Toni Cade

is over
big sigh of relief.
Tired, wore-out, jaded.

New faces, old faces. Family reunion style complete with the kids.

So what does Spelman mean to me? What does activism mean to me? Havnt quite figured it out yet. Another stop on the road?
Yawn...I'm so sleepy.

:)

Retracting my statement

So after a heart to heart with Angelita-who told me i needed to go ahead and calm down about waering professional attire, i have reached a happy medium. I mean- can you really be taken seriously in a pair of jeans? ( i think so but hey, what does society think). I still need to invsest in a pesonal shopper. THe kind that will shop for me while i stay home and watch bad reality tv.

or maybe someone can submit me to what not to wear- i would not be offended- all them free clothes.

I really dont have much to say today

Since were ever growing.here are some things i did this week for the first time.

Went to Sonics (Apparently they are all the rage in Ark., I never been to one)
Watched a tape of the Big Mama convocation that i keep hearing about (made me smile)
Drove to a part of Atlanta I have never been, in the pouring rain
Discoved a new route through Atlanta
Ate Pizza at Leroys on Edgewood
Went to the nerdiest AUC party...it was so great
Drank grey goose and coke, (yeah i dont know what i was thinking either)
bought my lunch to work
Got called out on wearing jeans to work
Ran into India at a healthfood store during one of my toasted seaweed binges




not very exciting but thats really whats going on with my life.

Other than that- the weather is beautiful, the cicadas(sp?) are busy humming again and im finally beginning to get some sleep! I filed my tax return and now im getting a little pocket change, Moya made it back safely from Cali and they have new MARTA machines that wont spit out my dollar!

Small pleasures

Rent-A-Negro

The animated Ms. Ayo
O' girl came to school

she was cool. I wasnt crazy about the book( i found it a bit repetitive, i think her website was good on its own) but I did enjoy listening to her talk about interactive art.


for more info visit www.rent-a-negro.com (though im sure everyone who is reading this already has)

This concludes my blog entry for today

TGI Fridays

TriniTracy and I enjoy the sun

I got that sleep. Today I woke up and went to the Auburn Avenue Research Library on a behind-the-scenes-tour of the Archives. Perhaps i'm the only one who would prolly get geeked about some mess like that but still, I was excited.

I came back on the MARTA to find that they had replaced those old machines with these new-easy-breezy machines. My mood was elevated. Feeling blessed, I put on a hijab and went to jumu'ah with my friend. Havn't set foot in a mosque since i was 17.

Came back to Spelman. A bright sunny day. Music was playing, people were out. Saw some friends, danced a little. Well that was my day, here are some pictures.

Me and Moses IV

Some boy, Elisheba, Tracy, Sarah WooWoo and Josh Ty-SUN!

The beautiful Brittani and Sandile

Me and D

My sis Janelle and I

Still trying to catch that sleep

Sleep monsters came to visit me last night. I had to get up early this morning.
Last night i was shivering in the bed, last night i was so hot i was sweating. Cold sweat.
Anxiety kept me awake. I stared at the wall- trying to force myself to sleep but my body did not submit. House dead quiet with the sounds of early morning traffic. That shit almost drove me crazy. Woke up(except i wasnt really sleeping in the first place)- not quite functional as i slipped through the gates to get into the marta. THe machine wouldnt except my dollar. Standing in my finest business attire and boots, I told the machine to go fuck himself.

Long day- met with my team for work. Toured, talked, ate pizza. I forget how much i love libraries. Yeah the private sector pays and academic librarys can control the population it lets in. But theres nothing like the accessibilty of the public library. What other institution lets anybody just walk in? Not that thats always a good thing, but it makes for a colorful experience. And people in Atlanta never fail to make me smile-deep down in the usually stubburn part of my heart.

"What if we get shot"- said the white man

I want to take a nap but im scared. I'm tryin catch my sleepiness in my bones until tonight so I can release myself into a hard slumber. I want to sleep so hard my joints ache and my legs are cramped and theres an indent from the pillow on the side of my face in the morning. Like starving yourself before you go out to eat.

I want to be so sleepy that I stumble into the bed like an old drunk man on the lawn.

Ice Breaker

I'm supposed to be twisting my hair.

But my mind kept dreaming about Cold Stone Sweet Cream with strawberry and coconut mix-ins.


Yummmmmmmm.

Atlanta strippuh booty

Last night after a quick stop at D'jangos and a few U-turns on Ponce, we(as in me and the ubiquitous 'her') found ourselves at MJQs for a little 5 dolla fun.

(Un)lucky for us, Jeezy had similar plans.

Damn

So with Jeezy came in, a whole set of ATL 'lean wit it rock wit it' classics. Included in this set was Ms. New Booty by Bubba Spaaarrrxxxx. This song is a hot mess. There are so many things wrong with it that i rather not analyze it(I'm acting as though my blog ever examines serious issues). So of course its also my new favorite song.


boty booty booty...

(Dont mind the visual- just listen to the song. Thanks M, for letting me rip that link)

The song started and all of a sudden, every girl in hte club was shakin that ass. I turned around and looked helplessly at my ass wondering why it didnt bounce. My eyes looked back at the floor- all the black girrls with their tight jeans tucked into their boots, ass moving up and down- side to side. I was green with envy

Is it wrong to want an Atlantastripperbooty? I mean specifically Atlanta booty-because an atlanta booty moves like none other. When no ones looking, I practice in the mirror. I still aint got it yet. I have a few frineds who are strippers, I asked them how they did it. They told me it comes with time and to practice by holding on to something. Still no success.

sigh-

Oddly enough the video is about buying a stripper ass in a box.

Its like they can read my mind!

Abstracts from a free write

When I was younger I used to take gymnastics. Handstands . In high school my english teacher was the diving coach, he convinced me to come try out for the diving team. I couldnt swim. But i made the team. I didnt do it though- I had to run track. I miss Ice Hockey. I sometimes scan through it, remember what it was like to skate in my schools ice rink with a stick in my hand. Freshman year of H.S. i wanted to try out speed skating, but the skates were 2000 dollars. I couldnt afford it. So i tried out for field hockey. Made that team- got to wear a skirt, that i used to make shorter by rolling up the top. First hat trick, 3rd game. It happens in threes.

I cut my hair off to the song liberation. End of july in the time of leo. My half permed half natural hair fell toward the ground and i just stared at it. Considered saving it but didnt want to accumulate more junk. I stood looking at my hair- staring at the strange curls that i had not seen since middle school. They looked back at me kinda scared. I quickly cornrolled them to hide them but like they always had before, they climbed out the braids in defiance. I brough t my hair over too oh my nappy hair in Oakland, CA, right next to the lake. The woman looked at my hair and said its gonna take awhile.

Commitment. I have a hard time with commitment. I have a hard time understanding i cant be impulsive and do what i want to when i want to. I interviewed for a job. I think i may have gotten it. They want a one year commitment. I really want the job, I dont want the commitment. Taking the job will force me to stay in Atlanta for another year. keyword force. Since when can one dictate to you where you need to stay and what you need to do. I was not a defiant child-my mom let me do what i wanted. Commitment is like tying a ballon to a rock. its for the enjoyment/comfort of others.

I joined myspace today.
I read about Ilyasah Shabazz
i ate lunch with delaine
i walked the two miles to school and stopped at the library.
I talked to a few people at school.
I walked to the MARTA

I spy(with my own eyes)

Good morning west end- shot from my window at 7 am.



Shopping for my first suit- i did not end up buying this one...



Moya being a grad student


Fired up after an Ella Baker Lecture

Today my blog turned 1

The very beginning

Oh how so much has changed...

or not.

Random

I'm listening to songs from the Wiz. Can you /feel a/ Brand New Day??

Depending on who you were the party was either fun, or funny. or painful (LOL as i snicker). So sad was it that i spent half the time hiding in the kitchen. In the least, I was amused.

That must have been amoung the worst parties I have ever attended. I dont think party planning is anywhere in my future. People came sat down and then left. I think the fact that i looked scared everytime someone walked in should have said something. At some point I managed to get everyone out of the party only to be joined by a second wave of people.Dammit(why did they have to come?). Then i went in my room and talked on the phone while i forced the party guests to ackwardly mingle with each other.

(why do i find that so funny? I'm sure they werent laughing)

I was so happy when it was over(11pm).

I'm so glad my sister was at the party, I laughed until tears were coming out my eyes. I think if she wasnt there i would have cried for real. Her and Moya tried their best to help, theyre so great.

My tv strike is over- i finally got to watch project runway. I didnt watch the superbowl-im guessing that seattle didnt win, (my seattle born roommate seemed extra depressed).

But life goes on/and so do we/

my next party will be a barbque in the middle of the day. I think the people who suffered through my party will be scared to come.

LOL.

i'm so terrible.

1:45 am

it aint late. I want to be sleep already. My sisters plane comes in at 5:03 in the morning. I dont want to drive tired. WHY THE HELL IS SHE FLYING IN THIS DAMN EARLY? I'm too excited to go to sleep. I looked at some of the rum in the refridgerator but i decided not to drink it.

I got plenty planned for her this weekend. Toni Cade meeting, my birthday party, Body Positive, a movie, dinner and a second b-day party. She just turned 21 a few weeks ago so shes even legal too.

Well yesterday they switched my phone over to my t-mobile phone, which i dont have yet. I woke up, tried to use my old phone..didnt work. My t-mobile phone comes in later today. I spent the day being out of touch which wasnt nearly as bad as i had imagined. Except when my mom tried to call.

My sister emailed me and told me i needed to call my mom asap. But i didnt have a phone and my phonecard was acting up. Turns out that my sister friend from childhood delivered her baby. The baby is 1 pound. This same girl called me last night around 8pm and i didnt pick up. I feel guilty. I'm glad shes okay, but one pound? I'm worried about her, i cant really call her, but i wish i could be there to comfort her.

Beautiful took me out to eat on my birthday. What y'all know about that Atlanta Fish Market?

Damn- im still not tired?

DAMMIT!

Insomnias a bitch!

Woe is me, I have a penis

Peace be Still

For the rest of the week, I am not watching anymore TV. After watching the President's State of the Union address, Flava of Luv, 25 most #$^%&-&* moments in Black History (which i only watched 3 minutes of), CNN, C-Span, i think my senses have gone numb. I no longer respond to shit on tv, and i dont care. Cables nice- but is it really?

Sure im going to miss Idol, Project Runway, Daily Show and some of my other favorite shows but i think its a small sacrifice for my sanity.

Since i drive more now, I listen to the radio and hear the same 10 songs- Krypotnite, Golddigger, Shake that Laffy Taffy, Shake Skake, I'm in luv wit a strippuh, Here we go, Fresh Azimiz,Grillz, Yo(excuse me miss),Unpredictable....and i actually used to like a few of these songs. The radios going off too.

Delaine came back yesterday, gave me the daily report on the people she encountered on the MARTA, at her job. She told us about the store owners in Bankhead and how much they disliked black people. It ain't just George Bush. Yes I know people hate us. I know we are amoung the most hated group in the us and in the world. But sometimes being at Spelman in the womens center, youre sheltered from it, even if just for a few hours a day. At least you can trust the people there, and even more significant, they trust you back. Thats unusual.

Saturday is my birthday party- im really excited. I think it will be fun. My younger sister is coming early friday. I love her.

I thought about Alabama last night. Spending time with Dorothella's family in her quiet Alabama property. I began to miss it. And im not even from there.

Take a deep breath.

Todays my mother birthday. Today i switched from Sprint to T-Mobile, Today I have class. Today I walked 2 miles, Today I'm going to take the MARTA to school, Today I promise that ill take care of myself, Today i'll retun a few phone calls and plan for this party.

Today- is today-is today.

alii

January 30, 2006

So today I turned 23

God is Good
(all the time)

on menstruating on a tampon string budget *tmi*

So during one of my trips to Charis books in Atlanta, the feminist book store which is one of the few times i come in contact with white lesbians in atlanta (I have lived in Atlanta one year and I know the name of one whole white lesbian-she goes to Agnes Scott)

Amongst the books about pussy liberation and lesbian sex guides, there is a little corner devoted to eco-friendly menstruation...

WHAT!!!

So some of the appeal is that it is enviromentally friendly, no bleaching, cost effective blah blah blah. But somehow the sound of a reusable pad or a reusable tampon simply aren't appealing to me. I'm just saying.

And then of course my inital shock turned into curiosity. Well maybe its not such a bad idea. Maybe it would be cheaper. I mean- I started when I was 11.

So that was almost 12 years ago.

Quick calculations
12 years -2 years that i was running and severly underweight =10 years.
10 years x 12 periods a year =120 periods
120 x $4 dollars =$ 480


So in the last 12 years- ive spent almost $500.00 well that is minus the ones i stole out of our gym 'red box', from friends, from the store(okay i shoplifted them a few times), school nurse, overzealous period activists who shall not be named but somehow intergrate their cycles into random conversations and love their womenhood.

(Okay maybe i've spent about 100 dollars. But still, you get the point.)

So among these eco-friendly products there is the Diva Cup and the Keeper. They look like little pocket-size bathroom plungers. They are supposed to be like tampons but im a little scared. I'm sure they work wonderful- and perhaps i'll spend the 35.00 dollars to purchase one

...maybe not.





Then theres a sea sponge. I first heard about this from one of my overly feminist friends back in berkeley who swore by them. She would buy them from the Berkeley Bowl and go right home and adjust it a bit. She said they workied like a charm- as she offered me one. I said hell no. Yes its natural, yes the salt content of the ocean is the same as your body, yes the ocean is pulled by the moon which has a 28 day cycle just like your period. Yes I see how metaphysically this shit is supposed to be deep. Yet everytime i tried to picture it, all i could imagine were barnicles and seahorses growing inside the uterus.

Which brings me to the moon inspired Luna Pads. These are re-usable pads that come in packs of 5-7. They're supposed to be made of flannel which sounds a little like vagina pajamas. These are a bit expensive retailing at about 85.00 dollars. They sound a little extra- but i perhaps in the long run- i could save some money.



In other words- im sure these products are wonderful. I'm sure that they even work better than other products. I'm sure i shouldnt be supporting Tampax. Im sure of a lot of things- yet very unsure about these.

I'm feelin a bit...

SCARED

So if youve tried some of these products, or your best friend has tried them, let a sista know. Anonymous responses are completely fine...

I understand

I Spy

Secret Toni Cade Planning Meeting

on socializing(and other shit im bad at)

"What was your first impression of me?" I ask

"Um, you were kinda standoffish",
"i didnt think you liked me",
"There was like this wall..."
"I just thought you didn't like people..."

You get the point.

I'm socially awkward.

Last night:
SCENE
Friend's 28th birthday party. Cakesbycoko and champaign and chocolate covered strawberries served on clear plastic plates. Beautiful home complete with a dog and plenty of baby pictures to swoon at.
THE CROWD
age: 21-35?
race: All black except 2 or 3 white women
sexuality: 75%-90% were les/bi/queer/not quite straight(this is an approximation based on my gaydar and subsequent friendster visit for follow up)
hair: 60%had locs, if not more, mostly natural.
mixed education varying from never been to college to grad students

Translation- these people were more or less like me and theres nothing to be afraid of

so what happened was. I got to the party and i immediately was drawn to the fireplace. I called myself keeping warm when in fact i was scared to go talk to anyone. I'm the partygoer who is likely to find a seat somewhere and keep myself busy with food, only occasionally leaving my nesting area to get more food. If theres no food- then i am just as likely to find a magazine, look at family pictures or go outside and talk on my cell phone until my required stay at party time has elapsed. Usually 1.5 hours. You see, i've got it down to a science.

Well everything was going according to plan until that social butterfly moya caught wind of my plan. Outraged and insensitive to my social disorder, she made up a game. She challenged me to rack up as many 'social points' as i could.

0.5 for saying 'hello'
2.0 for an introduction lasting longer than 10 seconds
4.0 points for a conversation lasting longer than 2 minutes
1.0 point per minute of additional conversation

simple enough right?

Well no. You see when i'm nervous, i start blushing and laugh. My first attempts of trying to be social resulted in me stumbling around the party laughing and scaring/concerning the surrounding party members.

second attempt- i very awkwardly and conspicuously joined a conversation about holistic spas on the couch. I didnt have a clue what they were talking about, i tried to seem engaged but it didnt work. 2 minutes later, I realized i was probably giving off eerie stalker vibes so i abruptly got up and returned to the chocolate covered strawberries.

Third attempt- moya confirmed that chocolate covered strawberries did not count as party guests.

Fourth attempt- I sat back on the couch directly across from a young black woman who looked interesting. I introduced myself. She said her name was Alexis, she was a grad student at Duke, she studied english, it was her second year, she went to columbia undergrad, she loved new york but was ready to leave, that conversation lasted an entire 4 minutes. It wasn't so bad.

After that- i talked to a few other people, i eased up. I didnt drink ( i had to drive)

I hope i get better at this soon. Its the only way ill meet people. I've been fortunate to have people who gave me a second chance(ie everyone i have met in atlanta) after my notoriously awkward first impressions. I am thankful and blessed for them.