for the people in in it-(ie half my friends) but im wondering if thats the route i want to take. Maybe later.

So my new years resolution this year was to allow myself to grow in my new home and get settled, maybe next year i set a little time out each month and work on combining my passions with some sort of social work maybe even teaching a little sewing course to younger girls in my neighborhood. THere are plenty of them, and they are great kids...

Well thats whats been on my mind lately.

Hope everyone is well during this decmeber..

alii

I'm a little hungry

What a difference a year makes

Wow,
i just want to point out that a year ago- i didnt know none of these people who are on the right side of my blog- now with the exception of unspoken_lyric and Entellektual Soul, i know all of yall- have seen all of you in person That to me is amazing.

Blogs are wierd like that you know- the internet is wierd like that.

(Just for the record, December is always a month of reflection for me and January is a month of birth(more specifically, MY birth). so there will be a lot of reminiscing on this blog.).


-alii

Well its 2am- so dont expect anything coherant

Early this morning during one of my insomiatic early morning internet trips, i recieved an email from a young lady in Michigan asking about a picture in Cosby(you know the one in the Toni Cade Display with Toni Cade, Gewndolyn Brooks,Pearl Cleage, Jo B. Cole, Nikki Giovanni, Sonia Sanchez etc) I couldnt be of much help so I forwarded it to Moya who of course knew more than I did. THe point is- she was a young woman writing her admissions essay due Dec 1st. Bless her heart. Exactly a year ago , i was in her shoes, writing and praying that Spelman would ignore my not so perfect GPA and give me a chance...and they did. It changed my life. Another milestone. Which brings me to hthis..

Do you remember?

Do you remeber writing your admissions essay to Spelman (or Purdue, UC Santa Cruz, Agnes Scott, Salem College, Georgia Southern, VCU, Tennessee State? Do you remeber what you wrote?

Do you remember trying out for a sport in high school and not knowing whether or not you made it? Obsessing and practicing until you got every move right, every play down... Do u remember riding on the team bus from a winning game or a losing game?

Do u remember the first time you drove a car? your driving instructor and the road test?(i failed my first one) Do you remeber the first time you drove alone or pulled up to pick up a friend. Do you remeber your first solo ride on public transportation?

Do you remember your first church solo, your first time having to read something in front of the church. The view from the choir stand to the audience or the view from the pulpit? Do you remember little sunday school pamphlets for the lessons or the childrens bible you had?

Do you remember your first bra? Do you still have it? Or your first period? Do you remember your school uniform, The first time you wore heels or the first time you wore slip-on shoes without a strap? Do you remember the first day of 5th grade and the last day of 6th?

Do you remeber the first time you got your hair pressed (then wrecked that shit thinking that wet hair with some gel would somehow make your hair slicker)? Do you remember the first time you got extensions? Your first trip to the beauty shop and the day you decided to lock your hair?

Do you remember McDonalds happy meals and double dutch or 4 squars after school? Do you remember extended care, after care or your babysitter when school let out? How about standing in the freezing boston winter waiting for the goddamn bus to come because it was 3 degrees outside? Do you remember memorizing your times tables and studying Egypt? Do you remember class pets, earthquake drills, fire drills, the pledge of alliegance or what to do when(not 'if') you heard gunshots(or was that because my school was in compton?)

Do you remeber going to work with your parents and coloring while waiting for them to finish? How you split chores and your al;pwance? When you still believed in Santa clause and took pictures on his lap. when you stayed up and waited for signs that he had come?

So many things to remember. And now im finally sleepy. 2:35 am-not bad...

Silent Night

So im an insomniac. There are nights that i just stare at the ceiling wishing some sleep goddess would just whisk me away. There are medicines i see advertised but i dont want some drug induced sleep, or a tranquilizer, i want to just be able to close my eyes and sleep.

Is that too much to ask?

Sure drinking helps, but i dont want to turn into an alcoholic in the name of sleep. Because first it will be sleep, then it will be drinking to numb other areas of life. So i stay away from the bottle at night time.

My house is really quiet at night- i hate quiet nights. I need noise to distract me from my thoughts. Otherwise ill think about things i dont want to think about. Or maybe reality sets in. And with reality comes frustration, fear and stress about circumstances im tired of dealing with.

Theres got to be a way to deal with it, i havnt figured it out yet but im trying.

-alii

Blues for an Alabama Sky*

So for about a month now- I've been bouncing around waiting to go to Alabama. My friend Dorothella invited me(well i sorta invited myself). So curious was i about the state next door to Georgia. And besides a trip to Louisiana for a family reunion and LaGrange Georgia, I have never seen much of the South.
I told people I was going to Alabama-was met by a lot of confused faces'why would you want to go there?" they asked' ain't nothing there'. Well everything is something, especially if its something i've never seen before.. Besides, cities kinda look monotamous after awhile.
We paacked in the car and drove along the tennessee border until we reached Madison county. A few hours and a bunch of cotton fields later, we reached Dorothella's beautiful country home sitting on 5 acres of land. She has a beautiful family that kept me cozy and laughing at the same time. My only wish was that it wasnt so cold out...I took a few pictures- took eeven more in my head. I wonder if i could live somewhere that rural-it was so peaceful.
I ate well- the dogs cheered me up with their energetic selves. Spent an hour trying to get them to learn how to play catch, even though whenever i'd attempt to throw something, they usually just watched me with that 'why-the-hell-does-she-keep-throwing-that-damn-stick-in-the-air' look. They did give me a tour of the yard though...



Now im back to atlanta, that big Alabama sky is just a faint memory, back to the West End and Spelman...



*play by Pearle Cleage

stretch

right now i just want to soak in a warm spring. relax my crippled knees. dream about running-

who knew that i would miss it so much...

"fake meat is like tofu in blackface"
thats what i told moya as she scooped me up a delicious heap of fake meat sloppy joe. Earlier she had sent me to the publix to buy some hamburger buns and by the time i returned to her house, my cynical tummy was eagerly anticipating a meal...even with fake meat. Lately i have begun to notice that my carniverous friends are few and far between and by hanging around so many vegetarians- i have begun cohorting with the enemy.

OK- so perhaps im being dramatic. I just had a conversation with summer where i found myself sounding like a 12 year old unable to rationalize what the hell i was trying to say. And when i did finally say something- i think it left her puzzled over my maturity....i dont blame her

Yesterday was Harry Potter. I confess i have never read any of the books and have only seen one of the movies. Out of a need to lighten my usually pessimistic disposition, i magic markered a lightning bolt on my forehead and wore it to the theatre. Is this denial that i am turning 23 in January...?


Went to CVS, yearned for Xmas- i guess having a house makes me want to decorate for a holiday i usually despise. Never mind that its been 15 years since my mother put a christmas tree in our house,, never mind that my roomate is muslim and is somewhat indifferent to the idea of having a wreath hanging on our west end glass door. I think my house is just asking to be decorated in gawdy green and red, i have some notion that it might make me feel better. Or the reality that i probably wont be able to go home for xmas.

I have put away my passions for quilts-i miss making them from the first one i made in home ec in the 7th grade. I remember trudging through the boston snow to buy fabrics in our town square, picking fanciful designs and mixing snow flakes with desert motifs. I don't have as much time as i used to, i miss making them. When im cold, i want to reach for a blanket i have created from my own imagination. The weather is cold and the chilly air and smell of chimney smoke in my neighborhood reminds me that i have not reutned home to boston in years. I keep saying i'll go back- but when i do-what will i remember of who i am?

Quilts, Quilts- i shall make a quilt for winter- and shall make it for someone i love or someone who needs some warmth in this sometimes cold cold world...

-alii

So u try to hate people

and the world

but then someone turns around and does something nice...

like yesterday- unable to see and end to my money situation, i tried to drop out of school. Unfortunately- my job is right across from the womens center which holds a panoramic view of the archives. During class- she sees me go in there , comes running out the class she was teaching and comes into the archives asking why im not in class. Well Dr. Kuumba, i had to drop out...
Dr K: um no you arent- ,we'll work something out- your supposed to be in class

My boss just laughed as i hung my head and headed back to class...

cant say i didnt try

Ndelea and Jocelyn had me over and cooked a fabulous dinner last night. Have you ever thought you knew how to cook until someone cooks for you?Then youre embarrassed to have them over to eat? I would like to revisit that menu
It was a 4 piece dinner served restaurant style

starting with:
a sweet potatoe& curry soup that included cocunut milk and spinach
a tomato sliced with fresh mozzerella sprinkled with balsamic vinegretta(i think)
warm sourdough bread with butter and/or olive oil
main entree was shrimp pasta...
Oh and if that wasnt enough- key lime pie for dinner

There was wine and white zinfindel but i cant drink wine...long story. So i had mango and orange juice.

So u know i went there expecting spaghetti and maybe some salad- i was not expecting this treat. I mean goddamn- do people really cook like this? IT WAS SO GODDAMN GOOD- i think i was in a state of shock...

I think i need to purchase some more cook books

alii

sure ive been told

but sometimes you just gotta believe it for yourself.

After a rough day of yelling and running into brick walls, i had a near break down in the middle of the cosby building. Just when i though i couldnt take it anymore-out of nowhere A little 4'11 locked angel named Dr. McFadden popped up and demanded that i join her for lunch.
Walking back to her visitors suite on campus in the bottom of johnnetta b. cole, we talked about a son she had lost last year in Boston Childrens hospital- the same hospital i stayed in and spent time playing with my recovering sister. We talked about Zimbabwe, a political system that i have yet to understand. Battery chickens and the west end goodwill

Sure i hate tofu and i hate salads, but i cleaned my plate, and it was good. Made me a believer in veganism. and fresh green tea.

I left there with a smile on my face and a new peace that helped me get through the rest of the days as a sane woman.

I stopped back in yvonnes office(another aquarian) and smiled at the little token of love she had left me-a free lunch ticket.

Sure ive been told the womens center is spelmans best dept.- but now i believe it way down in my heart. Didnt know i had an extra family looking out for me..
alii

walking on broken glass

it sucks being poor-

I tapped all my wells dry and my money(3 paychecks) is tied up at spelman.

yesterday i decided to do something ive never done before-apply for food stamps.

And there i was- yesterday in the bankhead welfare office- knocking on the glass window to protect the social workers from the vicious poor people. I had eveerything- my rent, electric bill, gas bill- and thats not even covering my phone bill. She looked at me and wrote- FS and shouted through the window- "how much is your rent baby?". Sent me to another room across the hall where i nervously twitched my feet. 45 minutes later- sitting across a big blue sign that said "all work is honorable, work first" i was called back up- she looked at me and told me to come back wednesday at 10:30.

Ive been in places like that. Planned parenthood,Dept. human services to get my shots. medicaid office when i was younger. Ive been to much better places. My life is some schizophrenic mix of being dirt poor but upper middle class. I think im supposed to be learning something from this.and i am.

The good news though is that my boss is back so my money can finally come back-
the bad news is that it will be awhile before i will get paid- another 15 days or so.
And i got another little side gig at spelman- working for one of the Cosby chairs that should give me something extra- hopefully enough to fly home to cali for christmas- or at least to boston.

in the meantime- back on the grind. But no worries- everything will be okay.

"how i learned gymnastics" or 'I finally got a bed'

Thanks to alysia and amber who have finally bought my bed saga to an end.




I love it- its perfect- even if i dont have a frame for it

Thanks you, thank you, thank you