January 30, 2006

So today I turned 23

God is Good
(all the time)

on menstruating on a tampon string budget *tmi*

So during one of my trips to Charis books in Atlanta, the feminist book store which is one of the few times i come in contact with white lesbians in atlanta (I have lived in Atlanta one year and I know the name of one whole white lesbian-she goes to Agnes Scott)

Amongst the books about pussy liberation and lesbian sex guides, there is a little corner devoted to eco-friendly menstruation...

WHAT!!!

So some of the appeal is that it is enviromentally friendly, no bleaching, cost effective blah blah blah. But somehow the sound of a reusable pad or a reusable tampon simply aren't appealing to me. I'm just saying.

And then of course my inital shock turned into curiosity. Well maybe its not such a bad idea. Maybe it would be cheaper. I mean- I started when I was 11.

So that was almost 12 years ago.

Quick calculations
12 years -2 years that i was running and severly underweight =10 years.
10 years x 12 periods a year =120 periods
120 x $4 dollars =$ 480


So in the last 12 years- ive spent almost $500.00 well that is minus the ones i stole out of our gym 'red box', from friends, from the store(okay i shoplifted them a few times), school nurse, overzealous period activists who shall not be named but somehow intergrate their cycles into random conversations and love their womenhood.

(Okay maybe i've spent about 100 dollars. But still, you get the point.)

So among these eco-friendly products there is the Diva Cup and the Keeper. They look like little pocket-size bathroom plungers. They are supposed to be like tampons but im a little scared. I'm sure they work wonderful- and perhaps i'll spend the 35.00 dollars to purchase one

...maybe not.





Then theres a sea sponge. I first heard about this from one of my overly feminist friends back in berkeley who swore by them. She would buy them from the Berkeley Bowl and go right home and adjust it a bit. She said they workied like a charm- as she offered me one. I said hell no. Yes its natural, yes the salt content of the ocean is the same as your body, yes the ocean is pulled by the moon which has a 28 day cycle just like your period. Yes I see how metaphysically this shit is supposed to be deep. Yet everytime i tried to picture it, all i could imagine were barnicles and seahorses growing inside the uterus.

Which brings me to the moon inspired Luna Pads. These are re-usable pads that come in packs of 5-7. They're supposed to be made of flannel which sounds a little like vagina pajamas. These are a bit expensive retailing at about 85.00 dollars. They sound a little extra- but i perhaps in the long run- i could save some money.



In other words- im sure these products are wonderful. I'm sure that they even work better than other products. I'm sure i shouldnt be supporting Tampax. Im sure of a lot of things- yet very unsure about these.

I'm feelin a bit...

SCARED

So if youve tried some of these products, or your best friend has tried them, let a sista know. Anonymous responses are completely fine...

I understand

I Spy

Secret Toni Cade Planning Meeting

on socializing(and other shit im bad at)

"What was your first impression of me?" I ask

"Um, you were kinda standoffish",
"i didnt think you liked me",
"There was like this wall..."
"I just thought you didn't like people..."

You get the point.

I'm socially awkward.

Last night:
SCENE
Friend's 28th birthday party. Cakesbycoko and champaign and chocolate covered strawberries served on clear plastic plates. Beautiful home complete with a dog and plenty of baby pictures to swoon at.
THE CROWD
age: 21-35?
race: All black except 2 or 3 white women
sexuality: 75%-90% were les/bi/queer/not quite straight(this is an approximation based on my gaydar and subsequent friendster visit for follow up)
hair: 60%had locs, if not more, mostly natural.
mixed education varying from never been to college to grad students

Translation- these people were more or less like me and theres nothing to be afraid of

so what happened was. I got to the party and i immediately was drawn to the fireplace. I called myself keeping warm when in fact i was scared to go talk to anyone. I'm the partygoer who is likely to find a seat somewhere and keep myself busy with food, only occasionally leaving my nesting area to get more food. If theres no food- then i am just as likely to find a magazine, look at family pictures or go outside and talk on my cell phone until my required stay at party time has elapsed. Usually 1.5 hours. You see, i've got it down to a science.

Well everything was going according to plan until that social butterfly moya caught wind of my plan. Outraged and insensitive to my social disorder, she made up a game. She challenged me to rack up as many 'social points' as i could.

0.5 for saying 'hello'
2.0 for an introduction lasting longer than 10 seconds
4.0 points for a conversation lasting longer than 2 minutes
1.0 point per minute of additional conversation

simple enough right?

Well no. You see when i'm nervous, i start blushing and laugh. My first attempts of trying to be social resulted in me stumbling around the party laughing and scaring/concerning the surrounding party members.

second attempt- i very awkwardly and conspicuously joined a conversation about holistic spas on the couch. I didnt have a clue what they were talking about, i tried to seem engaged but it didnt work. 2 minutes later, I realized i was probably giving off eerie stalker vibes so i abruptly got up and returned to the chocolate covered strawberries.

Third attempt- moya confirmed that chocolate covered strawberries did not count as party guests.

Fourth attempt- I sat back on the couch directly across from a young black woman who looked interesting. I introduced myself. She said her name was Alexis, she was a grad student at Duke, she studied english, it was her second year, she went to columbia undergrad, she loved new york but was ready to leave, that conversation lasted an entire 4 minutes. It wasn't so bad.

After that- i talked to a few other people, i eased up. I didnt drink ( i had to drive)

I hope i get better at this soon. Its the only way ill meet people. I've been fortunate to have people who gave me a second chance(ie everyone i have met in atlanta) after my notoriously awkward first impressions. I am thankful and blessed for them.

on grad school

I'm having one of those "what shall i do with my life days?"

be forewarned.

Most of my good friends have graduated, a few are in grad school. Thats great, its beautiful, its nice seeing the young black ladies getting the education.

Do i want to go to grad school?

I'm not in love with academia. I dont worship scholars. i dont speak jargon. I don't like arguing with people, because i generaly don't care and dont expect them to change their mind. Im wondering when all this work by scholars will actually fall out of the ivory towers and land in the ghettos that these large universities reside in. Not in a symbolic way, but in a very real way thats meaningful to the people who are studied/examined and interoggated for their experieces for the sake of being a case study in someones book. Books are nice(espcially since i want to work in the library/archive field), largely inaccesible but nice. I'm tired of books/papers/works with two titles that include'examining the role of'', 'redefining','reexamining','looking at','interrogating', the discourse' etc etc. Perhaps the most salient reason would be that i hate writing papers.

Disclaimer: now im not trying to suggest that grad students worship scholar dieties, speak jargon or that their work is insignificant- i think the opposite. I like grad students, in fact, i think women in grad school are sexy.

now the flip side of this is that i actually enjoy school and i love learning . Unfortunately for me, one might not be able to tell that by my transcripts. Grad school sounds appetizing, like a sizzling plate of shrimps. It sounds prestigous, smart, intelligent all that shit. It makes me sound as if im living up to my academic potential. It kinda looks like fun. Like on some ' all- my-cool-friends-are- in-grad-school-so-i-wanna-go too' type shit. I want to talk about how much my cohort sucks, how much i love Dr. so&so's work, how i'm a grad student becaue i suck at life. I want to laugh at professors(like corny white people humor), go to conferences and be affiliated with a school. I want that shit on my resume. I pretty much want to go for all the wrong reasons.

And then theres the allusion that it may somehow open up better job opportunites in my (insert yet-to-be-determined profession here) future. Lately i've been reading some books(yeah- the ones i said earlier were useless) about black people and the climate for jobs. The raging black middle class that i not-so-secretly want to be part of and despise for making me feel like i want to be part of it . Oh how the real world sucks. I've been working since i was 14-i love getting that paycheck and im off topic.

But in conclusion,i want to go to grad school for shallow reasons; i doubt my grades will allow me to do that; i need to find a job that i love(thats another blog entry);It will help my self-esteem to appear smart because I'm scared and insecure; I might feel naked without a post grad degree; trying to improve society outside of the academy, with the academy's help and most importantly, grad school nerds are hot and i want to holla at them and sound intelligent..

So yeah, this is me thinking aloud again. This ain't anything new, or unique.. just ones of those days
(uh oh- sounds like im apologizing *sisterfire leaders begin to beat me on the head with candles*). In the meantime i need to focus on part 1 of grad school-

graduating from Spelman.

(p.s. the reasons i wanted to go to Spelman is a far bigger farce, so embarrising that even shamless alii will not publish them)

on roommates

Its wierd to live with someone, you dont know. Our house is a two bedroom- we have betrween us, one tv, half a radio and share pretty much everything else. I got lucky this time- while surfing through craigslist, i stumbled across a posting from a young woman looking for a roommate in the West End area of Atlanta. It seemed like a good match, and her name sounded familiar, i asked my friends. Turns out she was Spelman alumna-
But its still wierd. Our honeymooney period is over, youre roomate is always great the first two weeks. Its not wierd because we dont get along, far from it, its wierd how our lives are so intergrated in a way thats hard to put into words. We cook for each other, clean each others messes,share the one bathroom, shop for food, talk about our days, see each others 'friends' then go to sleep. We dont hang out, she teahes second grade while i'm at school. We share the living space, occasionally bump into each other and cry over the latest 320.00 gas bill. But the best part is- shes not crazy, she doesnt steal my stuff, shes not a neat freak or a slob, shes respectful and occasionally gives me rides. But its still strange to live with someone you dont really know...ya know?

My last roomate in room 205 Laura Spelman Hall, she was cool too.. We shared a room, it was small but not tiny. Our beds were lofted over our desks, She was a sophmore glee club fanatic from Fairview, Ill who loved computers and fixing things. She was thoughtful- showed me around, attempted to try to teach me some spelman traditions, like the song and the history of some of the buildings. She was the gayest muthafucka on that campus, and the fact that we were roomates was a bigger joke.

no complaints with that roomie.

At UC Santa Cruz i was living in the substance free hall of porter building. I had a roomate who seemed normal on the surface but was psychotic. Often she would wake me with her piercing screams. Twice, in the middle of the night she threw a pillow at me while i was sleeping. At over 5'9 and 300lbs, she was a force to be reckoned, i wasnt exactly trying to fight her. She would hang up on people who tried to call me, including my mother(cell phones do not work on that campus so we shared a room phone). After her antics became more and more bizarre,( like when she would follow me around the room whispering stuuff under her breath), i made an appointment with housing who relocated me upstairs. It was a beautiful room but one night i learned i had another roomate, a bat.

Before that i had a roomate for 16 years. My sister. We shared bunkbeds, read each other stories, talked ourselves to sleep.

so my point is, though it may be strange living with someone you found on craigslist, sometimes it actually works.

i can't wait to get my own place.

I dedicate this year to

fuckin the bullshit.

Last year- was great- a learning experience. I moved here exactly one year ago. Ain't it something.

I'm not overly concerned with what people think of me. I wore pajamas and slippers to the last queer girls party. People whispering'oh she's gay' in the Giles elevator, as if i cant hear them. Or in the cafeteria lunch line, or on founders day when i finally wore a dress. IIts cool- no hard feelings, i have a few friends, thats all i really need.

Most people are beautiful to me. The word ugly has never been iin my vocabulary. My mom told me early on that ugly doesnt describe someone, it describes their actions. I am grateful for this.

But last year i found myself slipping, becoming sensitive to what other people thought, And (gasp) gossip. On a few occasions, my lips went a little loose, i made fun of people, talked shit about people, smiled when i saw them. ITs not that big a deal, but its a big deal too me. I sometimes looked in the mirror, ashamed of what i saw. or more saddened that i had resorted to such low measures to justify my jealousy, insecurity blah blah blah.

So in 2006 im going back to the middle. To the self confident alison that i was before. Nurture myself in a way that can benefit me and the people around me. I want friendships with clarity, honest ones, and if it isnt there- oh well.
Everything will be okay.

Alii

The big 23 (or) * thinking aloud*

So im turning 23 at the end of the month. I'm slightly excited, a little wore out. I feel like i need to be doing more with my life. Etc Etc.(ie i feel like i should be graduating at some point soon)

ANYWAY

But back to the good stuff.
I want to have a birthday party. Since my roommate and I are a day apart, im figuring we should have a joint party. I told her about it and she seemed slightly excited, slighty irritated and partly amused. She said she would show up, and hopefully i can get some of her friends to show up as well. So in other words, i get to plan it. I'm still happy from the new years party. Though i dont want my party to be like that, a little more subdued. With my not-so-queer Spelman friends and my roomies friends there, it will be a different crowd all together.

So i have my tentitive plans laid out

It will be on Jan 28, at my house, somewhere in the evening time.
There will be drinks and some real food, maybe it can be a buffet, but thats too much effort. (Actually thats just an excuse to get Jocelyn and Ndelea to cook)

I'm still stuck on the theme- i suggested that we have a pajama party-mainly because i am too lazy to put on any real clothes. Moya is going to deal with the music. I'm expecting maybe 20 people between my roomate and I, so it will be nice and small...

I'm not good at party planning or anything of that sort. I don't care how many people show up, but i want the ones that do show up, enjoy themselves.

So i just borrowed 'the joy of cooking' from the library, So ill be in the kitchen for the next few hours, 'experimenting'.

Its like

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I'm like:

Uh-huh
Okay
Wassup
Shut-up

(one of those days where i cant think of shit)

resolutions

1. Manage my money better(ie get to know my savings account)
2. Manage my school work better
3. Keep moving toward my career
4. Eat better-less meat more vegetables
5.Actually eat at home instead of eating out
6. Learn how to dress professionally
7. Do more quilting/crafts

Pretty generic but what can i say..

New years

i had a party for new years

It was a lot of fun

I'm so glad people came.

Ive never had a party before.

Somebody bought fireworks and we set them off on my front lawn and in the middle of my street at midnight. My neighbors came out and set theirs off too. We had our own mini show. My house sits high on a triangle so you could see all the fireworks popping off at once,

I don't know how many came- off the top of my head, i knew at least 40 people by name, and a few people i had never met before. The music was cool and though my house is small(2 bedrooms and office) there was enough space that people could dance all up on each other...or not. Smokers had the front porch, we didnt end up using the big back porch. The people in charge of throwing the parties did what they needed to do and helped clean up the house afterwards. I barely had to do a thing. The food was fine and there was plenty of free alcohol (maybe too much). The parking situation was cool-peop;le came and left so there werent major parking issues-. Pretty much everything went off as planned. I'm really surprised people could find the house because i suck at directions.

Before the party- it was bought to my attention that there was concern over my neghborhood being too hood.

There were no shootings, muggings, cars stolen, cars broken into, car accidents, fights, spontaneous fires, complaints to the police, broken windows, busted walls, (or one of my biggst fears, my very old toilet clogging up). Our biggest problem was a very drunk and very underage girl who threw up all over my house and porch. I'm glad shes okay but helll naw. I wont get into it but i was pissed as hell. And i dont get angry very easily. Luckily she has friends who were helping take care of her because i was straight about to drive her ass right back to her mama.

New years is my favorite holiday for sentimental reasons and being able to spend it with some of the coolest people in atlanta, many who i met almost exactly a year ago, just made everything so special.

Happy New Years.

Who I come from

Okay- i know my clothes look a mess, i told yall i coulnt match. But this is a pic of my family.


FAMILY

I dont take it lightly that i have 2 parents and a very closely knit family. Sure its small but i like it that way. They live in California, (my dads family lives in the San Francisco bay while my maternal family lives in Los angeles) 1800 miles away. When i called and told them that i couldnt afford to fly out for the holidays- they pitched in and saw to it that i would be able to make it out there.
I talk a lot about my friends- but here are some poeple i dont talk a lot about. The people who call me Alison. Because these are the people who really know me, who changed my diapers, who drove me to school, bought all my girl scout cookies, spanked me, fed me and took me fishing. They are my cheerleaders, my backbone and village. I could go on, but i wont. So here are some pics. I only wish my dad was actually in some of the pics instead of taking them...

My 4 sisters Kara(19), Maiya(13), Charlotte(5), Me(22), Jasmine(10)


My paternal grandmother Emma who is finally beginning to like my hair(not really)



My grandfather stepping out to church in his black leather coat


My youngest sister and I

My aunty V(my dads sister) and I


My sister Kara, me, and cousin Jessica


The sisters, everybody is standing with their hands on their sister. Top l-r (Tiffany(21), my mother(52), Aunt Karyn(50), me;(bottom row l-r) Tiffany(14), aunty eva (85 or something), my grandmother (80) and my younger sister Kara(20)

My childhood home in Carson, CA

i find it hard to say

Christmas was lovely- enjoyed spending time with my family. My family flew me out here for the holidays (and the warm weather). I made it up to the bay to see my dad, aunt, cousins and sisters. I saw some old friends, hung out- etc. Didnt get enough time, but i saw everybody, including christine who just came back from brazil. Greyhounded back to LA at 4am Christmas morning...

Ive been talking to a lot of my friends lately.. They tell me things and im not entirely sure how to respond. People tell me i'm a good listener but i wonder whether its because i dont know what to say back. Pregnancy, rape, a friends brother just committed suicide. What the hell am i 'supposed to say to that? Sorry? Hope things get better? I'm here for you?

Its been bothering me a lot lately. Frustrated that i can't find anything decent to say. Sure they say' oh listening helps' but do they really mean it? Does me sitting on the other end of the phone line with an occasional 'uh huh' really help? I don't offer advice, my cynicism doesnt exactly drip with optimism and then theres silence..

"Alii what should i do??"

I don't know what you should do. I don't know what i should do. I have never been pregnant, my brother has never commited suicide, hell- ive never even had a brother. Since i believe that everything works in relativity, i try to relate, but im still coming up short here... Ive never been one to talk about my own problems-my blog just covers the surface. I cant understand how telling someone what im dealing with would potentially help me feel better. Maybe its becausei dont really try. I just assume no one would understand- so why bother?

And then its back to the phone. I offer hugs and kisses and a sarcastic remark to ease the tension a little. But i just dont think its enough. So perhaps in this new year i can become a better listener and perhaps a better responder. Really speak from my heart. I dont have the answers but im trying my best...

alii

old friends

I've known this girl since i was 7 years old. The reason i joined YPD was because of her. I had a big crush on her, she was the pastors daughter. She never hung out with me- i was too wierd and i wasnt cool like the rest of the girls in Sunday School. So i just watched her from a far.

Shes pregnant now. We talk on the phone a lot. She called me yesterday and we talked for 2 hours. This morning i woke up and found this button of the two of us in elementary school.

Funny how things change over time. What happened to those two little girls?

California Dreaming

Its 78 degrees out.

oh im freezing

brrrr

te he he he

I got 5 on it

2000 five was an amazing year. Heres a recap

Biggest Things I did in 2005
1.Moved To Atlanta
2.Transferred to my third college
3.Made a few friends(thats a big deal- i usually dont make them very easily)
4. Moved into my first place in the West End
5. Got a tattoo

Five New places I went to in 2005
1.Chicago, Illinois
2.Huntsville, Alabama
3.Chattanooga, Tennessee
4. Richmond, Virginia
5. Bankhead

Five things I learned to Do
1. Drive(Thanks Shan, Angel and Moya)
2. Greyhound from Atlanta to Chicago
3. Twist my own hair
4. Shake my laffy taffy
5. Master the smarta marta

5 things I learned at Spelman
1. People watching at market fridays
2. The difference between the library and club woody
3. The first line of the school song
4. How to walk the strip(and slide between the holes in the fence to get to the library)
5. The Womens Center is the best place in the whole entire school

Five Things I love about the West End
1. Historic West End
2. West End Kroger/ Goodwill
3. "Hello my beautiful queen' when i walk to school
4. My neighbors who greet me
5. The little kids that call me ma'am

Five things I hate about the West End
1.Gentrification(i saw a white couple jogging with their golden retriever')
2. The West End Bank of America, Wachovia and SouthTrust
3.Too many fast food restuarants and they all sell chicken
4. Can't get food delivered
5. Poverty

Five favorite songs of 2005(okay some are a little problematic)
1. Some Cut
2.Touch
3.Gold digger
4.Kryptonite
5. La Tortura

Five most memorable events of 2005
1.Meeting Jocelyn and Angel in the middle of the night in Decatur
2. Hip Hop conference in Chicago
3. April 6th
4. Battle of the Bands
5. Summer in the Bay

Five things I love about Atlanta
1.All the beautiful black people
2. MJQ's
3.Driving through downtown and listening to Luda
4.Queergrrls
5.Everybody knows each other

It was a crazy year, im leaving hella shit out. It was amazing, better than i could have asked. I met the people i needed to meet, learned new things about myself. I didn't know what to expect but it was prolly one of the most interesting years of my life.

I'm leaving for Cali tomorrow. So i dont know when ill be back on.

For everyone who reads my blog have a blessed Holidays. And god bless
-alii

C(alii)

so i tried to stick it out here for xmas break, but i have just barely enough money to fly back to LA and the Bay. I'm elated. not because i love california(trust i dont) or that i hate atlanta, im just happy to be geting there.

After a long ordeal of trying to get this evil woman at the fulton county welfare office to give me food stamps, i finally got them. 270.00. It was followed by a trip to Whole Foods where i purchased organic fish, fruits and Bolthouse Green Juice. Now that i have mine- i have also convinced 6 other people to get them...

Went to see brokeback mountain. Didn't really want to go(i feel 8.50 is too much to see a movie that will eventually be on DVD for 3.75). The theatre was so packed we had to sit in the very front row-never again(unless you want to be dizzy with a neckache).

Nothing interesting- im supposed to be working on a paper.

be back later

papers

got some due, workin hard, workin hard

stuff. updates.

1. So BET did a special on hip hop. Like i said- im notlike a real hip hop head or nothing. I mean, i do care, understand that those images affect us all as black women,understand that its an artform we created thus we must ty to presearve it, understand its origins blah blah blah. Its hard to be optimistic, I'm not in love with hip hop. I don't have a running list of DJ's in my head, havn't been to most of the clubs in Atlanta or the Bay, don't go to underground music shops and ask the disc nigga about the latest this song or that. I can't freestyle, nor do i have any desire to. I own like 5 cd's most of the music i download. I falied at Hip Hop. like on some "F-" shit.
Yesterday one of my friends Malika had a warrior princess retreat. It was supposed to be a small spa retreat in her brand new apartment(its quite nice). aroiund 15 black women ranging from age 21-53 showed up, in interesting mix of people, A 21 year old who is putting out a new cd soon, a few activists, a young woman from Kenya who aspires to one day be the president of her country, a 51 year old spelman sophmore who writes naughty cards, a 24-y/o film producer, and emory grad student, a temple grad student, a harvard grad student graduate who is retuning to the A. a fellow classmate, some recent spelman, clark, clayton state grads, people/s cousins etc... My point is, it was quite a nice mix of people. or really my point is that i have met sooooo many black women since i got to Atlanta. I mean granted i go to aschool with 2000+ black women but damn.

THere is a queergrrls party at my house for new years. It sounds like it will be interesting, prolly a smaller turnout because of the number of new years parties going down. I'm excited, especially since i can drink as much as i want to because i dont have to drive home.hehhehe. (small pleasures)

i prolly wont make it back to cali this holiday season, im saving all my money toward january's rent and going back there will cost upwards of 500 dollars which is more than my rent)I'm a little saddened, i really wantewd to see my parents my aunts and my grandparents. THey really mean a lot to me and i know they'll be disappointed. Tierany and possibly amber and I may do something on christmas, or end up at one of our professors houses.

Okay thats enough of this..

So i'm not really into hip hop discourse.

BUT

Our dear friend Sienna Penderhughes(and i think some other students) will be on Cousin Jeff's Chronicle show talking about hip hop. So I think you should watch, even just to support her(them).

It comes on 7:30pm ET/PT(right after 106&Park) on our beloved network BET

hope you enjoy,
alii