'Your silence will not protect you'

thats a quote by audre lorde...one that for some reason, sticks with me.

Today we had another sisterfire, and as usual- i didnt say a thing. Did the usual, sat back and observed. I do that a lot...and i wonder how much of that is an excuse to not say anything. I have spent so much time as an outsider, i somehow taught myself to not say anything...im too wierd, i dont fit in. I'm not used to being around people i can relate to.

And yet i still didnt say anything. Words have a way of running away from me when i need them the most. And sometimes im too tired to chase them. So i just sit and listen.

I listen a lot...listen to the point where sometimes i've heard so much i will get up and leave. A lot of times its repetitive, theres an old scripture in ecclisiastes about how there is nothing new under the sun. Everything remains the same. I read that a lot as a child sitting in Bethel A.M.E. church in Boston. It contributed a lot to my cynicism. As did most things i read in the bible.

The stuff i have to say, i know have been said b4. I sometimes feel like words are just recycled and rearranged into new forms, but i cant quite get them to work it out well enough where they make sense.

The last two days ive been blinded. My eyes grew tired so i had to resort back to my glasses. Without my glasses i cant see more than a foot in front of me so its been an interesting experience trying to navigate this campus, this city, this life without my eyes. All i can see are shapes and colors. Being at an all black womens school- its hard to distinguish people. I listen harder and pay more attention to the shapes of my friends. Its been a humbling experince.

But not as much as this girl. I look at her/into her and i see myself. She's gone and I never knew her but seeing her makes me cry inside. Pieces of her are still there but wheres the rest of her? Will she ever come back so that we can be friends?

Who knew that you could miss someone that you never knew...