I want to ride this bus (and im not sure why this is underlined)

The best part of Christmas

LEFTOVERS!!!!!

Homeward Bound

Again im getting on a flight- this time headed to Los Angeles California. And though i dislike Xmas and ive resorted to emailing Amazon gift cards to my family- it'll be nice to see my family.

My flight leaves at 9:10 and its 3:30pm. I plan to leave here at 6:30-allowing me at least 1.5 hours on the MARTA. Also for the long lines... I get to Los Angeles at 11:30 pm which is going to inconvienc my family but ill persevere...

Sigh. Its so quiet in this house. Silence is creepy to me- as is darkness. I keep forgetting to pick up a night light.

I've been so into this Discovery Channel 6- Part Documentary about climbing Mt. Everest. Its so fascinating. White People are crazy!!! There was a controversy over the summer that csome climbrs passed up a dying man on the mountain. Now i can understand how something like that can happen...

I'm so tired for no reason. Its been a long weeknd but i got to see some of my old friends that i hadnt seen in awhile-i also looked into a mirror. Now i can see what they all see. And after a 2 hour phone call with my sisterand a conversation with Shan I think i have a new understanding of everything- good preperation for 2007. I'm a stubburn ass Aquarian- but theres potential...

I have concluded that I dont make friends very easily. That I am very distant thus not very easy to connect with. That i live life in a protective buffer zone that keeps me from getting hurt but also prevents me from really feeling anything. I'm also extremely sensitive. Hmmm. I told my sister that like money, investing in a realtionship and getting no return leads to bankruptcy. But what happens when you are too disheartened to invest in anything? I heard once that Pessimists are usually right but Optimists are more sucessful. Hmm more food for thought. My best friend is the biggest optimist i know. And i admire her for it. But optimism seems to often lead to disappointment and failure is scary. But i guess i just have to learn to deal with that too.

So i have my hopes UP for 2007. That i can genuinely connect with the people who have reached out to me with friendship. Especially the people who havnt given up on me yet. That I can open up enough to feel a connection with others, even if it times i gt hurt or disappointed. THat i can speak from my heart and not be so peripheral with people.

A journey of a million miles begins with one step...

January 1, 2007

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

So yeah- this insomnia is getting a little out of control. After varying success with warm milk, sleeping pills, gin/vodka/rum, NYQUIL, Tylenol PM (not all at once) I decided to try a more natural alternative.

sleeping pills reminded me too much of the methylphenidates i was forced to take back in high school which resulted in me dropping some 10lbs and caused a creepy zombie effect, according to my friends. Methylphenidate makes you feel as though your brain is asleep but your body is awke. Sleeping pills is the opposite, my body is asleep but my mind is awake. Kinda like being in a coma.

Alcohol works very well but after watching intervention a few too many times- i get scared even looking at a package store. Besides, im trying to preserve my liver and i dont have enough money to be an alcoholic at the moment.

last night on a late night trip to publix, I was wandering the aisle looking for some sea salt and i ended up in the tea section. The stock guy asked me what i was looking for and i told him, i was looking for the tea 'with the bear wearing pajamas on it'. Its the kind my mom used to have in the house but i never made it. I'm not a big fan of teas(they taste too watery) but i figured, ill give it a shot. So he hands me this box of Sleepytime EXTRA that comes with Valerian....hmmm

Now to me, Valerian tea sounds like something that can only be ordered from a Starfleet replicator. (In fact, I googled/wikied Valerian Tea and wouldnt you know, Valerians are a humanoid species from the Alpha Quadrant, allies to the Cardassians- it is also TNG's Deanna Troi's favorite tea. )

Okay but back to the valerian tea, I made some (put soo much honey in it it probably tasted like koolaid) last night and i was asleep in about 45 minutes. In full disclosure, the night before i had only 2 hours of sleep. So its maybe a bit too early to tell. but hopefully this will prove to be a much more gentle alternative benydryl.

Get them sit-ups right.

I've been eating too much and not exercising at all. Sure ive gained a few pounds which im a little excited about but i feel sluggish. The other day i ran up the street to catch a bus and i felt like i was running in slow motion. Even with my bad knees that was unacceptable. By the time i reached the bus(less than half a block) i was panting and could barely get on to pay the driver. On the good side though- i havnt eaten red meat in nearly 3 monthes. Thats a big deal. I have been eating a lot of fish though. Especially fish tacos and Mexican chicken soup which is a weakness for me. And i still like sushi...

So next month ill hopefully be in my/ our new place. Were working out minor details like where are we moving. I really like Decatur Sq, East Atlanta, Inman Park, East Lake, Edgewood/Candler Park and (note these are all MARTA stops for a reason). Midtown would be cool if i found somewhere walking toward the marta station. But I'm a little prejudice toward places on the Eastbound line. I dont like buckhead though. Lenox/ Buckhead white people are wierd to me. They creep me out.

Other news-im piecing together a work situation for next semester. I'm trying to do little jobs that interest me vs. a 9-5+ school situation. I do long for a steady paycheck though. School seems so irrelevant but so important. Its so hard to keep focused when im ready to graduate but my credits arent. Sigh- if there is one thing i have consistently battled in my life it is school. I don't know what it is about school but i have struggled with it since kindergarten. But ill graduate. I have to to do what i want to do...

Well thats all i have for today-that felt good...

Airplane Survival Kit

Airplane Survival Kit
Originally uploaded by Alison G..

I'm back from Boston. I'll blog all about it later. In the meantime. Tomorrow i have to go make up hours i missed for Merry Corps

Next stop, Georgia State

Next stop, Georgia State
Originally uploaded by Alison G..

So this is home. Home in the 'I'm being present in my life kinda way'. Sometimes I sit and think, I can't believe I'm here. Moments are cosmic- in that way that they cant be recreated. Perhaps thats why i like pictures so much. Of all the places i could be- right now i am here. And thats home.

Alice Walker...and Guy-Sheftalls Hair

IMG_2702
Originally uploaded by Alison G..

yesterday after an especially stressful day at work i got back to find Moyas place surrounded by police cars...Oh shit- i thought-this can't be good. So instead of going back into the aprtment i decided to walk around first to investigate. ON the way i asked the groundskeeper, what happened and he replied that 'they was up there wrestlin and they somebody bout to get arrested. " I said which apartment- he said- the one 2nd floor (the floor MB stays on) I thought oh shit. So i go back to the apartment to check on her and it turns out it was the apartment across the hall. As i walked past there was a woman laying on the floor with a white blanket over her...

Go figure.

I dont know what happenned but im assuming shes alright because i saw a woman later joyfully speaking on the phone. But my grandfather told me that men who beat women are the lowest forms of humans. I feel bad, scared and saddened for her. Because thats some bullshit.

Today i took a mental day off to calm my nerves and decided to go hear Alice Walker speak over at Emory. Alice Walker is my favorite writer. Im not a big Color Purple fan- i dont connect with fiction very well. I do like her short stories and essays a lot. They were comforting to me when as a teenager attending a school that was about 3.8 percent Black and living in a town that was 1.3 % Black, that a Black woman was talking about Spirituality and sexuality in a way that did not have boundaries. I appreciated her freeness and individuality and though i didnt always agree- I loved how she wrote about everyday situations and her appreciation of moments. That being said- I 'm not into meeting people just because i like their books. Neither do i like getting books signed. But i decided why not-it might be nice to get a preview about whats in her next book. So i went and enjoyed it.

Next week im headed up the coast to Boston. I'm not looking forward to the weather nor the 'frozen chosen' Northeastern people of Massachusetts. I am not looking forward to walking past people and not being acknowledged nor the loud screeching of the T. But hey its home.

I am looking forward to hearing the hard accents, the fresh air, the people who i know and havnt seen in ages, my old church, my old town and everything Old. I want to see how a state with a Republican Morman Governor has gay marriage and health care for the entire state. I want to see how that same state thats 6% black just elected its first Black Governor- the second in the country. Such a little state trying to do big things...

Go Boston, go Boston

'Tis the season to be broke

So perhaps this may offend people. And i'm slightly apologetic but not really. Don't take it personally.

The other day I turn on the radio and theyre playing Xmas Carols. mind you, by the other day i mean back in October. The songs made me nauseaus. They were the quintessentioal Xmas songs complete with bells and high excited voices talking about a time when we were dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh. As far as I'm concerned, no one I know has ever dashed through some damn snow with a fuckin horse so stop singing like you've done it...

Christmas gives me a headache. It is my least favorite Holiday of the year. And yes there was a time when it was high on my list (presents and school breaks) but now it has dropped to the bottom- right underneath Columbus Day. I prefer Thanksgiving-even though I hate thanksgiving food- at least I know that just showing up is good enough. During Xmas- I wish I could disappear and wander off to a tropical island where i dont have to be bothered.

In addition to the headaches, excessive retailism, TV commercials, hyper Xmas displays in stores and wild children trying to jump on Santas lap, Xmas is just a sad holiday. It feels forced and desperate. I usually end up poor and destitute after trying to buy everyone a gift and wished i had more money to buy better gifts, then I end up feeling bad that i never had enough to buy them in the first place. Its supposed to be a happy time but I'm too busy scrambling to see everybody and get gifts that its more stressful than relaxing.

It wasnt always this way.

My mom all but stopped celebrating Xmas when we moved to Boston. We started off with big trees and as we got older, the Xmas trees got smaller. I remember when we bought Jr. a 2ft tall Charlie Brown tree that looked more like a branch that fell off a real tree. Every xmas we would drag it up with as much excitment as a traffic jam. We would look at each other and the tree and grudginly wrap some yarn around it. And though we despised it- it became a sort of family pet that sat in the corner far into the next year until someone decided to bring it back down into the basement. My moms gifts were always simple. She made us journals and wrote us lengthy cards that expressed how much she loved us, that she was proud of my sister and I. They were beautiful. I always kept them.
So in my little family (my sis, my mom and I) Christmases were realistic, simple and quick. I miss that.

A few years ago I stopped celebrating xmas and began to give out New Years gifts partly because New Years is my favorite holiday and partly because everything is cheaper after xmas. Its hard not to celebrate xmas in a country that forces you to celebrate it but I'm learning. When i say that I dont celebrate xmas i usually get blank stares and looks of confusion.

"Why" they ask, all concerned or assume that I'm pagan

"Because i dont want to"- I reply. I mean realy- who says I have to?

Bah Humbug

Dems don't vote in the rain, but whats on your sonny- do list?

*I lost my original blog so bear with me as I try to recreate the feeling*

I woke up Tuesday morning(hey some people don't you know) and I looked out the window- damn- its raining. Well shit-thats an excuse not to vote. Especially since the polling place is a mile and a half down a highway with no sidewalks (talk about accessibility). It was cold, dreary and i was not in the mood. I headed to the train station, picked up my daily and on the coverpage theres a huge article that says Democrats less likely to vote in the rain- Damn. I get to work and I see JB's Blog which again worked on my conscience. It didnt help that i just saw American Blackout on Monday. How dare my black ass dont show up to the polls after what your ancestors did for this right...

Okay okay. But who the hell was I gonna vote for? Georgia has a 2 party system, Republican and More Republican. Or maybe it seems that way because I just left a very liberal area of California. the 'Democrat' (and I use that term loosely) didnt seem to have much more to offer me. Well in fact i didnt vote for either- and half my ballot was left blank because I refuse to vote for people I ave never heard of. Evidently Georgia doesnt send out a voters guide that explains whos running and what they what they'll do in the extra time when theyre not having affairs with male prostitutes and teenage pages. I mean I would love to know what issues will finally be addressed in the last 4 monthes of their term. Since i consider my self an educated voter- I tried to go to the AJC Newspaper website and look at their voter guide. Their non partison voter guide asked the hard hitting questions like 'whats your favorite TV character' or 'What recent gadget can't you live without'. Shit that made me really want to go out and vote.

I got home and watched a little local coverage of the election. I saw long lines and stories about broken machines. I was excited. There was gonna be ACTION at the polls. I bought my camera along to capture it all. Well I get the polls around 5 'o clock. I mistook rush hour traffic for people rushing to the polls. I parked far away, anticipating no parking available at the church. Well as i walked to the church- and crossed a 3 street intersection there was hardly any parking. In fact, there were non- handicapped parking right in the front. I walk in- no line. There were 10 poll workers and 6 people voting. There were extra machines. I filled out a voter certificate and i was given a card and it took less than 4 minutes. It was too easy- There were no broken machines- nobody fighting, no one being denied a provisional. This shit was boring.

I left. I'm not political in the sense that I believe politicians make the changes. I don't think my vote really counts and i dont want to hear- 'what if everybody felt their vote didnt count'. I voted libertarian(you can do whatever you want were just not paying for it party) twice because i dont believe in the two party system. I'm not strategic, I vote for people whose views i share, are earnest and sincere even if they have no chance of winning. I usually vote democratic because of the social programs (or to try to get bush out of office) but I really dont think the democrats have done enough to get my vote. But maybe that'll change with them neing the majority.

But the good news is that I voted- and most important, I got a sticker

Pomegranate

Pomegranate
Originally uploaded by Alison G..

Fall is not my favorite season...Summer is. Anybody who has spent time in the Northeast knows that Fall is just another term for Winter. California has Autumn- Indian summers and all that niceness but I have been traumatized one too many times by Fall. Fall Field Hockey practices(in short skirts)- our cleats crunching through the icy grass, Trick or treating with a snowsuit on over your costume and raking every 3 days because the leaves rather commit suicide than subject themselves to a long winter...

But there are some highlights. I love pomegrantes(sp?) They used to remind me of red corn kernels and i loved popping them and feeling the juice squirt in my mouth. The other day at the store, I saw pre cut pomegrantes- i thought- well shit- that takes all the fun away. So i bought one home and peeled it myself, Savoring each kernel and trying not to stain the carpet... not as easy as it looks

WRRC 25 Years 002

WRRC 25 Years 002
Originally uploaded by Alison G..

The Womens Research and Resource Center had its 25th Anniversary last weekend- and I'm late with the blogging (to be late is unacceptable). I had a great time, even if i didnt make half the panels ( i have an extremely short attention span mixed with bad hearing). It didnt help that i was bitter and irritated at my camera that didnt come in time for me to get the good shots, but me and the canon powershot worked it out. Highlights included seeing some friends, seeing some friends, smelling the tailgate, seeing friends. The scholars, especially Leslie Feinberg whose book was hte only book i didnt resale to the bookstore when i took a queer theory course at UC Santa Cruz. Leslie had an amazing presence and actually particiapted in all the events. Bell Hooks- i really like her books...
It was exciting.

I have a few pics up. This one was taken by MoyB. It seems that people have found the flickr account but if not- you can click on the picture and it should take you to the rest of the WRRC 25th.

Until next time,
me

I have a feeling this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship

dark leaf II
Originally uploaded by ali_turtle.

Just got my new baby- a Nikon D50. To celebrate, I've decided to get this flickr account up and running so I can share some of the pics and hide others for just my friends and family(pretty much anyone who reads this blog)

This pic was taken in the middle of the night- not a bad flash sensor- and the sharpness, the clarity-Nikon is a bad mutha (shut yo mouth).OMG i'm so excited!!!! my hands can barely touch the keys- and ive only had it for a few hours!!!

I can't wait- I can't wait!!

This weekend is going to be insane!!! And I dont get I'm real interested and curious in seeing Leslie Feinberg in the context of Spelman's Women's Research and Resource center. Yesterday we ran into an old friend- she asked who I was excited to see this weekend- I said Moya. And I guess Dr. Guy-Sheftall because no matter how much I see her day to day, I never get tired of listening to her speak. NEVER.

Monday I went to the Homecoming Fashion Show...

(For some reason I still cant upload photos.) But i had a great time- even if it was a hot mess....

I'm so tired. I woke up early to do my little computer outreach project and one person showed up. She had alzheimers so nothing really stuck. It was interesting.... :) I have so much to do today- and after this, I still have to go to school and finsh some stuff over there. I prolly wont get back until about 8- thats 13 straight hours! Breathe deeply- it could be worse...

but soon im going to have my baby! They said she can be delivered tomorrow or Monday!!!! I'm so excited!!

whats progress

Its getting hard to avoid corporations. Each time corporations merge or get bought out- the customer has a smaller voice, fewer people have jobs etc. The US is homogenized- but hey I'm sure this isnt anything new to people. I miss when traveling to a different state meant getting different stuff- or there was something unique about it. Even simple stuff like hearing different music. And though i do notice a slight difference between hyphy ass 106 KMEL and Lean wit it V103, there isnt that much of a difference. There are so many developments in Atlanta- they all look the same. I like the older houses in Atlanta with the triangle attics and big porches. I like the big trees and lush lawns that spill over into the street and force me to walk in the street. i like the old Marta sign posts that even bus drivers dont know where they are. When I was younger and took a trip to Atlanta, I took a picture of them because they looked like miniature Washington monuments. I dont even pretend like i'm from Atlanta, according to the census, something like half the people in Atlanta aren't from here. Atlanta natives are a hard find at times. If i were from here- i would be pissed..


I digress...

AT&T is trying to- or about to about out BellSouth- i'm not really excited. They say a few thousand jobs will be lost. This shit happens everywhere. I could go on this isnt any new insight.

Recently we've had some problems with the Digital cable. Half the channels were blocked off. Actually they're still not working and its 2 days later. I have called comcast twice and the first time i was put on hold for 23 minutes- only to get hung up on. I called back and got a recorded message that said- were experiencing difficulties and then the phone just hung up. So then i called back and instead of saying i needed assistance, i pushed 2 for 'If you are interested in starting service' I was immediately connected, only to give my piece of mind to an operator who problably hads little to do with the problem. you cant even complain to comcast? what kind of business shit is that? Well i already know the answer to it.

Yesterday I recieved a new cell phone in the mail. Unfortunately it was the wrong phone. so i called Tmobile and after i selected 1 for English- I was immediately connected to a service person. Have you ever called somewhere expecting a machine and someone picks up? Its so rare i didnt even know what to say. I told him the problem- he looked up and ADMITTED they had sent the wrong phone. He APOLOGIZED(it was sincere) and credited my account and put a new one in the mail. He also suggested some new phones that might be cheaper.
????

I was so shocked. The whole transaction took less than 5 minutes. It was beautiful.
So this is my list of companies that i deal with and how there service compares with customer service. This is subject to change the next time i have to call them. this is strictly based on callnig them- not their services

Excellent Customer Service
Southwest Airlines
T-Mobile
Sushi Ave, Figo Pasta Decatur and

Decent
Scana Energy- not always nice but they usually work shit out
Salvation Army-They would get a better grade if they didnt talk so much.

Bearable
Bank of america- (the operators are fake nice but usually im mad because b of A fucked up my account and they dont fix it)
Rent-a-center - i called them to pick up the speakers after the party and he kept asking how i looked and how he is looking for a girlfriend

Needs to be shot at
COMCAST
DELTA
SPRINT- I hate when people, who are clearly not in the US call and say their name is Jack Brown and can barely pronounce it. i dont mind accents- i do mind liars.

Here are my tips- theres a website that has all the phone keystrokes to get you to a human. find it.

When dining- dine with white people(or moya because everybody seems to love her), bring a journal and pretend youre taking notes or a camera so you look like a food critic.

Complain youre ass off. Remember PUSH (Pray until something happens) The same applies here.

one thing leads to another

Anmother Milestone
The other day i went to Walgreens to pick up another 500 picture binder bringing my total picture count to more than 2000 pictures. So i have more than 2000 pictures since the 8th grade. Damn. I have pics from my 8th grade semiformal- this was an important time in my life because it was here that i made the transistion from glasses and corn rows to long silky black hair and contacts. All in a matter of a few weeks. I had had thick glasses (i have a -6.00 contact prescription) since elementary school and this was the first time i could look in the mirror and see myself without glasses. And that coupled with my new perm- i swear i looked like a princess

(speaking of hair. I dont know what the hell to do with mine. My friend Uzo-amaka is gone so i no longer have a personal natural hair stylist, (as if they are so hard to find in Atlanta). An afro is a whole lotta work-so i decided to just lock it back up so i dont have to deal with it every day...more on that later)


Idle hands are a devils workshop...
So i picked up a little freelance gig yesterday (one of these i-woulda-done-it-for-you-free- but-since-you-offered-to-pay-me... situations) But im really excited because its enough money to finally be able to purchase that camera ive been dreaming about!!!!!!!

Yesterday I bit my tongue to go see a free screening of the movie Catch a Fire about a South African man who blew up the water treatment plant to protest apartheid. Its based on a true story and the guy who the film was based on was at the screening along with Derek Luke(oh he's so cute). Afterwards, there was a question and answer period(I'm not a big fan of Q & A's) where some white people got up and said some of the dumbest shit i've heard...

Well i've been kinda lax with the photos lately. But I swear if i get a new camera- y'all will be so sick of seeing pics- i might have to move my blog to flikr. Here are some October pics

.....

....

So blogger doesnt want to upload my pics- well i guess there wont be any pics today. I really need to figure out how to get the flickr on the blog thing together

I was made to love her

or was she made to have me.

So for awhile i've had this slight obessesion with a camera. Her silver body with all the right curves, 10 megapixels of pure beauty. Everytime i go into Ritz Camera to pick up my prints, she whistles at me like a crack whore from her spot on the second shelf behind the glass.

"Alison baby, take me home, ill do things to you...."

"naw" i say, i have a wife and two kids at home I have a private education to finance

I look at her longingly from the line as she dances on a pole in front of me- shaking her goods side to side. I stand there, bills in my hand ready to tip her and hopefully bring her home. But the bouncer Ritz camera sales boy stares at me- reminding me to keep a safe distance.

For monthes i pick up the Ritz camera sales quarterly, scanning the pages like a dirty magazine. Cutting out pics and hanging them on my mirror- 'one day ill have you, just you wait. Imma rescue you from the Decatur store and we can live together and frolick in the hills...'

i pick up my prints and turn around for one more glance of her. She winks at me

next time baby,

next time

*i learned from summer the strikethrough
*I learned from jalylah the importance of astericks at the bottom of the post

The freaks come out at night.

Tonight was a full moon. I'm a moon fanatic. And though im fron the west coast and love watching sunsets over oceans and bays, there is something ever so fascinating about this giant white ball sitting in the sky. It changes shape, sometimes you cant even see it but its there. It reminds me of the passage of time. Its no coincedence that womens cycles are 28 days as well.
It controls oceans...Need i say more.

During my sleepless nights i see the moon peeking at me, waiting patiently for me to close my eyes and loose myself in slumber. Sometimes i do, sometimes i dont, but through the blinds its always there...



I wish i had a telescope, especially with a camera at the end, but i dont. But that didnt stop me from snapping a picture with my trusty digi cam....

I don't get it

I mean wasnt the first one annoying enough?

Can I please graduate

Why is this shit taking so long. Let me rephrase this question, why am I dragging this shit out? Why are most of my friends in Ph.D. programs and I have yet to get out of undergrad?

So a few weeks ago I was with my friend, we were going to Georgia State so that she could get me one of those seriously underpriced MARTA cards. I was looking around thinking hmmm should i transfer here? Its a much better enviroment for a student over the age of 23. I could focus on classes minus the social. I could take some fascinating classes that you can only take at a state school. And lastly, Georgia State is less than 3000 dollars a semester for tuition. Simply a matter of economics. Spelman avergaes about 7000 semester. Shit my americorps stipend would almost clear out a semesters full-time tution at GSU.

MY reasons for staying at Spelman are quite superficial. Really the only reason i'm staying is because I want SPELMAN on my diploma. In addition- I have met some fabulous people and great friends and learned a lot about feminism. Its also nice to be in an all black classroom. Spelman can feel very familial at times. Most of all I worked to hard to get here- I need to commit to something, follow through and graduate. It is something that i'm very bad at doing. I usually get within inches and then somehow pull out.... I've got to finish this race.

But GSU, is a great school. It has some classes that I find really interesting. It's a quite a bargain. I can just go to class then come home- no socializing required. They have great facilites (gym and performance halls) and all kinds of other goodies. Plus I can get a cheap MARTA card(hey thats a deal breaker).

So thats whats been circulating in my head lately.

Other things:

I stole another another newspaper from the MARTA station this morning(money collector thing sometimes doesnt work so you can just pull it open and grab a paper. The station agent tried to yell at me but i responded 'it didnt want my money 'then took off like an arthritic track star. Off all the things i could shoplift, I choose a newspaper? I'm gangsta forreal)

But really, how are you gonna act all brand new when the machine takes my money, like you have nothing to do with the AJC but then act all crunk and committed when i take a paper for free.

I'm just saying.

One last thing. It is 75 degrees out and the library still wants to blast the air condition. Why do people insist on putting on ac in the winter time? I am not a piece of meat that needs to be shipped across the country so why do i feel like one in this 61 degree computer lab? I HATE HATE HATE AC. AC should only be used when it is 85 or over. And even then it should be used sparingly. I fucking have goosebumps!!!

until later- when i'm feeling decisive...

me