TGI Fridays

TriniTracy and I enjoy the sun

I got that sleep. Today I woke up and went to the Auburn Avenue Research Library on a behind-the-scenes-tour of the Archives. Perhaps i'm the only one who would prolly get geeked about some mess like that but still, I was excited.

I came back on the MARTA to find that they had replaced those old machines with these new-easy-breezy machines. My mood was elevated. Feeling blessed, I put on a hijab and went to jumu'ah with my friend. Havn't set foot in a mosque since i was 17.

Came back to Spelman. A bright sunny day. Music was playing, people were out. Saw some friends, danced a little. Well that was my day, here are some pictures.

Me and Moses IV

Some boy, Elisheba, Tracy, Sarah WooWoo and Josh Ty-SUN!

The beautiful Brittani and Sandile

Me and D

My sis Janelle and I

Still trying to catch that sleep

Sleep monsters came to visit me last night. I had to get up early this morning.
Last night i was shivering in the bed, last night i was so hot i was sweating. Cold sweat.
Anxiety kept me awake. I stared at the wall- trying to force myself to sleep but my body did not submit. House dead quiet with the sounds of early morning traffic. That shit almost drove me crazy. Woke up(except i wasnt really sleeping in the first place)- not quite functional as i slipped through the gates to get into the marta. THe machine wouldnt except my dollar. Standing in my finest business attire and boots, I told the machine to go fuck himself.

Long day- met with my team for work. Toured, talked, ate pizza. I forget how much i love libraries. Yeah the private sector pays and academic librarys can control the population it lets in. But theres nothing like the accessibilty of the public library. What other institution lets anybody just walk in? Not that thats always a good thing, but it makes for a colorful experience. And people in Atlanta never fail to make me smile-deep down in the usually stubburn part of my heart.

"What if we get shot"- said the white man

I want to take a nap but im scared. I'm tryin catch my sleepiness in my bones until tonight so I can release myself into a hard slumber. I want to sleep so hard my joints ache and my legs are cramped and theres an indent from the pillow on the side of my face in the morning. Like starving yourself before you go out to eat.

I want to be so sleepy that I stumble into the bed like an old drunk man on the lawn.

Ice Breaker

I'm supposed to be twisting my hair.

But my mind kept dreaming about Cold Stone Sweet Cream with strawberry and coconut mix-ins.


Yummmmmmmm.

Atlanta strippuh booty

Last night after a quick stop at D'jangos and a few U-turns on Ponce, we(as in me and the ubiquitous 'her') found ourselves at MJQs for a little 5 dolla fun.

(Un)lucky for us, Jeezy had similar plans.

Damn

So with Jeezy came in, a whole set of ATL 'lean wit it rock wit it' classics. Included in this set was Ms. New Booty by Bubba Spaaarrrxxxx. This song is a hot mess. There are so many things wrong with it that i rather not analyze it(I'm acting as though my blog ever examines serious issues). So of course its also my new favorite song.


boty booty booty...

(Dont mind the visual- just listen to the song. Thanks M, for letting me rip that link)

The song started and all of a sudden, every girl in hte club was shakin that ass. I turned around and looked helplessly at my ass wondering why it didnt bounce. My eyes looked back at the floor- all the black girrls with their tight jeans tucked into their boots, ass moving up and down- side to side. I was green with envy

Is it wrong to want an Atlantastripperbooty? I mean specifically Atlanta booty-because an atlanta booty moves like none other. When no ones looking, I practice in the mirror. I still aint got it yet. I have a few frineds who are strippers, I asked them how they did it. They told me it comes with time and to practice by holding on to something. Still no success.

sigh-

Oddly enough the video is about buying a stripper ass in a box.

Its like they can read my mind!

Abstracts from a free write

When I was younger I used to take gymnastics. Handstands . In high school my english teacher was the diving coach, he convinced me to come try out for the diving team. I couldnt swim. But i made the team. I didnt do it though- I had to run track. I miss Ice Hockey. I sometimes scan through it, remember what it was like to skate in my schools ice rink with a stick in my hand. Freshman year of H.S. i wanted to try out speed skating, but the skates were 2000 dollars. I couldnt afford it. So i tried out for field hockey. Made that team- got to wear a skirt, that i used to make shorter by rolling up the top. First hat trick, 3rd game. It happens in threes.

I cut my hair off to the song liberation. End of july in the time of leo. My half permed half natural hair fell toward the ground and i just stared at it. Considered saving it but didnt want to accumulate more junk. I stood looking at my hair- staring at the strange curls that i had not seen since middle school. They looked back at me kinda scared. I quickly cornrolled them to hide them but like they always had before, they climbed out the braids in defiance. I brough t my hair over too oh my nappy hair in Oakland, CA, right next to the lake. The woman looked at my hair and said its gonna take awhile.

Commitment. I have a hard time with commitment. I have a hard time understanding i cant be impulsive and do what i want to when i want to. I interviewed for a job. I think i may have gotten it. They want a one year commitment. I really want the job, I dont want the commitment. Taking the job will force me to stay in Atlanta for another year. keyword force. Since when can one dictate to you where you need to stay and what you need to do. I was not a defiant child-my mom let me do what i wanted. Commitment is like tying a ballon to a rock. its for the enjoyment/comfort of others.

I joined myspace today.
I read about Ilyasah Shabazz
i ate lunch with delaine
i walked the two miles to school and stopped at the library.
I talked to a few people at school.
I walked to the MARTA

I spy(with my own eyes)

Good morning west end- shot from my window at 7 am.



Shopping for my first suit- i did not end up buying this one...



Moya being a grad student


Fired up after an Ella Baker Lecture

Today my blog turned 1

The very beginning

Oh how so much has changed...

or not.

Random

I'm listening to songs from the Wiz. Can you /feel a/ Brand New Day??

Depending on who you were the party was either fun, or funny. or painful (LOL as i snicker). So sad was it that i spent half the time hiding in the kitchen. In the least, I was amused.

That must have been amoung the worst parties I have ever attended. I dont think party planning is anywhere in my future. People came sat down and then left. I think the fact that i looked scared everytime someone walked in should have said something. At some point I managed to get everyone out of the party only to be joined by a second wave of people.Dammit(why did they have to come?). Then i went in my room and talked on the phone while i forced the party guests to ackwardly mingle with each other.

(why do i find that so funny? I'm sure they werent laughing)

I was so happy when it was over(11pm).

I'm so glad my sister was at the party, I laughed until tears were coming out my eyes. I think if she wasnt there i would have cried for real. Her and Moya tried their best to help, theyre so great.

My tv strike is over- i finally got to watch project runway. I didnt watch the superbowl-im guessing that seattle didnt win, (my seattle born roommate seemed extra depressed).

But life goes on/and so do we/

my next party will be a barbque in the middle of the day. I think the people who suffered through my party will be scared to come.

LOL.

i'm so terrible.

1:45 am

it aint late. I want to be sleep already. My sisters plane comes in at 5:03 in the morning. I dont want to drive tired. WHY THE HELL IS SHE FLYING IN THIS DAMN EARLY? I'm too excited to go to sleep. I looked at some of the rum in the refridgerator but i decided not to drink it.

I got plenty planned for her this weekend. Toni Cade meeting, my birthday party, Body Positive, a movie, dinner and a second b-day party. She just turned 21 a few weeks ago so shes even legal too.

Well yesterday they switched my phone over to my t-mobile phone, which i dont have yet. I woke up, tried to use my old phone..didnt work. My t-mobile phone comes in later today. I spent the day being out of touch which wasnt nearly as bad as i had imagined. Except when my mom tried to call.

My sister emailed me and told me i needed to call my mom asap. But i didnt have a phone and my phonecard was acting up. Turns out that my sister friend from childhood delivered her baby. The baby is 1 pound. This same girl called me last night around 8pm and i didnt pick up. I feel guilty. I'm glad shes okay, but one pound? I'm worried about her, i cant really call her, but i wish i could be there to comfort her.

Beautiful took me out to eat on my birthday. What y'all know about that Atlanta Fish Market?

Damn- im still not tired?

DAMMIT!

Insomnias a bitch!

Woe is me, I have a penis

Peace be Still

For the rest of the week, I am not watching anymore TV. After watching the President's State of the Union address, Flava of Luv, 25 most #$^%&-&* moments in Black History (which i only watched 3 minutes of), CNN, C-Span, i think my senses have gone numb. I no longer respond to shit on tv, and i dont care. Cables nice- but is it really?

Sure im going to miss Idol, Project Runway, Daily Show and some of my other favorite shows but i think its a small sacrifice for my sanity.

Since i drive more now, I listen to the radio and hear the same 10 songs- Krypotnite, Golddigger, Shake that Laffy Taffy, Shake Skake, I'm in luv wit a strippuh, Here we go, Fresh Azimiz,Grillz, Yo(excuse me miss),Unpredictable....and i actually used to like a few of these songs. The radios going off too.

Delaine came back yesterday, gave me the daily report on the people she encountered on the MARTA, at her job. She told us about the store owners in Bankhead and how much they disliked black people. It ain't just George Bush. Yes I know people hate us. I know we are amoung the most hated group in the us and in the world. But sometimes being at Spelman in the womens center, youre sheltered from it, even if just for a few hours a day. At least you can trust the people there, and even more significant, they trust you back. Thats unusual.

Saturday is my birthday party- im really excited. I think it will be fun. My younger sister is coming early friday. I love her.

I thought about Alabama last night. Spending time with Dorothella's family in her quiet Alabama property. I began to miss it. And im not even from there.

Take a deep breath.

Todays my mother birthday. Today i switched from Sprint to T-Mobile, Today I have class. Today I walked 2 miles, Today I'm going to take the MARTA to school, Today I promise that ill take care of myself, Today i'll retun a few phone calls and plan for this party.

Today- is today-is today.

alii

January 30, 2006

So today I turned 23

God is Good
(all the time)

on menstruating on a tampon string budget *tmi*

So during one of my trips to Charis books in Atlanta, the feminist book store which is one of the few times i come in contact with white lesbians in atlanta (I have lived in Atlanta one year and I know the name of one whole white lesbian-she goes to Agnes Scott)

Amongst the books about pussy liberation and lesbian sex guides, there is a little corner devoted to eco-friendly menstruation...

WHAT!!!

So some of the appeal is that it is enviromentally friendly, no bleaching, cost effective blah blah blah. But somehow the sound of a reusable pad or a reusable tampon simply aren't appealing to me. I'm just saying.

And then of course my inital shock turned into curiosity. Well maybe its not such a bad idea. Maybe it would be cheaper. I mean- I started when I was 11.

So that was almost 12 years ago.

Quick calculations
12 years -2 years that i was running and severly underweight =10 years.
10 years x 12 periods a year =120 periods
120 x $4 dollars =$ 480


So in the last 12 years- ive spent almost $500.00 well that is minus the ones i stole out of our gym 'red box', from friends, from the store(okay i shoplifted them a few times), school nurse, overzealous period activists who shall not be named but somehow intergrate their cycles into random conversations and love their womenhood.

(Okay maybe i've spent about 100 dollars. But still, you get the point.)

So among these eco-friendly products there is the Diva Cup and the Keeper. They look like little pocket-size bathroom plungers. They are supposed to be like tampons but im a little scared. I'm sure they work wonderful- and perhaps i'll spend the 35.00 dollars to purchase one

...maybe not.





Then theres a sea sponge. I first heard about this from one of my overly feminist friends back in berkeley who swore by them. She would buy them from the Berkeley Bowl and go right home and adjust it a bit. She said they workied like a charm- as she offered me one. I said hell no. Yes its natural, yes the salt content of the ocean is the same as your body, yes the ocean is pulled by the moon which has a 28 day cycle just like your period. Yes I see how metaphysically this shit is supposed to be deep. Yet everytime i tried to picture it, all i could imagine were barnicles and seahorses growing inside the uterus.

Which brings me to the moon inspired Luna Pads. These are re-usable pads that come in packs of 5-7. They're supposed to be made of flannel which sounds a little like vagina pajamas. These are a bit expensive retailing at about 85.00 dollars. They sound a little extra- but i perhaps in the long run- i could save some money.



In other words- im sure these products are wonderful. I'm sure that they even work better than other products. I'm sure i shouldnt be supporting Tampax. Im sure of a lot of things- yet very unsure about these.

I'm feelin a bit...

SCARED

So if youve tried some of these products, or your best friend has tried them, let a sista know. Anonymous responses are completely fine...

I understand

I Spy

Secret Toni Cade Planning Meeting

on socializing(and other shit im bad at)

"What was your first impression of me?" I ask

"Um, you were kinda standoffish",
"i didnt think you liked me",
"There was like this wall..."
"I just thought you didn't like people..."

You get the point.

I'm socially awkward.

Last night:
SCENE
Friend's 28th birthday party. Cakesbycoko and champaign and chocolate covered strawberries served on clear plastic plates. Beautiful home complete with a dog and plenty of baby pictures to swoon at.
THE CROWD
age: 21-35?
race: All black except 2 or 3 white women
sexuality: 75%-90% were les/bi/queer/not quite straight(this is an approximation based on my gaydar and subsequent friendster visit for follow up)
hair: 60%had locs, if not more, mostly natural.
mixed education varying from never been to college to grad students

Translation- these people were more or less like me and theres nothing to be afraid of

so what happened was. I got to the party and i immediately was drawn to the fireplace. I called myself keeping warm when in fact i was scared to go talk to anyone. I'm the partygoer who is likely to find a seat somewhere and keep myself busy with food, only occasionally leaving my nesting area to get more food. If theres no food- then i am just as likely to find a magazine, look at family pictures or go outside and talk on my cell phone until my required stay at party time has elapsed. Usually 1.5 hours. You see, i've got it down to a science.

Well everything was going according to plan until that social butterfly moya caught wind of my plan. Outraged and insensitive to my social disorder, she made up a game. She challenged me to rack up as many 'social points' as i could.

0.5 for saying 'hello'
2.0 for an introduction lasting longer than 10 seconds
4.0 points for a conversation lasting longer than 2 minutes
1.0 point per minute of additional conversation

simple enough right?

Well no. You see when i'm nervous, i start blushing and laugh. My first attempts of trying to be social resulted in me stumbling around the party laughing and scaring/concerning the surrounding party members.

second attempt- i very awkwardly and conspicuously joined a conversation about holistic spas on the couch. I didnt have a clue what they were talking about, i tried to seem engaged but it didnt work. 2 minutes later, I realized i was probably giving off eerie stalker vibes so i abruptly got up and returned to the chocolate covered strawberries.

Third attempt- moya confirmed that chocolate covered strawberries did not count as party guests.

Fourth attempt- I sat back on the couch directly across from a young black woman who looked interesting. I introduced myself. She said her name was Alexis, she was a grad student at Duke, she studied english, it was her second year, she went to columbia undergrad, she loved new york but was ready to leave, that conversation lasted an entire 4 minutes. It wasn't so bad.

After that- i talked to a few other people, i eased up. I didnt drink ( i had to drive)

I hope i get better at this soon. Its the only way ill meet people. I've been fortunate to have people who gave me a second chance(ie everyone i have met in atlanta) after my notoriously awkward first impressions. I am thankful and blessed for them.

on grad school

I'm having one of those "what shall i do with my life days?"

be forewarned.

Most of my good friends have graduated, a few are in grad school. Thats great, its beautiful, its nice seeing the young black ladies getting the education.

Do i want to go to grad school?

I'm not in love with academia. I dont worship scholars. i dont speak jargon. I don't like arguing with people, because i generaly don't care and dont expect them to change their mind. Im wondering when all this work by scholars will actually fall out of the ivory towers and land in the ghettos that these large universities reside in. Not in a symbolic way, but in a very real way thats meaningful to the people who are studied/examined and interoggated for their experieces for the sake of being a case study in someones book. Books are nice(espcially since i want to work in the library/archive field), largely inaccesible but nice. I'm tired of books/papers/works with two titles that include'examining the role of'', 'redefining','reexamining','looking at','interrogating', the discourse' etc etc. Perhaps the most salient reason would be that i hate writing papers.

Disclaimer: now im not trying to suggest that grad students worship scholar dieties, speak jargon or that their work is insignificant- i think the opposite. I like grad students, in fact, i think women in grad school are sexy.

now the flip side of this is that i actually enjoy school and i love learning . Unfortunately for me, one might not be able to tell that by my transcripts. Grad school sounds appetizing, like a sizzling plate of shrimps. It sounds prestigous, smart, intelligent all that shit. It makes me sound as if im living up to my academic potential. It kinda looks like fun. Like on some ' all- my-cool-friends-are- in-grad-school-so-i-wanna-go too' type shit. I want to talk about how much my cohort sucks, how much i love Dr. so&so's work, how i'm a grad student becaue i suck at life. I want to laugh at professors(like corny white people humor), go to conferences and be affiliated with a school. I want that shit on my resume. I pretty much want to go for all the wrong reasons.

And then theres the allusion that it may somehow open up better job opportunites in my (insert yet-to-be-determined profession here) future. Lately i've been reading some books(yeah- the ones i said earlier were useless) about black people and the climate for jobs. The raging black middle class that i not-so-secretly want to be part of and despise for making me feel like i want to be part of it . Oh how the real world sucks. I've been working since i was 14-i love getting that paycheck and im off topic.

But in conclusion,i want to go to grad school for shallow reasons; i doubt my grades will allow me to do that; i need to find a job that i love(thats another blog entry);It will help my self-esteem to appear smart because I'm scared and insecure; I might feel naked without a post grad degree; trying to improve society outside of the academy, with the academy's help and most importantly, grad school nerds are hot and i want to holla at them and sound intelligent..

So yeah, this is me thinking aloud again. This ain't anything new, or unique.. just ones of those days
(uh oh- sounds like im apologizing *sisterfire leaders begin to beat me on the head with candles*). In the meantime i need to focus on part 1 of grad school-

graduating from Spelman.

(p.s. the reasons i wanted to go to Spelman is a far bigger farce, so embarrising that even shamless alii will not publish them)

on roommates

Its wierd to live with someone, you dont know. Our house is a two bedroom- we have betrween us, one tv, half a radio and share pretty much everything else. I got lucky this time- while surfing through craigslist, i stumbled across a posting from a young woman looking for a roommate in the West End area of Atlanta. It seemed like a good match, and her name sounded familiar, i asked my friends. Turns out she was Spelman alumna-
But its still wierd. Our honeymooney period is over, youre roomate is always great the first two weeks. Its not wierd because we dont get along, far from it, its wierd how our lives are so intergrated in a way thats hard to put into words. We cook for each other, clean each others messes,share the one bathroom, shop for food, talk about our days, see each others 'friends' then go to sleep. We dont hang out, she teahes second grade while i'm at school. We share the living space, occasionally bump into each other and cry over the latest 320.00 gas bill. But the best part is- shes not crazy, she doesnt steal my stuff, shes not a neat freak or a slob, shes respectful and occasionally gives me rides. But its still strange to live with someone you dont really know...ya know?

My last roomate in room 205 Laura Spelman Hall, she was cool too.. We shared a room, it was small but not tiny. Our beds were lofted over our desks, She was a sophmore glee club fanatic from Fairview, Ill who loved computers and fixing things. She was thoughtful- showed me around, attempted to try to teach me some spelman traditions, like the song and the history of some of the buildings. She was the gayest muthafucka on that campus, and the fact that we were roomates was a bigger joke.

no complaints with that roomie.

At UC Santa Cruz i was living in the substance free hall of porter building. I had a roomate who seemed normal on the surface but was psychotic. Often she would wake me with her piercing screams. Twice, in the middle of the night she threw a pillow at me while i was sleeping. At over 5'9 and 300lbs, she was a force to be reckoned, i wasnt exactly trying to fight her. She would hang up on people who tried to call me, including my mother(cell phones do not work on that campus so we shared a room phone). After her antics became more and more bizarre,( like when she would follow me around the room whispering stuuff under her breath), i made an appointment with housing who relocated me upstairs. It was a beautiful room but one night i learned i had another roomate, a bat.

Before that i had a roomate for 16 years. My sister. We shared bunkbeds, read each other stories, talked ourselves to sleep.

so my point is, though it may be strange living with someone you found on craigslist, sometimes it actually works.

i can't wait to get my own place.

I dedicate this year to

fuckin the bullshit.

Last year- was great- a learning experience. I moved here exactly one year ago. Ain't it something.

I'm not overly concerned with what people think of me. I wore pajamas and slippers to the last queer girls party. People whispering'oh she's gay' in the Giles elevator, as if i cant hear them. Or in the cafeteria lunch line, or on founders day when i finally wore a dress. IIts cool- no hard feelings, i have a few friends, thats all i really need.

Most people are beautiful to me. The word ugly has never been iin my vocabulary. My mom told me early on that ugly doesnt describe someone, it describes their actions. I am grateful for this.

But last year i found myself slipping, becoming sensitive to what other people thought, And (gasp) gossip. On a few occasions, my lips went a little loose, i made fun of people, talked shit about people, smiled when i saw them. ITs not that big a deal, but its a big deal too me. I sometimes looked in the mirror, ashamed of what i saw. or more saddened that i had resorted to such low measures to justify my jealousy, insecurity blah blah blah.

So in 2006 im going back to the middle. To the self confident alison that i was before. Nurture myself in a way that can benefit me and the people around me. I want friendships with clarity, honest ones, and if it isnt there- oh well.
Everything will be okay.

Alii

The big 23 (or) * thinking aloud*

So im turning 23 at the end of the month. I'm slightly excited, a little wore out. I feel like i need to be doing more with my life. Etc Etc.(ie i feel like i should be graduating at some point soon)

ANYWAY

But back to the good stuff.
I want to have a birthday party. Since my roommate and I are a day apart, im figuring we should have a joint party. I told her about it and she seemed slightly excited, slighty irritated and partly amused. She said she would show up, and hopefully i can get some of her friends to show up as well. So in other words, i get to plan it. I'm still happy from the new years party. Though i dont want my party to be like that, a little more subdued. With my not-so-queer Spelman friends and my roomies friends there, it will be a different crowd all together.

So i have my tentitive plans laid out

It will be on Jan 28, at my house, somewhere in the evening time.
There will be drinks and some real food, maybe it can be a buffet, but thats too much effort. (Actually thats just an excuse to get Jocelyn and Ndelea to cook)

I'm still stuck on the theme- i suggested that we have a pajama party-mainly because i am too lazy to put on any real clothes. Moya is going to deal with the music. I'm expecting maybe 20 people between my roomate and I, so it will be nice and small...

I'm not good at party planning or anything of that sort. I don't care how many people show up, but i want the ones that do show up, enjoy themselves.

So i just borrowed 'the joy of cooking' from the library, So ill be in the kitchen for the next few hours, 'experimenting'.

Its like

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I'm like:

Uh-huh
Okay
Wassup
Shut-up

(one of those days where i cant think of shit)