They wear fur coats to the library

Because its buckhead. They talk with long southern drawls that sound straight out of Driving Ms. daisy . There is even a booster club to raise money for the library.
Its another world.

When i interviewed for positionsin the Atlanta Fulton Public Library system, it was my last choice. so confident and cocky i was certain i would get my top choice, that i didnt even feel the need to go to the last library. But i did...for 'practice'. (Dont you love being slapped back down?).

I wante something more 'urban', something where i could 'work with' people. I had a demographic in mind. Something more diverse. (and not to mention MARTA accessible). It takes an hour to get there on the train as opposed to the 20 minute commutes in the other libraries i interviewed at.
But the Lord works in mysterious ways. THey called 3 weeks after my interview. 'Which library I asked excitedly...

Oh...

Well. I needed a job asap. The money/hours were cool. And there was a bus that went there...

Those were pretty much the reasons i decided to take the job. I agreed over the phone and called the branch manager to confirm. "oh girl im so excited! you were my first choice! I was hpoing and holdong my breath that you take the posotion"

Well at least someone was excited. But i mean, how can you be disappointed when shes so happy youre coming?

I'm wondering what the lesson is here. Of the 30 branches of the Atlanta library system,, why this one? I think its partly karma for my cockiness and my issues with AmeriCorps. But most of all i think of it as a kind of resume rehab. THe last year has been filled with a string of short term stints and i need to show hat i can commit to a job. I mean what kind of trouble could i possibly get myself in in checking out books to socialites and their children? Especially when i have a manager ho believes in me. I need to do the best i can. At least for 6 monthes(after 6 monthes you are eligible to transfer)

Im starting to warm up to the quirkiness of the 60 something white librarians. In circulation class, i even had a little 'branch pride' moment surrounded by people from other branches.

I guess u cant judge a book by its cover

hard day

Everything was going well. Well actually it wasnt, Ive been fighting off debt and just when i got back on my two feet, my car decides to start acting up. Now ive had this car for a month and its been real good too me, in fact so good i named her lucky. She has her problems shes a maure woman but i like mature women.

Well im going from 285 to I-20 east to 75/85 North and shes sailing, keeping a good 70 mph. I get off Freedom at freedom parkway and the car starts thumping. I had about 4 more miles to go so i prayed the car wouldnt give out in the one lane surrounding the carter Library. I made it home, thank God.

I hope hope hope i dont need a new transmission.

Little bites

I'm not a meal person. I'm a nibbler. I like to take a portion of a meal, take it back and work on it then return back to the pot and take another scoop. If there is an entire meal put on my plate, i get overwhelmed. Its too much food at one time. Sometimes ill spread out one meal over a 4 hour time, keeps it eaiser for me to eat.
I have realized that this minute detail translates into other pieces in my life. Like college, work and lceaning my slovenly abode. In projects, i like to do little pieces of the project and return to the group. So with this bit of new found self knowledge, i wonder if i can conquer a few things that i have deemed to overwhelmong to deal with in 2008. We shall see.

what does this have to do with thoreau?

"I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he will. Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows. The really diligent student in one of the crowded hives of Cambridge College is as solitary as a dervish in the desert. The farmer can work alone in the field or the woods all day, hoeing or chopping, and not feel lonesome, because he is employed; but when he comes home at night he cannot sit down in a room alone, at the mercy of his thoughts, but must be where he can "see the folks," and recreate, and as he thinks remunerate himself for his day's solitude; and hence he wonders how the student can sit alone in the house all night and most of the day without ennui and "the blues"; but he does not realize that the student, though in the house, is still at work in his field, and chopping in his woods, as the farmer in his, and in turn seeks the same recreation and society that the latter does, though it may be a more condensed form of it. "

I read Walden my junior year in high school. My teacher, Ms. Carp, introduced the book as either you love it or hate it. I had grown eary of the obooks. Junior year english was full of literature. THeir eyes were watching God, The Scarlet Letter, The sun also rises, Huckleberry Finn. I dont like literature. As I dont like most fiction. Even movies, i generally prefer a good documentary over a heartwarming tale. In2nd grade in our trip to the library, I found it helpful to remember fiction vs. non fiction by pairing fiction with 'fake'. I wonder if that colored my later experieneces with it.

But THoreau and the rest of the trancedentalists caught me. It wasnt fake. It was something real. It was observational. Nothing intrigues me more than someones observations. But it turns out i was the only one who 'loved it'. Class after class, my peers lambasted the book, calling him cynical and a loser who had no friends. But what i saw in his work reflected my own experiences. Like literally sitting in a room full of people and not feeling in any way connected to another person. It was such a common feeling for me, i had grown accustomed to being the only one, loniliness was my steady companion. It was in this class that i realized that being alone was second nature to me.

I was talking to a friend. She asked me why i had built up so much resentment toward people with money. I told her that evryone around me had more money than me, it always seemed like they 'could' and i 'couldnt'. They got things, I wanted things. To try to even the playing field I worked at the local star market for a year bagging groceries. In my blue shirts and khaki pants i scanned groceries for 5.50/hr, but even that never reallly got me past first base. The resentment, i tell her, was the only way i could be jealous and still like the people around me. If i didnt hold the jealosy inside, i wouldnt be able to talk to anyone around me. It was a functional jealosy.

It hurt. I felt disconnected. Lost a lot of confidence. And it wasnt that i wanted there to be people poorer than me because i get nothing from feeling better than someone else. I just wanted to be able to relate to someone. The median household income in my town was 85,000. Our household income was not even a quarter of that. I wanted there to be another Black girl in Belmont, who lived with her single mother and shared a room with her sister. Or something even remotely similar. Never happened. Oddly enough, people i went to HS with complain about not having any rent money, or money for utilities, now as adults they can relate, but that was my entire childhood.

And sometimes that feeling of not being able to realte still haunts me. I still dont have a lot of friends that i feel close too.I fucked up the friendship i had with my best friend and now i feel even more alone than i ever have.

And what does this have to do with thoreau, well everything and nothing. he was just on my mind today. I needed to read that passage again and feel the way i did in that Junior year class...

Luck be a lady tonight

My new car, her name is lucky. Her rear defrost doesnt work. Its dangerous to drive when you cant see behind you. When things are obscured by shifting weather and cold mornings.

Got a napkin, reached backed and wiped it down.

Even im guilty sometimes of trying to please other people.
Truth hurts and im trying to deal with that the best way i know how.
My tooth is still broken and it hurts like hell- hopefully i can save up enough to pay for it. And everything else i need to pay for....aghhhhh

Deep breath


everything will be alright, she says, but do i really believe her?

um

There so much to say but im supposed to be working...

later

Its been awhile

I think God is tryna tell me something. And apparently i am not paying enough attention or being too hard headed that he has resorted to smacking me across my face. No more 'writing on the walls' and 'burning bushes' hes taking the direct approach.

Thats my only conclusion. Everyday just gets more ridiculous than the day before. Its past the point of painfully bad and entered into the realm of absurdity. And just when i thought it couldnt get any worse, i looked down to find a piece of my tooth in my lap. Just pathetic. I can just hear the 900 dollars oozing out my bank account...

Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow my foot will spontaneously fall off too...

I want to ride this bus (and im not sure why this is underlined)

The best part of Christmas

LEFTOVERS!!!!!

Homeward Bound

Again im getting on a flight- this time headed to Los Angeles California. And though i dislike Xmas and ive resorted to emailing Amazon gift cards to my family- it'll be nice to see my family.

My flight leaves at 9:10 and its 3:30pm. I plan to leave here at 6:30-allowing me at least 1.5 hours on the MARTA. Also for the long lines... I get to Los Angeles at 11:30 pm which is going to inconvienc my family but ill persevere...

Sigh. Its so quiet in this house. Silence is creepy to me- as is darkness. I keep forgetting to pick up a night light.

I've been so into this Discovery Channel 6- Part Documentary about climbing Mt. Everest. Its so fascinating. White People are crazy!!! There was a controversy over the summer that csome climbrs passed up a dying man on the mountain. Now i can understand how something like that can happen...

I'm so tired for no reason. Its been a long weeknd but i got to see some of my old friends that i hadnt seen in awhile-i also looked into a mirror. Now i can see what they all see. And after a 2 hour phone call with my sisterand a conversation with Shan I think i have a new understanding of everything- good preperation for 2007. I'm a stubburn ass Aquarian- but theres potential...

I have concluded that I dont make friends very easily. That I am very distant thus not very easy to connect with. That i live life in a protective buffer zone that keeps me from getting hurt but also prevents me from really feeling anything. I'm also extremely sensitive. Hmmm. I told my sister that like money, investing in a realtionship and getting no return leads to bankruptcy. But what happens when you are too disheartened to invest in anything? I heard once that Pessimists are usually right but Optimists are more sucessful. Hmm more food for thought. My best friend is the biggest optimist i know. And i admire her for it. But optimism seems to often lead to disappointment and failure is scary. But i guess i just have to learn to deal with that too.

So i have my hopes UP for 2007. That i can genuinely connect with the people who have reached out to me with friendship. Especially the people who havnt given up on me yet. That I can open up enough to feel a connection with others, even if it times i gt hurt or disappointed. THat i can speak from my heart and not be so peripheral with people.

A journey of a million miles begins with one step...

January 1, 2007

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

So yeah- this insomnia is getting a little out of control. After varying success with warm milk, sleeping pills, gin/vodka/rum, NYQUIL, Tylenol PM (not all at once) I decided to try a more natural alternative.

sleeping pills reminded me too much of the methylphenidates i was forced to take back in high school which resulted in me dropping some 10lbs and caused a creepy zombie effect, according to my friends. Methylphenidate makes you feel as though your brain is asleep but your body is awke. Sleeping pills is the opposite, my body is asleep but my mind is awake. Kinda like being in a coma.

Alcohol works very well but after watching intervention a few too many times- i get scared even looking at a package store. Besides, im trying to preserve my liver and i dont have enough money to be an alcoholic at the moment.

last night on a late night trip to publix, I was wandering the aisle looking for some sea salt and i ended up in the tea section. The stock guy asked me what i was looking for and i told him, i was looking for the tea 'with the bear wearing pajamas on it'. Its the kind my mom used to have in the house but i never made it. I'm not a big fan of teas(they taste too watery) but i figured, ill give it a shot. So he hands me this box of Sleepytime EXTRA that comes with Valerian....hmmm

Now to me, Valerian tea sounds like something that can only be ordered from a Starfleet replicator. (In fact, I googled/wikied Valerian Tea and wouldnt you know, Valerians are a humanoid species from the Alpha Quadrant, allies to the Cardassians- it is also TNG's Deanna Troi's favorite tea. )

Okay but back to the valerian tea, I made some (put soo much honey in it it probably tasted like koolaid) last night and i was asleep in about 45 minutes. In full disclosure, the night before i had only 2 hours of sleep. So its maybe a bit too early to tell. but hopefully this will prove to be a much more gentle alternative benydryl.

Get them sit-ups right.

I've been eating too much and not exercising at all. Sure ive gained a few pounds which im a little excited about but i feel sluggish. The other day i ran up the street to catch a bus and i felt like i was running in slow motion. Even with my bad knees that was unacceptable. By the time i reached the bus(less than half a block) i was panting and could barely get on to pay the driver. On the good side though- i havnt eaten red meat in nearly 3 monthes. Thats a big deal. I have been eating a lot of fish though. Especially fish tacos and Mexican chicken soup which is a weakness for me. And i still like sushi...

So next month ill hopefully be in my/ our new place. Were working out minor details like where are we moving. I really like Decatur Sq, East Atlanta, Inman Park, East Lake, Edgewood/Candler Park and (note these are all MARTA stops for a reason). Midtown would be cool if i found somewhere walking toward the marta station. But I'm a little prejudice toward places on the Eastbound line. I dont like buckhead though. Lenox/ Buckhead white people are wierd to me. They creep me out.

Other news-im piecing together a work situation for next semester. I'm trying to do little jobs that interest me vs. a 9-5+ school situation. I do long for a steady paycheck though. School seems so irrelevant but so important. Its so hard to keep focused when im ready to graduate but my credits arent. Sigh- if there is one thing i have consistently battled in my life it is school. I don't know what it is about school but i have struggled with it since kindergarten. But ill graduate. I have to to do what i want to do...

Well thats all i have for today-that felt good...

Airplane Survival Kit

Airplane Survival Kit
Originally uploaded by Alison G..

I'm back from Boston. I'll blog all about it later. In the meantime. Tomorrow i have to go make up hours i missed for Merry Corps

Next stop, Georgia State

Next stop, Georgia State
Originally uploaded by Alison G..

So this is home. Home in the 'I'm being present in my life kinda way'. Sometimes I sit and think, I can't believe I'm here. Moments are cosmic- in that way that they cant be recreated. Perhaps thats why i like pictures so much. Of all the places i could be- right now i am here. And thats home.

Alice Walker...and Guy-Sheftalls Hair

IMG_2702
Originally uploaded by Alison G..

yesterday after an especially stressful day at work i got back to find Moyas place surrounded by police cars...Oh shit- i thought-this can't be good. So instead of going back into the aprtment i decided to walk around first to investigate. ON the way i asked the groundskeeper, what happened and he replied that 'they was up there wrestlin and they somebody bout to get arrested. " I said which apartment- he said- the one 2nd floor (the floor MB stays on) I thought oh shit. So i go back to the apartment to check on her and it turns out it was the apartment across the hall. As i walked past there was a woman laying on the floor with a white blanket over her...

Go figure.

I dont know what happenned but im assuming shes alright because i saw a woman later joyfully speaking on the phone. But my grandfather told me that men who beat women are the lowest forms of humans. I feel bad, scared and saddened for her. Because thats some bullshit.

Today i took a mental day off to calm my nerves and decided to go hear Alice Walker speak over at Emory. Alice Walker is my favorite writer. Im not a big Color Purple fan- i dont connect with fiction very well. I do like her short stories and essays a lot. They were comforting to me when as a teenager attending a school that was about 3.8 percent Black and living in a town that was 1.3 % Black, that a Black woman was talking about Spirituality and sexuality in a way that did not have boundaries. I appreciated her freeness and individuality and though i didnt always agree- I loved how she wrote about everyday situations and her appreciation of moments. That being said- I 'm not into meeting people just because i like their books. Neither do i like getting books signed. But i decided why not-it might be nice to get a preview about whats in her next book. So i went and enjoyed it.

Next week im headed up the coast to Boston. I'm not looking forward to the weather nor the 'frozen chosen' Northeastern people of Massachusetts. I am not looking forward to walking past people and not being acknowledged nor the loud screeching of the T. But hey its home.

I am looking forward to hearing the hard accents, the fresh air, the people who i know and havnt seen in ages, my old church, my old town and everything Old. I want to see how a state with a Republican Morman Governor has gay marriage and health care for the entire state. I want to see how that same state thats 6% black just elected its first Black Governor- the second in the country. Such a little state trying to do big things...

Go Boston, go Boston

'Tis the season to be broke

So perhaps this may offend people. And i'm slightly apologetic but not really. Don't take it personally.

The other day I turn on the radio and theyre playing Xmas Carols. mind you, by the other day i mean back in October. The songs made me nauseaus. They were the quintessentioal Xmas songs complete with bells and high excited voices talking about a time when we were dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh. As far as I'm concerned, no one I know has ever dashed through some damn snow with a fuckin horse so stop singing like you've done it...

Christmas gives me a headache. It is my least favorite Holiday of the year. And yes there was a time when it was high on my list (presents and school breaks) but now it has dropped to the bottom- right underneath Columbus Day. I prefer Thanksgiving-even though I hate thanksgiving food- at least I know that just showing up is good enough. During Xmas- I wish I could disappear and wander off to a tropical island where i dont have to be bothered.

In addition to the headaches, excessive retailism, TV commercials, hyper Xmas displays in stores and wild children trying to jump on Santas lap, Xmas is just a sad holiday. It feels forced and desperate. I usually end up poor and destitute after trying to buy everyone a gift and wished i had more money to buy better gifts, then I end up feeling bad that i never had enough to buy them in the first place. Its supposed to be a happy time but I'm too busy scrambling to see everybody and get gifts that its more stressful than relaxing.

It wasnt always this way.

My mom all but stopped celebrating Xmas when we moved to Boston. We started off with big trees and as we got older, the Xmas trees got smaller. I remember when we bought Jr. a 2ft tall Charlie Brown tree that looked more like a branch that fell off a real tree. Every xmas we would drag it up with as much excitment as a traffic jam. We would look at each other and the tree and grudginly wrap some yarn around it. And though we despised it- it became a sort of family pet that sat in the corner far into the next year until someone decided to bring it back down into the basement. My moms gifts were always simple. She made us journals and wrote us lengthy cards that expressed how much she loved us, that she was proud of my sister and I. They were beautiful. I always kept them.
So in my little family (my sis, my mom and I) Christmases were realistic, simple and quick. I miss that.

A few years ago I stopped celebrating xmas and began to give out New Years gifts partly because New Years is my favorite holiday and partly because everything is cheaper after xmas. Its hard not to celebrate xmas in a country that forces you to celebrate it but I'm learning. When i say that I dont celebrate xmas i usually get blank stares and looks of confusion.

"Why" they ask, all concerned or assume that I'm pagan

"Because i dont want to"- I reply. I mean realy- who says I have to?

Bah Humbug

Dems don't vote in the rain, but whats on your sonny- do list?

*I lost my original blog so bear with me as I try to recreate the feeling*

I woke up Tuesday morning(hey some people don't you know) and I looked out the window- damn- its raining. Well shit-thats an excuse not to vote. Especially since the polling place is a mile and a half down a highway with no sidewalks (talk about accessibility). It was cold, dreary and i was not in the mood. I headed to the train station, picked up my daily and on the coverpage theres a huge article that says Democrats less likely to vote in the rain- Damn. I get to work and I see JB's Blog which again worked on my conscience. It didnt help that i just saw American Blackout on Monday. How dare my black ass dont show up to the polls after what your ancestors did for this right...

Okay okay. But who the hell was I gonna vote for? Georgia has a 2 party system, Republican and More Republican. Or maybe it seems that way because I just left a very liberal area of California. the 'Democrat' (and I use that term loosely) didnt seem to have much more to offer me. Well in fact i didnt vote for either- and half my ballot was left blank because I refuse to vote for people I ave never heard of. Evidently Georgia doesnt send out a voters guide that explains whos running and what they what they'll do in the extra time when theyre not having affairs with male prostitutes and teenage pages. I mean I would love to know what issues will finally be addressed in the last 4 monthes of their term. Since i consider my self an educated voter- I tried to go to the AJC Newspaper website and look at their voter guide. Their non partison voter guide asked the hard hitting questions like 'whats your favorite TV character' or 'What recent gadget can't you live without'. Shit that made me really want to go out and vote.

I got home and watched a little local coverage of the election. I saw long lines and stories about broken machines. I was excited. There was gonna be ACTION at the polls. I bought my camera along to capture it all. Well I get the polls around 5 'o clock. I mistook rush hour traffic for people rushing to the polls. I parked far away, anticipating no parking available at the church. Well as i walked to the church- and crossed a 3 street intersection there was hardly any parking. In fact, there were non- handicapped parking right in the front. I walk in- no line. There were 10 poll workers and 6 people voting. There were extra machines. I filled out a voter certificate and i was given a card and it took less than 4 minutes. It was too easy- There were no broken machines- nobody fighting, no one being denied a provisional. This shit was boring.

I left. I'm not political in the sense that I believe politicians make the changes. I don't think my vote really counts and i dont want to hear- 'what if everybody felt their vote didnt count'. I voted libertarian(you can do whatever you want were just not paying for it party) twice because i dont believe in the two party system. I'm not strategic, I vote for people whose views i share, are earnest and sincere even if they have no chance of winning. I usually vote democratic because of the social programs (or to try to get bush out of office) but I really dont think the democrats have done enough to get my vote. But maybe that'll change with them neing the majority.

But the good news is that I voted- and most important, I got a sticker

Pomegranate

Pomegranate
Originally uploaded by Alison G..

Fall is not my favorite season...Summer is. Anybody who has spent time in the Northeast knows that Fall is just another term for Winter. California has Autumn- Indian summers and all that niceness but I have been traumatized one too many times by Fall. Fall Field Hockey practices(in short skirts)- our cleats crunching through the icy grass, Trick or treating with a snowsuit on over your costume and raking every 3 days because the leaves rather commit suicide than subject themselves to a long winter...

But there are some highlights. I love pomegrantes(sp?) They used to remind me of red corn kernels and i loved popping them and feeling the juice squirt in my mouth. The other day at the store, I saw pre cut pomegrantes- i thought- well shit- that takes all the fun away. So i bought one home and peeled it myself, Savoring each kernel and trying not to stain the carpet... not as easy as it looks

WRRC 25 Years 002

WRRC 25 Years 002
Originally uploaded by Alison G..

The Womens Research and Resource Center had its 25th Anniversary last weekend- and I'm late with the blogging (to be late is unacceptable). I had a great time, even if i didnt make half the panels ( i have an extremely short attention span mixed with bad hearing). It didnt help that i was bitter and irritated at my camera that didnt come in time for me to get the good shots, but me and the canon powershot worked it out. Highlights included seeing some friends, seeing some friends, smelling the tailgate, seeing friends. The scholars, especially Leslie Feinberg whose book was hte only book i didnt resale to the bookstore when i took a queer theory course at UC Santa Cruz. Leslie had an amazing presence and actually particiapted in all the events. Bell Hooks- i really like her books...
It was exciting.

I have a few pics up. This one was taken by MoyB. It seems that people have found the flickr account but if not- you can click on the picture and it should take you to the rest of the WRRC 25th.

Until next time,
me