A little homesick (02478)

Sometimes i get homesick- like when I see Boston on TV or when I asked Jazmine this morning for a strahrw. I can instantly hear Downtown Boston, the load hard accents, the snowplows scraping the streets, the 'T' screeching on the tracks, the way the coins hit the bus fair box, the sirens that go off when theres a snowday, the smell of clam chowda, the taste of whole clams(not to be confused with clam strips), the feel of snow creeping into my rubber boots...

my childhood, frozen in time

I want ot go back so bad...

Pride can be so anticlimatic

just like anything really, spring break, 21st birthdays, graduation, life...

Like you know how you and your friends spend hours getting your hair ready, trying on 5 different outfits and putting on makeup b4 going to the club and then when you get there its like...why was it more fun getting ready with your friends than the club itself. Maybe it was the anticipation....or maybe its just me.

It's always, i can't wait to go to pride! There's gonna be HELLA girls, and we gonna be out partying all night long, its gonna be fuckin bananas!!

And then pride comes...and then it goes.and yeah..or maybe its just me

It wasnt prides' fault this year that it rained all weekend which made me want to be around the homos even less than i ordinarily do. And neither do i mean to say that i dont have fun.I just think that a lot of times over anticipation leads to disappointent.

but sometimes joy pops out when you least expect it. And thats what keeps me from being too pessimistic.

This pride i went to two great house parties and spent some time with Alysia and her sisters. I didnt make it to the park, or the club or even the parade.

It was my favorite pride ever.

Suga suga, That's my sista

She said sprinkle me sprinkle me..

(For real that song came out 11 years ago? Who knew that the highlight of my trip to the bay would be hearing E-40 blasting in downtown oakland)

The girl under the sprinkler is my littlest sister. Six year olds can appreciate a sprinkler on a hot day. A six year old can, in the middle of the day and without warning, run upstairs, find her bathing suit at the bottom of her drawer and throw it on in less than 60 seconds with the suggestion that she may be able to go outside. Said kindergarten gradute can, with all her strength, pull a woman twice her weight and 4 times her age outside to enjoy the sprinkler with her...


Sure we have mothers day and fathers day-maybe ill create me a holiday just for sisters and it isnt limited to biological sisters. She's not heavy, she's my sister...

(Peep the gold slippers with the tube socks, thats what i'm talkin about :))

East Point and we gone

Today i woke up early- because I was supposed to go to East Point library and teach this class. It takes an hour on the marta to get there from where I stay. Its a fucking ridiculous commute but thats besides the point.

I just barely missed the bus- i ran- with my best track skills combined with my arthritic knees and tried to catch it but failed. Just choked in the brown exhaust it blew in my face.

Theres no recourse- had to wait 20 minutes for the next one.

I sat on the train angry at myself, watching the minutes tick by resisting hearing shoulda coulda wouldas in my head. When i got to the train, the station was installing their breeze system forcing me to walk around the entire opposite end of the station just to get out...insult to injury right? I dont make excuses but I' hate when i mess up. I sat there on the train nervous- for being late and about teaching this class by myself. I got there- they were all there, ready to learn. Out of breath i started my course.

It's all over and the only thing i can do at this point is do better next time.

I fdont know how my teach for america roomate teaches everyday to second graders. I would kill myself.

look i'm online

I'm so tired. Tomorrow i have to get on that plane. Flying takes a lot of mental energy for me- i'm so afraid of flying. I might try to get drunk and pass out- thats what i usually do.

Tomorrow ill get to see family. My cuz is graduating stanford. Favorite is already out there, im dying to take her around the 'town'. And ill get to see how hyphy Angel has gotten since she moved there a year ago to this month.

Bay food, bay music, east bay, bay weather, bay views, bay clubs, bay gays and bay fam.

sincerely yours

Sunday i had the fortune of hanging out with some people i havnt spent time with in a looong time. We had fun- danced. I met my twin. A young woman from South Carolina who looks eerily similar to me and also mannerisms.

Speaking of sisters- i get to see them...alll of them this weekend. I love my sisters. I am so blessed. I also get to see my paretns(both of them) grandparents, aunties...a mini 5 day family reunion.

Work is tiring, i'm really looking forward to going on this break. And thouhg i love it and enjoy the patrons, sometimes i feel like i'm on the verge of burning out. Sometimes its like my patience is being set on fire,

Alysia came by and latchooked my hair all up so that i can resume jumping into the pool every 3 days without all my hair unraveling.

I'm back in glasses. I'm trying to save up to go to the optometrist and get a new prescription so that i can actually see.

I'm moving soon- from my beautiful West end neighborhood to a not yet determined location- prolly inman square or that neighborhood. Its going to be a hard parting- the west end-my room w/ fireplace and porch. So many memmries and friends who came through there. And my roomate.,,

Oh Kathy griffin is on- gotta go

Ali's Sun

I havnt been blogging lately mostly because its been so nice out. That hot humid Georgia heat is starting to creep in and i walk around in shorts and tanks, my brow wet with sweat, the stearing wheel burning my hands. It isnt hot enough for that air condition but just give me a few weeks.
My skin is starting to get that black girl summer glow, and being someone who is a (not-so) undercover nudist, its giving me an excuse to walk around in nearly nothing.

Last week we jumped in the pool with Alysia. Floated on our backs and let the water hit our hair. My(our) hair is starting brush the top of my back and i can even put most of it back..(okay 80%- im still working with the bobby pins.) They've come a long way. Sometimes i contemplate coming them out then i remeber my natural hair and how much maintenance it took to keep it out my face. I really hate hair being in my face- sometimes i used to swat at my bangs thinking they were bugs flying in my face...

Work is lovely. I find myself enjoying teaching classes- its not so bad. I taught a class in East Point Atlanta to 8 seniors who were crunk as hell to be on the computer. They were a great bunch 7 ladies 1gentlemen. Since school is out, i been looking for another job. This morning i had an interview for a postition(another library) that i semi want though the pay is good and there are benefits. There were 100 applicants for 2 positions and they finish interviews on Monday. My interview went alright, they asked me like 4 questions, ( what do you plan to do with your degree? how do you go about establishing credibility within your new work enviroment? give an example of a time you were detail oriented? and two more about previous jobs i had.) I gave answers, i was excitied because i had a similar position at the Berkeley Public Library so most of what the job required i had already done before. One of the interviwers seemed interested, the other one, looked like she was not feeling me at all. So i dont know how well i did. I hope i didnt come off as insincere or a know it all. I talked more than i usually do.

The Gemini JAM Birthday party turned out to be a lot of fun. i was stressed as usual, hoping that the BBQ pit wouldnt blow up or someone break a window or some other freak accident. Alysia and I started the evening with a watermelon seed spitting contest though we promptly ended when we realized that the white people were eyeing us suspiciously.

the rest of the night was music, spades and bbq boca burgers. It was great seeing people and i have a few pics to put up.

So thats been my week

i'll be in cali soon-seeingfamily and old friends

life is good today

TO MY FAVORITE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Until I can save up for a new one, ol trusty by my side

If you cant be with the one you love

Love the one your with

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...

so shes gone again. Washinton DC stole her for the weekend, Its quiet, its lonely- great time for introspection. I guess.

Moya has about 200 friends(exagerration but not really)- thats about 195 more than i do. I've never had many friends, i usually pick up maybe 1 or two good ones whenever i move. Moving to Atlanta proved to be interesting. In a 4 year college with 2000 other black women. A bit overwhelming.

So in January of 2005, I wandered into her room like a stray dog looking for some company. I knew her only as the girl who had been nice to me at lunch despite my ackward attempts at small talk. She invited me in and we talked and i knew i had a friend...

So i had one whole friend. I was happy. And besides, with my one friend i had already met 50% of my friend quota.

time went by, i went from being nobody to 'that girl whose always with Moya'. Her friends had their suspicions about me...(um moya, who is this girl and does she actually talk??)... A few befriended me- like Alysia. Some were just nice to me out of politeness. But they were still and always will be, her friends. I have never consdeed her friends to necessarily be my friends but sometimes being around all the time them gives me the illusion that they are.

I guess what im trying to say is that when moya leaves, its like she takes all her friends with her. Like the Verizon network. And sometimes i get lonely. Like today when the phone never really rang, exceptmy mom. I sat and watched some tv, ate and thought about the 4 friends i really have and called them.

theres no point to this blog entry except to say that i really miss her. and that i need to make some friends- though im not really great at it. When i asked moya how to make friends, she laughed her usual gentle laugh and replied, 'well you can start by answering your phone when one of them calls you'.'and if by chance you actually talk to them, stop putting the phone on speaker and saying uh huh every 7 seconds while watching tv'

really moya..that easy?

ain't no sunshine when she's gone/ and she's always gone too long/anytime she goes away

I interrupt your day to announce...

I have a gray hair!!!

I was washing my hair just getting ready to pin it up and i ran across this little sucker. I am 23 years old! not 73. I immediately called my dad to complain. ..he just laughed like it was the funniest shit in the world. He claims he never saw a gray hair on his head until he was well into his 30's. I then called my mom to see if she gave me the defective early silver gene. no luck there. As i continued pinning my hair, i found 3 more!

Well are you gonna pluck it? she asked...

Naw,

it's kinda cute. sittin up there all by itself. Looking all confused. she is the wise one. and besides gray hair is like natures highlights...

:)

thats all,

me

Up above ma' head, I hear music in de air

There must be a God somewhere...

Moya left for the week. I forget how much of a friend she is to me sometimes, and when shes gone, I'm lost fumbling around like a lost monkey. A pathetic site to behold. But she came back...small miracles.

I was driving my friends car the other night. The tire blew out on Peachtree. After arguing with crackheads for 25 minutes as one of them picked it up and tried to resale the hubcap back to me for 5.00, I managed to get the car into a drivethrough. Lucky for me- there were two lovely young men around 22 years of ag (complete with white tees and gold teeth)who helped me crank the car up high enough to change the tire. Sometimes in the midst of things, I forget about that good southern comfort. And thanlks to my dad who again bailed me out of a potential disaster..

Alysia graduated and treated us to maggianos. Yum yum. I'm so very happy for her as I await my own march down that isle...

This blog aint finished but i gotta go.

peace

Take that David Blaine

Awww early Georgia spring

so yes im late to get on the bandwagon

my coworkers/teammates managed to get me onto ebay.

Thus began the end of my life.
Skeptical at first(um how do i know these fools are going to send this shit?, and exactly how does the payment work? ) I called my dad to get the go ahead. ( I trust that he wouldntset me up to be the victim of identity theft)

-I have purchased a set of balls to
juggle with $.99

-a pair of abercrombie khaki pants that actually fit my short legs 1.59

-11 pairs of stud earrings from claires $.99

-Block Party SDTK for $.99(and i never buy cd's...thats what limewire is for)

-a spelman shirt for$.79

-a brandnew navy blue polo shirt $9.00

not doing so bad. This solves a few of my problems...not having money, my intense hatred of malls. I like the idea of paying 5 dollars to some 13 year old white girl who shoplifted a polo from the hollister store in colorado. Its an industry i dont mind supporting.

Now im searching around my house looking for stuff to sell off...

So i have this job which puts me on the computer for about 5 hours out of the day and gives me ample time to follow auctions. I've learned the art of getting on ebay and stealing something 15 seconds before the auction ends. Evil villain laugh....

im pleased to say, everything came in under 6 days...usually 3 days. Nothing looked like it had been malled(sp). The clothes generally fit. No complaints yet...well maybe the shipping charges.

So ive dedicated this year to stepping out my comfort zones. Why not. When my friends and I were talking along the pool, my diving coach, used to walk behind us and push usinto the water talkin bout the water is yout friend.
Muthafucka
but the 6 times in gym were enough to demystify the water. At least for me to dive into it backwards


Since January ive been trying to remove the word 'can't(usually disguised as im not the kinda person who will...") and just going for it. Today was another step. I facilitated a discussion at school. 4 students. Small step.

I'm have patience for days yet when it comes to myself...

This month has taken me all over the place. From female breakers, to Spelman's 125th. From down jackets to a bikini. Agnes Scott to Emory to Pam's bros house. My first anti war march followed by the march for women. I went to a Common concert, helped Dr. McFadden cook Tofu and sipped wine and absolut vodka. Taught 3 different classes at the library, went to a pool party and tanned at Candler Park. And all that shit was free.

April- makes me feel so aliiiive!

For the first time iin a long time im feeling optimistic.

misunderstandings

I'm not quiet. Moya will tell you thatI talk to much. That i never shut the hell up. Funny how that is.

She likes people- Im sort of indifferent to them. I dont always understand why we get along.

Its been so warm out. I'm starting to tan. I got my first mosquito bite.
Took another journey through Atlanta on a bus. Ended up at a pool prty with 400 pther people. But I left after realizing it wasnt my scene. Theres much power in realizing that you dont want to be someplace and leaving. Not that i'm one to stick around or linger...

My insomnia is back which is why im typing this

There isnt a such thing as news anymore

I've had to take a lot of pictures off my site because its taking too long to load. Its unfortunate because I cant write.

I revisited my past today because Boston is smaller that Atlanta.

The tetris game on my phone is more addictive than crack/myspace

Sometimes the hardest thing is dealing with myself.

Easter is tomorrow. When i was younger I told my Sunday school teacher that I didnt understand Jesus. To this day, I've never gotten a good answer. Easter doesnt make any sense to me. And i know it should.

I need to get my eyebrows done. I look like a grizzly bear.

Its 3am

to Spelman on her 125th

Pearl Cleage began her poem asking the sudience to reflect on their first day of Spelman. To remember coming in as first years and walking through the gates. Moving into their first dorms. It was a beautiful poem. My first day of Spelman involved me wandering around Five Points MARTA station asking how to get to Spelman. Which bus to take. I remeber it was a cold January morning and all I had was a flier that said come to orientation. I didnt have housing, or a place to live, just the admission letter and 1000 my dad had given me to find a place to live. The bus driver missed my stop and gave me a pass to turn around and go the other direction. I wandered through what I thought was Spelman which was actually Clark. School hadnt started so the campus was ghost. I squeezed my tiny body through the gates and found Cosby.

I found my way to lower level Cosby- hte girl politely handed me a transfer packet. 6 pages long and handed me a folder for my parents. I told them my parents werent able to come and she was like 'well thats okay'. I walked in the room with 15 other girls and their parents and sat in the back row. I was sad, though not that much. I was grown. For the first time I was anxious. With no place to live or my parents I was suddenly scared of getting lost. When the nurse pulled me aside and said i needed health clearance. I told her that I had no idea where my vaccination record was. She looked at me and told me that I would not be able to stay on campus in emergency housing until I retook those 12 shots. Thr shouts were going to cost 500.00 if i got them done at Spelman. She suggested I go to College Park and get them all done for 200.00. Yeah, but where the hell is College Park and I dont have a car.

Thats not what stands out in my mind about my first day. Another girl from Ohio needed to get some shots too. she and her entire family had driven down from Cincinatti to drop her off. Her mother saw the nurse talking to me and she asked me if i needed a rided to the clinic in college park. I said, sure. We squeezed in her car and drove down to the first clinic. They were closed. Droce to the second clinic, they didnt have the meningitis shot. Drove to the third, and the mother ,a pharmecutical saleswoman for Merck, somehow managed to talk the nurses into staying just a little longer so that we could get our shots. When she saw me counting cash, she instructed me to pay as much as I could and she would pay for the rest. I put down 100 she put down 200. And she didnt even know me

Spelman College turned 125 today. 5 generations 9 presidents. Still educating Black women. 125 thats old but thats young. in 1981- the school turned 100. I look at old pictures in the archives, stare at Harriet Giles old faded journals and listen to the hollow steps of Rockafeller. I see pictures of my old dorm room in old pictures and think about the women before me. Maybe thats just me- I am in love with history. But it means something to me....

Spelman College, this is not the Oscars
Yesterday the college hosted its grand celebration at the Ocean Ballroom of the brand spanking new Georgia Aquarium. It was 250.00 a head. Moya, with some strategic planning, managed to sneak me in through the backdoor and seat me at a table in the front row between Susan Taylor and Mc Lyte.
Words cant describe the venue.( I'll try my best to describe it in words becaue my shoes made my feet hurt and low batteries made it impossbile to walk around and get good images) The walls were actually fishtanks to the aquarium so every so often a big beluga whale or giant sea turtle would float past. The stage had a cascading waterfall with the Spelman logo projected onto it. The ceiling would change color throughout the night while maintaining this beautiful sea Blue. There were video feeds and closed captioning. A five course meal with wine. I recieved a gift bag with signature Spelman pen and other goodies.

Mostly alums in their shimmery dresses. Felt like a bougies ass prom. It was supposed to run from 7:30-10pm. yet it didnt start until 9pm and lasted until 12am. I'm sure theyll have pictures on the website soon. but here are a few of my own.

Don't save her, she dont wanna be saved"

Ooooh its sooooo hot.
I'm burning up down here.

(As I put down my glass of sweet tea while sitting on my porch)

Let me cool down and jump in a pool.

naaaw

Ill just listen to the birds chirp, the bees buzz and call all my friends in the 50 degree areas and ask them to send some sunscreen.

Is that mean?hehhehehehhe

So i went to my first protest. Despite living in the bay where the anti war marches can easily top 500,000 people, i have never actually participated in one. Being the crab that i am, i decided to ditch my shell and join in. Of course my camera had to come along.
Overall the march was good. Eye opening. It went through low income areas which was real difficult for me to deal with. On the one hand- us, the marchers were marching through the streets yelling 'this is what democracy looks like!!' while some o the poorer residents stood outside and watched us. Some marchers ignored the residents, while others waved at them like they were in a parade(white people be killin me sometimes!). Part of me wishes we hadnt marched through those areas while another part of me feels like we needed to see that area. But while were yelling stop the war in iraq, there were problems as close as the uneven pavement we walked on.

If you are wondering what some of these pics are.
Mostly friends and other BLACK people(i want to make sure to note that WE were there.) If you were wondering what happened to Ms. Scott-King, she is resting peacefully at the king center. Some pics are of us marching through the neighborhoods. One is of Sarah making a speech. and the rest you just gotta figure out for yourself.
-alii

My camera be misbehavin

and im pissed because it was during toni cade when it decided to break.

So i didnt get those good papparatzi shots

some i was able to salvage.

(aren't we just a colorful bunch?)

Toni Cade

is over
big sigh of relief.
Tired, wore-out, jaded.

New faces, old faces. Family reunion style complete with the kids.

So what does Spelman mean to me? What does activism mean to me? Havnt quite figured it out yet. Another stop on the road?
Yawn...I'm so sleepy.

:)

Retracting my statement

So after a heart to heart with Angelita-who told me i needed to go ahead and calm down about waering professional attire, i have reached a happy medium. I mean- can you really be taken seriously in a pair of jeans? ( i think so but hey, what does society think). I still need to invsest in a pesonal shopper. THe kind that will shop for me while i stay home and watch bad reality tv.

or maybe someone can submit me to what not to wear- i would not be offended- all them free clothes.

I really dont have much to say today

Since were ever growing.here are some things i did this week for the first time.

Went to Sonics (Apparently they are all the rage in Ark., I never been to one)
Watched a tape of the Big Mama convocation that i keep hearing about (made me smile)
Drove to a part of Atlanta I have never been, in the pouring rain
Discoved a new route through Atlanta
Ate Pizza at Leroys on Edgewood
Went to the nerdiest AUC party...it was so great
Drank grey goose and coke, (yeah i dont know what i was thinking either)
bought my lunch to work
Got called out on wearing jeans to work
Ran into India at a healthfood store during one of my toasted seaweed binges




not very exciting but thats really whats going on with my life.

Other than that- the weather is beautiful, the cicadas(sp?) are busy humming again and im finally beginning to get some sleep! I filed my tax return and now im getting a little pocket change, Moya made it back safely from Cali and they have new MARTA machines that wont spit out my dollar!

Small pleasures

Rent-A-Negro

The animated Ms. Ayo
O' girl came to school

she was cool. I wasnt crazy about the book( i found it a bit repetitive, i think her website was good on its own) but I did enjoy listening to her talk about interactive art.


for more info visit www.rent-a-negro.com (though im sure everyone who is reading this already has)

This concludes my blog entry for today

TGI Fridays

TriniTracy and I enjoy the sun

I got that sleep. Today I woke up and went to the Auburn Avenue Research Library on a behind-the-scenes-tour of the Archives. Perhaps i'm the only one who would prolly get geeked about some mess like that but still, I was excited.

I came back on the MARTA to find that they had replaced those old machines with these new-easy-breezy machines. My mood was elevated. Feeling blessed, I put on a hijab and went to jumu'ah with my friend. Havn't set foot in a mosque since i was 17.

Came back to Spelman. A bright sunny day. Music was playing, people were out. Saw some friends, danced a little. Well that was my day, here are some pictures.

Me and Moses IV

Some boy, Elisheba, Tracy, Sarah WooWoo and Josh Ty-SUN!

The beautiful Brittani and Sandile

Me and D

My sis Janelle and I

Still trying to catch that sleep

Sleep monsters came to visit me last night. I had to get up early this morning.
Last night i was shivering in the bed, last night i was so hot i was sweating. Cold sweat.
Anxiety kept me awake. I stared at the wall- trying to force myself to sleep but my body did not submit. House dead quiet with the sounds of early morning traffic. That shit almost drove me crazy. Woke up(except i wasnt really sleeping in the first place)- not quite functional as i slipped through the gates to get into the marta. THe machine wouldnt except my dollar. Standing in my finest business attire and boots, I told the machine to go fuck himself.

Long day- met with my team for work. Toured, talked, ate pizza. I forget how much i love libraries. Yeah the private sector pays and academic librarys can control the population it lets in. But theres nothing like the accessibilty of the public library. What other institution lets anybody just walk in? Not that thats always a good thing, but it makes for a colorful experience. And people in Atlanta never fail to make me smile-deep down in the usually stubburn part of my heart.

"What if we get shot"- said the white man

I want to take a nap but im scared. I'm tryin catch my sleepiness in my bones until tonight so I can release myself into a hard slumber. I want to sleep so hard my joints ache and my legs are cramped and theres an indent from the pillow on the side of my face in the morning. Like starving yourself before you go out to eat.

I want to be so sleepy that I stumble into the bed like an old drunk man on the lawn.

Ice Breaker

I'm supposed to be twisting my hair.

But my mind kept dreaming about Cold Stone Sweet Cream with strawberry and coconut mix-ins.


Yummmmmmmm.

Atlanta strippuh booty

Last night after a quick stop at D'jangos and a few U-turns on Ponce, we(as in me and the ubiquitous 'her') found ourselves at MJQs for a little 5 dolla fun.

(Un)lucky for us, Jeezy had similar plans.

Damn

So with Jeezy came in, a whole set of ATL 'lean wit it rock wit it' classics. Included in this set was Ms. New Booty by Bubba Spaaarrrxxxx. This song is a hot mess. There are so many things wrong with it that i rather not analyze it(I'm acting as though my blog ever examines serious issues). So of course its also my new favorite song.


boty booty booty...

(Dont mind the visual- just listen to the song. Thanks M, for letting me rip that link)

The song started and all of a sudden, every girl in hte club was shakin that ass. I turned around and looked helplessly at my ass wondering why it didnt bounce. My eyes looked back at the floor- all the black girrls with their tight jeans tucked into their boots, ass moving up and down- side to side. I was green with envy

Is it wrong to want an Atlantastripperbooty? I mean specifically Atlanta booty-because an atlanta booty moves like none other. When no ones looking, I practice in the mirror. I still aint got it yet. I have a few frineds who are strippers, I asked them how they did it. They told me it comes with time and to practice by holding on to something. Still no success.

sigh-

Oddly enough the video is about buying a stripper ass in a box.

Its like they can read my mind!

Abstracts from a free write

When I was younger I used to take gymnastics. Handstands . In high school my english teacher was the diving coach, he convinced me to come try out for the diving team. I couldnt swim. But i made the team. I didnt do it though- I had to run track. I miss Ice Hockey. I sometimes scan through it, remember what it was like to skate in my schools ice rink with a stick in my hand. Freshman year of H.S. i wanted to try out speed skating, but the skates were 2000 dollars. I couldnt afford it. So i tried out for field hockey. Made that team- got to wear a skirt, that i used to make shorter by rolling up the top. First hat trick, 3rd game. It happens in threes.

I cut my hair off to the song liberation. End of july in the time of leo. My half permed half natural hair fell toward the ground and i just stared at it. Considered saving it but didnt want to accumulate more junk. I stood looking at my hair- staring at the strange curls that i had not seen since middle school. They looked back at me kinda scared. I quickly cornrolled them to hide them but like they always had before, they climbed out the braids in defiance. I brough t my hair over too oh my nappy hair in Oakland, CA, right next to the lake. The woman looked at my hair and said its gonna take awhile.

Commitment. I have a hard time with commitment. I have a hard time understanding i cant be impulsive and do what i want to when i want to. I interviewed for a job. I think i may have gotten it. They want a one year commitment. I really want the job, I dont want the commitment. Taking the job will force me to stay in Atlanta for another year. keyword force. Since when can one dictate to you where you need to stay and what you need to do. I was not a defiant child-my mom let me do what i wanted. Commitment is like tying a ballon to a rock. its for the enjoyment/comfort of others.

I joined myspace today.
I read about Ilyasah Shabazz
i ate lunch with delaine
i walked the two miles to school and stopped at the library.
I talked to a few people at school.
I walked to the MARTA

I spy(with my own eyes)

Good morning west end- shot from my window at 7 am.



Shopping for my first suit- i did not end up buying this one...



Moya being a grad student


Fired up after an Ella Baker Lecture

Today my blog turned 1

The very beginning

Oh how so much has changed...

or not.

Random

I'm listening to songs from the Wiz. Can you /feel a/ Brand New Day??

Depending on who you were the party was either fun, or funny. or painful (LOL as i snicker). So sad was it that i spent half the time hiding in the kitchen. In the least, I was amused.

That must have been amoung the worst parties I have ever attended. I dont think party planning is anywhere in my future. People came sat down and then left. I think the fact that i looked scared everytime someone walked in should have said something. At some point I managed to get everyone out of the party only to be joined by a second wave of people.Dammit(why did they have to come?). Then i went in my room and talked on the phone while i forced the party guests to ackwardly mingle with each other.

(why do i find that so funny? I'm sure they werent laughing)

I was so happy when it was over(11pm).

I'm so glad my sister was at the party, I laughed until tears were coming out my eyes. I think if she wasnt there i would have cried for real. Her and Moya tried their best to help, theyre so great.

My tv strike is over- i finally got to watch project runway. I didnt watch the superbowl-im guessing that seattle didnt win, (my seattle born roommate seemed extra depressed).

But life goes on/and so do we/

my next party will be a barbque in the middle of the day. I think the people who suffered through my party will be scared to come.

LOL.

i'm so terrible.

1:45 am

it aint late. I want to be sleep already. My sisters plane comes in at 5:03 in the morning. I dont want to drive tired. WHY THE HELL IS SHE FLYING IN THIS DAMN EARLY? I'm too excited to go to sleep. I looked at some of the rum in the refridgerator but i decided not to drink it.

I got plenty planned for her this weekend. Toni Cade meeting, my birthday party, Body Positive, a movie, dinner and a second b-day party. She just turned 21 a few weeks ago so shes even legal too.

Well yesterday they switched my phone over to my t-mobile phone, which i dont have yet. I woke up, tried to use my old phone..didnt work. My t-mobile phone comes in later today. I spent the day being out of touch which wasnt nearly as bad as i had imagined. Except when my mom tried to call.

My sister emailed me and told me i needed to call my mom asap. But i didnt have a phone and my phonecard was acting up. Turns out that my sister friend from childhood delivered her baby. The baby is 1 pound. This same girl called me last night around 8pm and i didnt pick up. I feel guilty. I'm glad shes okay, but one pound? I'm worried about her, i cant really call her, but i wish i could be there to comfort her.

Beautiful took me out to eat on my birthday. What y'all know about that Atlanta Fish Market?

Damn- im still not tired?

DAMMIT!

Insomnias a bitch!

Woe is me, I have a penis

Peace be Still

For the rest of the week, I am not watching anymore TV. After watching the President's State of the Union address, Flava of Luv, 25 most #$^%&-&* moments in Black History (which i only watched 3 minutes of), CNN, C-Span, i think my senses have gone numb. I no longer respond to shit on tv, and i dont care. Cables nice- but is it really?

Sure im going to miss Idol, Project Runway, Daily Show and some of my other favorite shows but i think its a small sacrifice for my sanity.

Since i drive more now, I listen to the radio and hear the same 10 songs- Krypotnite, Golddigger, Shake that Laffy Taffy, Shake Skake, I'm in luv wit a strippuh, Here we go, Fresh Azimiz,Grillz, Yo(excuse me miss),Unpredictable....and i actually used to like a few of these songs. The radios going off too.

Delaine came back yesterday, gave me the daily report on the people she encountered on the MARTA, at her job. She told us about the store owners in Bankhead and how much they disliked black people. It ain't just George Bush. Yes I know people hate us. I know we are amoung the most hated group in the us and in the world. But sometimes being at Spelman in the womens center, youre sheltered from it, even if just for a few hours a day. At least you can trust the people there, and even more significant, they trust you back. Thats unusual.

Saturday is my birthday party- im really excited. I think it will be fun. My younger sister is coming early friday. I love her.

I thought about Alabama last night. Spending time with Dorothella's family in her quiet Alabama property. I began to miss it. And im not even from there.

Take a deep breath.

Todays my mother birthday. Today i switched from Sprint to T-Mobile, Today I have class. Today I walked 2 miles, Today I'm going to take the MARTA to school, Today I promise that ill take care of myself, Today i'll retun a few phone calls and plan for this party.

Today- is today-is today.

alii

January 30, 2006

So today I turned 23

God is Good
(all the time)

on menstruating on a tampon string budget *tmi*

So during one of my trips to Charis books in Atlanta, the feminist book store which is one of the few times i come in contact with white lesbians in atlanta (I have lived in Atlanta one year and I know the name of one whole white lesbian-she goes to Agnes Scott)

Amongst the books about pussy liberation and lesbian sex guides, there is a little corner devoted to eco-friendly menstruation...

WHAT!!!

So some of the appeal is that it is enviromentally friendly, no bleaching, cost effective blah blah blah. But somehow the sound of a reusable pad or a reusable tampon simply aren't appealing to me. I'm just saying.

And then of course my inital shock turned into curiosity. Well maybe its not such a bad idea. Maybe it would be cheaper. I mean- I started when I was 11.

So that was almost 12 years ago.

Quick calculations
12 years -2 years that i was running and severly underweight =10 years.
10 years x 12 periods a year =120 periods
120 x $4 dollars =$ 480


So in the last 12 years- ive spent almost $500.00 well that is minus the ones i stole out of our gym 'red box', from friends, from the store(okay i shoplifted them a few times), school nurse, overzealous period activists who shall not be named but somehow intergrate their cycles into random conversations and love their womenhood.

(Okay maybe i've spent about 100 dollars. But still, you get the point.)

So among these eco-friendly products there is the Diva Cup and the Keeper. They look like little pocket-size bathroom plungers. They are supposed to be like tampons but im a little scared. I'm sure they work wonderful- and perhaps i'll spend the 35.00 dollars to purchase one

...maybe not.





Then theres a sea sponge. I first heard about this from one of my overly feminist friends back in berkeley who swore by them. She would buy them from the Berkeley Bowl and go right home and adjust it a bit. She said they workied like a charm- as she offered me one. I said hell no. Yes its natural, yes the salt content of the ocean is the same as your body, yes the ocean is pulled by the moon which has a 28 day cycle just like your period. Yes I see how metaphysically this shit is supposed to be deep. Yet everytime i tried to picture it, all i could imagine were barnicles and seahorses growing inside the uterus.

Which brings me to the moon inspired Luna Pads. These are re-usable pads that come in packs of 5-7. They're supposed to be made of flannel which sounds a little like vagina pajamas. These are a bit expensive retailing at about 85.00 dollars. They sound a little extra- but i perhaps in the long run- i could save some money.



In other words- im sure these products are wonderful. I'm sure that they even work better than other products. I'm sure i shouldnt be supporting Tampax. Im sure of a lot of things- yet very unsure about these.

I'm feelin a bit...

SCARED

So if youve tried some of these products, or your best friend has tried them, let a sista know. Anonymous responses are completely fine...

I understand

I Spy

Secret Toni Cade Planning Meeting

on socializing(and other shit im bad at)

"What was your first impression of me?" I ask

"Um, you were kinda standoffish",
"i didnt think you liked me",
"There was like this wall..."
"I just thought you didn't like people..."

You get the point.

I'm socially awkward.

Last night:
SCENE
Friend's 28th birthday party. Cakesbycoko and champaign and chocolate covered strawberries served on clear plastic plates. Beautiful home complete with a dog and plenty of baby pictures to swoon at.
THE CROWD
age: 21-35?
race: All black except 2 or 3 white women
sexuality: 75%-90% were les/bi/queer/not quite straight(this is an approximation based on my gaydar and subsequent friendster visit for follow up)
hair: 60%had locs, if not more, mostly natural.
mixed education varying from never been to college to grad students

Translation- these people were more or less like me and theres nothing to be afraid of

so what happened was. I got to the party and i immediately was drawn to the fireplace. I called myself keeping warm when in fact i was scared to go talk to anyone. I'm the partygoer who is likely to find a seat somewhere and keep myself busy with food, only occasionally leaving my nesting area to get more food. If theres no food- then i am just as likely to find a magazine, look at family pictures or go outside and talk on my cell phone until my required stay at party time has elapsed. Usually 1.5 hours. You see, i've got it down to a science.

Well everything was going according to plan until that social butterfly moya caught wind of my plan. Outraged and insensitive to my social disorder, she made up a game. She challenged me to rack up as many 'social points' as i could.

0.5 for saying 'hello'
2.0 for an introduction lasting longer than 10 seconds
4.0 points for a conversation lasting longer than 2 minutes
1.0 point per minute of additional conversation

simple enough right?

Well no. You see when i'm nervous, i start blushing and laugh. My first attempts of trying to be social resulted in me stumbling around the party laughing and scaring/concerning the surrounding party members.

second attempt- i very awkwardly and conspicuously joined a conversation about holistic spas on the couch. I didnt have a clue what they were talking about, i tried to seem engaged but it didnt work. 2 minutes later, I realized i was probably giving off eerie stalker vibes so i abruptly got up and returned to the chocolate covered strawberries.

Third attempt- moya confirmed that chocolate covered strawberries did not count as party guests.

Fourth attempt- I sat back on the couch directly across from a young black woman who looked interesting. I introduced myself. She said her name was Alexis, she was a grad student at Duke, she studied english, it was her second year, she went to columbia undergrad, she loved new york but was ready to leave, that conversation lasted an entire 4 minutes. It wasn't so bad.

After that- i talked to a few other people, i eased up. I didnt drink ( i had to drive)

I hope i get better at this soon. Its the only way ill meet people. I've been fortunate to have people who gave me a second chance(ie everyone i have met in atlanta) after my notoriously awkward first impressions. I am thankful and blessed for them.

on grad school

I'm having one of those "what shall i do with my life days?"

be forewarned.

Most of my good friends have graduated, a few are in grad school. Thats great, its beautiful, its nice seeing the young black ladies getting the education.

Do i want to go to grad school?

I'm not in love with academia. I dont worship scholars. i dont speak jargon. I don't like arguing with people, because i generaly don't care and dont expect them to change their mind. Im wondering when all this work by scholars will actually fall out of the ivory towers and land in the ghettos that these large universities reside in. Not in a symbolic way, but in a very real way thats meaningful to the people who are studied/examined and interoggated for their experieces for the sake of being a case study in someones book. Books are nice(espcially since i want to work in the library/archive field), largely inaccesible but nice. I'm tired of books/papers/works with two titles that include'examining the role of'', 'redefining','reexamining','looking at','interrogating', the discourse' etc etc. Perhaps the most salient reason would be that i hate writing papers.

Disclaimer: now im not trying to suggest that grad students worship scholar dieties, speak jargon or that their work is insignificant- i think the opposite. I like grad students, in fact, i think women in grad school are sexy.

now the flip side of this is that i actually enjoy school and i love learning . Unfortunately for me, one might not be able to tell that by my transcripts. Grad school sounds appetizing, like a sizzling plate of shrimps. It sounds prestigous, smart, intelligent all that shit. It makes me sound as if im living up to my academic potential. It kinda looks like fun. Like on some ' all- my-cool-friends-are- in-grad-school-so-i-wanna-go too' type shit. I want to talk about how much my cohort sucks, how much i love Dr. so&so's work, how i'm a grad student becaue i suck at life. I want to laugh at professors(like corny white people humor), go to conferences and be affiliated with a school. I want that shit on my resume. I pretty much want to go for all the wrong reasons.

And then theres the allusion that it may somehow open up better job opportunites in my (insert yet-to-be-determined profession here) future. Lately i've been reading some books(yeah- the ones i said earlier were useless) about black people and the climate for jobs. The raging black middle class that i not-so-secretly want to be part of and despise for making me feel like i want to be part of it . Oh how the real world sucks. I've been working since i was 14-i love getting that paycheck and im off topic.

But in conclusion,i want to go to grad school for shallow reasons; i doubt my grades will allow me to do that; i need to find a job that i love(thats another blog entry);It will help my self-esteem to appear smart because I'm scared and insecure; I might feel naked without a post grad degree; trying to improve society outside of the academy, with the academy's help and most importantly, grad school nerds are hot and i want to holla at them and sound intelligent..

So yeah, this is me thinking aloud again. This ain't anything new, or unique.. just ones of those days
(uh oh- sounds like im apologizing *sisterfire leaders begin to beat me on the head with candles*). In the meantime i need to focus on part 1 of grad school-

graduating from Spelman.

(p.s. the reasons i wanted to go to Spelman is a far bigger farce, so embarrising that even shamless alii will not publish them)

on roommates

Its wierd to live with someone, you dont know. Our house is a two bedroom- we have betrween us, one tv, half a radio and share pretty much everything else. I got lucky this time- while surfing through craigslist, i stumbled across a posting from a young woman looking for a roommate in the West End area of Atlanta. It seemed like a good match, and her name sounded familiar, i asked my friends. Turns out she was Spelman alumna-
But its still wierd. Our honeymooney period is over, youre roomate is always great the first two weeks. Its not wierd because we dont get along, far from it, its wierd how our lives are so intergrated in a way thats hard to put into words. We cook for each other, clean each others messes,share the one bathroom, shop for food, talk about our days, see each others 'friends' then go to sleep. We dont hang out, she teahes second grade while i'm at school. We share the living space, occasionally bump into each other and cry over the latest 320.00 gas bill. But the best part is- shes not crazy, she doesnt steal my stuff, shes not a neat freak or a slob, shes respectful and occasionally gives me rides. But its still strange to live with someone you dont really know...ya know?

My last roomate in room 205 Laura Spelman Hall, she was cool too.. We shared a room, it was small but not tiny. Our beds were lofted over our desks, She was a sophmore glee club fanatic from Fairview, Ill who loved computers and fixing things. She was thoughtful- showed me around, attempted to try to teach me some spelman traditions, like the song and the history of some of the buildings. She was the gayest muthafucka on that campus, and the fact that we were roomates was a bigger joke.

no complaints with that roomie.

At UC Santa Cruz i was living in the substance free hall of porter building. I had a roomate who seemed normal on the surface but was psychotic. Often she would wake me with her piercing screams. Twice, in the middle of the night she threw a pillow at me while i was sleeping. At over 5'9 and 300lbs, she was a force to be reckoned, i wasnt exactly trying to fight her. She would hang up on people who tried to call me, including my mother(cell phones do not work on that campus so we shared a room phone). After her antics became more and more bizarre,( like when she would follow me around the room whispering stuuff under her breath), i made an appointment with housing who relocated me upstairs. It was a beautiful room but one night i learned i had another roomate, a bat.

Before that i had a roomate for 16 years. My sister. We shared bunkbeds, read each other stories, talked ourselves to sleep.

so my point is, though it may be strange living with someone you found on craigslist, sometimes it actually works.

i can't wait to get my own place.

I dedicate this year to

fuckin the bullshit.

Last year- was great- a learning experience. I moved here exactly one year ago. Ain't it something.

I'm not overly concerned with what people think of me. I wore pajamas and slippers to the last queer girls party. People whispering'oh she's gay' in the Giles elevator, as if i cant hear them. Or in the cafeteria lunch line, or on founders day when i finally wore a dress. IIts cool- no hard feelings, i have a few friends, thats all i really need.

Most people are beautiful to me. The word ugly has never been iin my vocabulary. My mom told me early on that ugly doesnt describe someone, it describes their actions. I am grateful for this.

But last year i found myself slipping, becoming sensitive to what other people thought, And (gasp) gossip. On a few occasions, my lips went a little loose, i made fun of people, talked shit about people, smiled when i saw them. ITs not that big a deal, but its a big deal too me. I sometimes looked in the mirror, ashamed of what i saw. or more saddened that i had resorted to such low measures to justify my jealousy, insecurity blah blah blah.

So in 2006 im going back to the middle. To the self confident alison that i was before. Nurture myself in a way that can benefit me and the people around me. I want friendships with clarity, honest ones, and if it isnt there- oh well.
Everything will be okay.

Alii

The big 23 (or) * thinking aloud*

So im turning 23 at the end of the month. I'm slightly excited, a little wore out. I feel like i need to be doing more with my life. Etc Etc.(ie i feel like i should be graduating at some point soon)

ANYWAY

But back to the good stuff.
I want to have a birthday party. Since my roommate and I are a day apart, im figuring we should have a joint party. I told her about it and she seemed slightly excited, slighty irritated and partly amused. She said she would show up, and hopefully i can get some of her friends to show up as well. So in other words, i get to plan it. I'm still happy from the new years party. Though i dont want my party to be like that, a little more subdued. With my not-so-queer Spelman friends and my roomies friends there, it will be a different crowd all together.

So i have my tentitive plans laid out

It will be on Jan 28, at my house, somewhere in the evening time.
There will be drinks and some real food, maybe it can be a buffet, but thats too much effort. (Actually thats just an excuse to get Jocelyn and Ndelea to cook)

I'm still stuck on the theme- i suggested that we have a pajama party-mainly because i am too lazy to put on any real clothes. Moya is going to deal with the music. I'm expecting maybe 20 people between my roomate and I, so it will be nice and small...

I'm not good at party planning or anything of that sort. I don't care how many people show up, but i want the ones that do show up, enjoy themselves.

So i just borrowed 'the joy of cooking' from the library, So ill be in the kitchen for the next few hours, 'experimenting'.

Its like

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I'm like:

Uh-huh
Okay
Wassup
Shut-up

(one of those days where i cant think of shit)

resolutions

1. Manage my money better(ie get to know my savings account)
2. Manage my school work better
3. Keep moving toward my career
4. Eat better-less meat more vegetables
5.Actually eat at home instead of eating out
6. Learn how to dress professionally
7. Do more quilting/crafts

Pretty generic but what can i say..

New years

i had a party for new years

It was a lot of fun

I'm so glad people came.

Ive never had a party before.

Somebody bought fireworks and we set them off on my front lawn and in the middle of my street at midnight. My neighbors came out and set theirs off too. We had our own mini show. My house sits high on a triangle so you could see all the fireworks popping off at once,

I don't know how many came- off the top of my head, i knew at least 40 people by name, and a few people i had never met before. The music was cool and though my house is small(2 bedrooms and office) there was enough space that people could dance all up on each other...or not. Smokers had the front porch, we didnt end up using the big back porch. The people in charge of throwing the parties did what they needed to do and helped clean up the house afterwards. I barely had to do a thing. The food was fine and there was plenty of free alcohol (maybe too much). The parking situation was cool-peop;le came and left so there werent major parking issues-. Pretty much everything went off as planned. I'm really surprised people could find the house because i suck at directions.

Before the party- it was bought to my attention that there was concern over my neghborhood being too hood.

There were no shootings, muggings, cars stolen, cars broken into, car accidents, fights, spontaneous fires, complaints to the police, broken windows, busted walls, (or one of my biggst fears, my very old toilet clogging up). Our biggest problem was a very drunk and very underage girl who threw up all over my house and porch. I'm glad shes okay but helll naw. I wont get into it but i was pissed as hell. And i dont get angry very easily. Luckily she has friends who were helping take care of her because i was straight about to drive her ass right back to her mama.

New years is my favorite holiday for sentimental reasons and being able to spend it with some of the coolest people in atlanta, many who i met almost exactly a year ago, just made everything so special.

Happy New Years.